Star Trek Into Darkness

Star Trek Into Darkness Scotty poster

Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)


Here’s a rare treat where we review a new movie that’s in theaters! Overall it was very good and a lot of fun. The following is going to make it seem like we didn’t like it because we picked it apart but we really did. But here we most go over what didn’t really work, and also somehow veer into wrestling and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.


BRIAN: I liked it a lot, the only real problem I had with it is Khan didn’t have like an overall evil scheme, like he wasn’t planning to destroy Starfleet Academy or something, and only aimed that ship at it because it was going down. He just wanted his ice people back. And I wasn’t clear on exactly why he went to the Klingon planet.

BRAD: I don’t remember the Wrath of Khan’s evil scheme but I think it was just flat-out revenge right.? This film tried to make him a very evil yet sympathetic character which I think in a repeat viewing might seem worse. Spock said something while parlaying with Khan that after Khan gets his people back he was going to kill everyone who he deemed inferior. So he was basically space Hitler without the greed and land hunger? Kinda weak. Although I liked the genetically modified superior human that Khan was.

I think he went to the Kronos because he assumed Starfleet wouldn’t chase him there and perhaps they would send the small crew with the torpedoes, which Starfleet did. If memory serves Khan knew Buckaroo Banzai’s scheme to start a war with the Klingons.

Buckaroo Bonzai

A small part of me was hoping that before Khan attacked the Enterprise the second time that the indigenous people from the beginning came to the rescue in a Starfleet class vessel they built since they witnessed the Enterprise take off and Pike and the academy seemed to think that would ruin their civilization. That would’ve been awesome.

BRIAN: He wanted revenge on Kirk and also wanted to steal the Genesis device to use as a weapon but they didn’t really say how. New Khan got revenge on RoboCop but RoboCop didn’t really do anything to him besides keep his crew frozen. Yeah I guess I just wasn’t feeling his whole motivation. And I was hoping there would be a little more mystery-solving into finding out who he is and what he was planning.

So then, why did Buckaroo want to start a war with the Klingons? Just to strike them before they struck Earth?

How would they build a vessel from nothing in a week?

Other nitpicks: The Carol Marcus character was pretty but pretty useless, the parallel remake of the Wrath of Khan scenes was ok but borderline cheesy, Bones was kind of on the outside looking in the whole time, and at the end, when Sulu said that if they don’t get power back the ship will burn up on re-entry, they re-entered just fine and didn’t get the power back until they were in the clouds on Earth. Also, future London and future San Francisco looked cool but were virtually indistinguishable, and the Enterprise crew essentially murdered all of the security guys that were on the Dreadnought ship.

Carol Marcus

BRAD: He wanted the Genesis device to regroup ’70s & ’80s prog-rock band with Phil Collins & Peter Gabriel!

How would you like it if Robocop froze your people? And yeah he seemed like he was just a paranoid, war-mongering megalomanic.

HAHA! You totally missed my joke about the indigenous people idea. That’s totally idiotic if that actually happened. BUT funny! See because Spock and Starfleet thought that them seeing the Enterprise was going to alter their destiny as indigenous people and after one look they drew the Enterprise almost perfectly in the dirt. Weeks later BAM! they built a replica spacecraft out of wood and rock and save the Enterprise. Best. Hollywood. Ending. Ever.

I really wished they didn’t make Spock the hero-fighter. Never in the canon of Star Trek has he ever showed force like that. Humanize him, sure I get that but make him beat up Khan? Nah.

Future Detroit still looks like today’s Detroit though.


BRIAN: If he wanted to revive Phil Collins then he truly is the ultimate evil.

Hmmm, if RoboCop did it?…

That would be awesome, they save the Enterprise and give Kirk a thumbs up on the viewscreen, then teleport Uhura and Carol Marcus over and give them space whiskey, then they go to warp and the ship crumbles apart, killing everyone.

Who else would have beaten up Khan, though? Kirk was dead. Chekov?

They should have exiled Khan to Detroit at the end.

I like Benedict Cumberbatch and thought he did a great job acting but he never seemed like the embodiment of genetically engineered perfection to me.

BRAD: Phil Collins and an army of genetically superior Sussudios with the power of invisible touch.

It was shown in the first film that Sulu is handy in fisticuffs and sword combat. I don’t hate the idea of Spock fighting but being great at it, defeating someone who survives an explosion and a major crash. And on multiple fast flying moving platforms. I don’t think Spock could defeat Madeline Kahn.

Madeline Kahn

I actually would’ve liked to see Scotty’s little alien friend beat up Khan.

You’re right Cumberbritches was an awesome nemesis but by the end I was suspending a lot of disbelief on his superiorness.

BRIAN: Then Phil Collins could suck Earth into his black hole of suckiness.

But Sulu was driving the ship! Well Spock was about to get his head crushed in when Uhura showed up and shot Khan 20 times. She should have just blasted his legs off.

Hulk Hogan would have been a better choice for Khan.

BRAD: Sulu could’ve gave the con to that robotic deep voiced pal dude!

Speaking of shooting Khan 20 times, first why so many times and secondly, didn’t Scotty take him down in 1 shot earlier in the film? Albeit for a short stun but still, Khan went down easily.

Hogan? No way. Ric Flair!

BRIAN: That guy was pretty awesome and could apparently hook into the Matrix.

