Molly and the Ghost (1991)

So a few weeks back, Eric at Let’s Sneak In to the Drive In! challenged me to watch this picture, which he described as “a terrible, terrible stool full of oily discharge and should never be watched by any human being as long as you live.” Those same words were also used by several psychologists to describe the video of my birth.

Molly and the Ghost starts out in an interesting way with a flash-forward, which is unusual because it’s stupid and pointless. This particular flash-forward is of a guy banging his wife’s sister, then another guy seemingly stabs the wife in her sleep with the two biggest blades he can find. Does she die? Does he orgasm? You’ll just have to watch to find out, unfortunately!

So the movie’s, umm, antagonist, I suppose, Susan, walks through a cemetery and gets in a ghost limo. There’s a lot of yip-yap between Susan and, I don’t know, God as a homely older woman, that means nothing. It’s like, still a flash-forward I guess, because the movie then goes back to when Susan visits her sister So that flash-forward was a flash-forward of the previous flash-forward, and now we’re back to before both of those flash-forwards happened. Understand? It doesn’t matter.

Anyway, let’s just jet through this dumb story. Susan crashes at the house of her sister, Molly, and her husband, Jeff. Susan is a whackjob, and resents Molly for having it all, and has been jealous of all of Molly’s possessions since they were kids, even though Molly is about 15 years older than Susan. So what, was Susan jealous of Molly’s high school diploma when she was 3 or something? Makes no sense. But anyway, now that she’s all of 17, she covets Jeff, who is just a superstud.

Susan starts by doing creepy stuff like staring at Molly and Jeff while they’re getting it on on the living room couch, even though they have a guest and a bedroom with a door. Right before this you get the movie’s only real nude scene when Susan shows off the worst pair of boobs I think I’ve ever seen put to film. They look like tubes of undercooked salami. It’s an amazing shape and completely revolting, which is a shame because Susan is kind of pretty. But it’s kind of like finding Quato under that dude’s coat in Total Recall.

Anyway, Susan ups her crimes from tom-peepery to petty larceny when she swipes some of Molly’s jewelry. But she needs to take more from Molly, so that night she decides to steal Jeff’s virginity. Susan seduces Jeff while he’s alone in bed and tells him she’s wanted him “since the day I first laid eyes on you”… which was the day before. Of course, Molly busts up the party, and Jeff coolly explains, “What did you want me to do, she’s your sister!”

Susan gets kicked out, naturally, and Molly is kind enough to buy her a plane ticket. But Susan wants to stick around, and after running into Jack Nicholson on the streets of Hollywood, she hires some ‘Nam vet she meets at a bar to kill Molly for no real reason. That’ll teach Molly to mind that her sister stole from her and tried to bang her husband!

The ‘Nam vet is a bumbling oaf who just wanted to get laid, and turns out to be the guy with two blades in the flash-forward. He gets cold feet and splits.

So now Susan has to hire a real pro who won fourth place in a Robert Z’Dar lookalike contest for just $5,000, which is a pretty good deal. She even gets Molly to float her the down payment, because this assassin works like a discount furniture store. Susan cuts up an 8×10 of her and Molly to give to the assassin so he knows what she looks like because no other single pictures of Molly exist. But she gives him the wrong half, which seems completely impossible to do, and he kills Susan instead.

Now Susan is a ghost who can make phone calls. It’s best just to forget everything you thought you knew about ghosts if you watch this. Naturally, she wants revenge on the assassin, who was just doing what he was told. So she lures the assassin to a wooded area via telephone, somehow (and on the way there he listens to a pretty kick-ass song called “Bang Bang”), and she like just screws with his head in the woods in a sequence that goes on FOREVER. And apparently, she can make limos appear out of thin air. Susan you’re dead because YOU screwed up. It’s not the assassin’s fault. Anyway, he runs his gut into a stick. He should be thankful he died before Susan tried to scare him with her boobs.

So then Susan just kind of messes with Jeff and Molly, throwing dishes around their house and slapping Molly in the face, which is a pretty good metaphor for this movie. Jeff sleepbangs Susan’s ghost, and Molly walks in on him grinding an empty bed. My teenage years, pretty well encompassed.

Oh, by the way, Molly is upset with Susan’s ghost for intruding in their house, but doesn’t seem to mind that very recently in that same house a stranger tried to stab her in her sleep and her sister was murdered. I would probably contact a realtor after that.

Soooo, then there’s a parapsychologist who comes for a séance and gets scared off by special effects that make Birdemic look like Avatar. Then Susan possesses Molly and bangs some douchebag friend of theirs, really for no reason other than to take Molly’s vagina for a test drive. Molly is now in Susan’s ghost body… somehow? So Molly is now a ghost, as Susan. You will never understand it.

Jeff needs to knock Susan/Molly out so Molly/Susan can get back into her body, because apparently she never sleeps. So Jeff gets some chloroform from a chemist buddy, who is a real creep and apparently will make chloroform for anyone who asks. Which I guess can be a pretty lucrative side gig for a chemist with no morals and a lot of friends who are ex-cons or Charlie Sheen.

Of course, Jeff is a huge pussy, so he can’t overpower his frail wife and knock her out. Fortunately, zombie assassin comes to the house for 100% unknown reasons and strangles Susan/Molly. Susan’s horrible head flies away, and Molly goes back to her body, thankful that she has her own breasts back instead of Susan’s sausage links. And then, the movie is just kind of over.

The last scene is Molly and Jeff visiting Susan’s grave, which I guess means she was buried by where they live even though she lived far enough away to warrant a plane flight. Whatever. Now, pay attention, because here comes the most senseless thing in cinematic history. As Jeff kneels down by Susan’s headstone, we see that it reads: Born 1972 – Died 1696. What??????????? What does that mean? It makes ZERO sense. It’s not even partially explained at all, and the movie ends right there, like you’re supposed to ponder this amazing twist. Don’t even bother thinking about it, because it truly has no justification for being. It makes the ending of The Village look incredible by comparison.

Overall: Was this movie bad? Oh sweet gopher scrotums YES. The direction is totally inept, and it looks like it was shot on a JVC camcorder that a homeless guy threw away after he realized he couldn’t eat it or have sex with it. HOWEVER, I actually had fun watching it. And I think that is chiefly due to watching it with Brad, so we could bounce hilarious commentary off each other. Maybe Eric’s problem is he watched it alone, which is a huge mistake (and I’m not sure why he watched it in the first place). Like The Room, this is a “party” movie. It has to be watched with other, like-minded goofballs who can massage the fun out of its salami breasts. So in that way, I kind of recommend it.

Score: 1 chloroform rag (out of 10) if you watch it alone, 6 bed humping dreams (out of 10) if you watch with a good friend/friends/beers