I think when Scotty shot him he was playing space possum.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Actually, Macho Man would have been perfect, rest his soul. “OOOOOHHHH YEAAAAAHHHH! GIMME BACK MY ICE PEOPLE, BRUTHA!! DIG IT!!”

BRAD: Yeah I know he was playing possum but he did go down instantly. Are you saying he knew he was going to be ambushed by Kirk/Scott as soon as they met Dr. Banzai?

Wasn’t Zeus genetically engineered to be a superior human?


BRIAN: You know, that part didn’t make much sense now that I think about it. He had a phaser too, he could have just blasted everyone.

Zeus was genetically engineered to be the perfect tough guy but they messed up his eye in the process and he went insane.

BRAD: He could have but he ransomed Scotty and Kirk for his 72 frozen brethren in torpedoes.

Why didn’t Khan order Spock to unfreeze all 72 of his crew members while they were still on the Enterprise first and then beam them, instead of beaming them while still frozen in weapons and running the risk of them exploding while on the Dreadnought? And was he capable of unfreezing them himself?

BRIAN: Or he could have pimped out Carol Marcus to the highest bidder. Kirk too.

Carol Marcus

Maybe it takes several hours for them to unfreeze. Unless they have a giant space microwave with a defrost button.

And one other thing: I guess they can cure all disease and even death in the future now using Khan’s blood?

BRAD: They just inch the cryo-tubes close to the sun until they freeze at a good rate.

If Kirk has Khan’s super blood coursing through his veins, does this mean he’s as superior as Khan? Now that I think about it, the ending with Kirk getting “resurrected” kinda aped the ending for Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade with the Holy Grail. In that, Sean Connery’s Dr. Jones is now immortal.

Holy grail Jones

BRIAN: I guess there’s more to being a Khan than just having his blood. Kirk may be able to maintain an erection longer for a few weeks but then it will fade away. And Dr. Jones isn’t immortal, the knight said that the power of immortality only works in that temple and if they go past the seal on the floor it goes away. And Dr. Jones is dead in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. But how unbelievably bored must that knight have been?

BRAD: I’m an idiot. I totally forgot about what the knight said in Crusade. But that raises a totally new nitpick to me about Last Crusade and that’s why would anyone guard a 2000 year old cup when no one can ever find it, suppose to find it or suppose to drink from it. Why not just destroy it for good? I’m sure once the grail fell into the Earth the knight simply walked out of the temple to die, happy & relieved.

The only scene in Star Trek that is really bugging me (besides fisticuffs Spock) is when Spock gives Nimoy Spock a call for a Khan tip. It was a completely unnecessary scene and I think it was only put in there to 1. Have Nimoy play Spock AGAIN and 2. Harken back to Wrath of Khan. Both the 2009 Star Trek and this one both played way too much unnecessary homage to the old show/movies. Hopefully the next film will be better in that regard.

Old Spock

BRIAN: Yeah if you didn’t want anyone to find it why would you keep it in a temple and leave a series of clues to get past its traps? Just dig the deepest hole ever in the middle of nowhere and bury it without telling anyone.

It looked like old Spock didn’t want anything to do with that bullshit. He just wants to die in peace.

And the homage thing was pretty cheesy but could have been worse. It didn’t have anywhere near the impact of the original.

And is that Tribble now a superior Tribble?

Score: 8 gratuitous bra and panty shots (out of 10)

Carol Marcus

BRAD: That superior Tribble will be the main villain in the 3rd sequel.

So now the Federation has all 73 superior race criminals frozen up again by the finale and why exactly? They came a hair away from losing control of all of them and nearly lost everything to Khan. So why are they being held. Again it reminds me of the ending to Raiders where they have the Ark; stored away in a huge warehouse with no intention of using it, studying it or destroying it in case it gets in the wrong hands.

I actually really enjoyed this picture. It had tense moments and some good laughs. I think the cast works well together. I thought Bones was sadly downgraded to comic relief, Chekov was hardly useful at all and even Uhura only had one big scene, which was her translating to the Klingons. So I’m hoping the next one isn’t just a Kirk/Spock flick but overall I highly recommend seeing it this summer.

Score: 8 super Tribbles (out of 10)


25 thoughts on “Star Trek Into Darkness

  1. Khan and his tits thought the Genesis device was a weapon.

    You know that you two dogs are my DOGS, Dogs, and I would never come out and argue with you (even though you argue with me on everything I do and threaten to sue and shame me) but – this movie is fantastic!!! I had a couple of problems with it and, since you’ve spoiled it up, I can address them in public, but, overall this was nothing but fun for me.

    I thought Kirk using the “The Needs of the Many” line at the beginning felt… not necessary…. (and that’s one of my favorite line arcs of all time)

    I never minded the Alice Eve thing – and I liked the reference to Nurse Chapel….

    The “KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” shout should have been left out or done differently. I don’t think any of these actors can pull that off, not that The Shat is a good actor.

    I liked Spock beating the shit out of Khan… I liked it a lot.

    I loved this thing.


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  3. What’s a Robocop? It sounds very 80’s. I liked Into Darkness a lot. Spock only beat Khan with Uhura’s help and in this timeline Spock went after the middle school bully in Trek 2009 in a similar manner. Nimoy in this Trek film was totally needed because they have never just had random cameos in Trek movies. Unless you count writer David Gerrold in STTMP, Harve Bennett in STV and Christian Slater in STVI. Okay, maybe they do just have random cameos.


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