Saturday The 14th (1981)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: A very campy, goofy and oftentimes corny horror spoof involving vampires and other assorted monsters, a creepy haunted house and book as well as a lot of food-related gags. A happy family inherits this old house which supposedly has a curse on it. A vampire, played by Jeffrey Tambor (did he ever have a full head of hair?) and his wife want to buy the house as well to gain access to the Book of Evil which is hidden within the house. The family settle in while the father (Richard Benjamin) and wife (Paula Prentiss) look forward to owning their own home the kids are rightfully spooked. The youngest child, son, Billy finds the Book one night and opens it unleashing all the monsters that were safely trapped in the tome. Later that night while fighting off a monster that has antennae eyes Billy uses the book as a weapon and reveals that the book can also kill the monsters. After his mom cleans his room she hides the book away and Billy struggles to find it. Meanwhile all sort of silly strange haunted house twists occur like the only thing that is on the TV is The Twilight Zone and no one can explain how the dishes were cleaned the night before?!

Prentiss is lured by Tambor’s vampire charisma and is soon slowly turned into a vampire bride with her oblivious husband thinking she’s pregnant. A great running gag is her way of answering any question asked by Benjamin with a very nasty “NO!” followed by a sweet reply of “Thank you” or “I don’t want any.” Benjamin laughs this off as its her hormones out of whack due to her “pregnancy.” One day while cleaning the attic, she is attacked by bats which prompts her husband to call an exterminator, Van Helsing, played by Severn Darden who stays at the house due to the curse. Meanwhile, the family stick to their plans to host a housewarming party on the very evil Saturday the 14th.

When that date arrives, no-one who enters the house can leave. A very sudden and strong wind blows back the person who opens the front door. So when a very hapless delivery boy from the liquor store brings over goods for the party he is stuck there. When guests arrive they are picked off one-by-one by various monsters and Billy goes missing. It is then revealed that Van Helsing is also evil and is seeking the book for himself. Tambor and his wife have a very silly and goofy face-off of evil (mainly silly faces, light tricks and out-of-place sound effects, like trains and whistles). Billy, with the book now, gives it to Van Helsing who then is destroyed by the book and all the monsters and evil diminish. The house is “clean” and looks like a model home.

Hey Now!

Is It Actually Scary: This being a spoofy horror-comedy there isn’t any real scares. However, I’ve seen this long-lost gem since I was 4 and upon re-watching it now after all these years I can say that I’m a little shocked I wasn’t more scared when I was a kid. While most of the film is silly and campy the monsters are treated like actual monsters in most scenes. The make-up/costumes are done well enough for this type of film. There’s a scene involving a decapitated head that for whatever reason never creeped me out. I used to watch this all the time growing up and I have to honestly say I enjoyed it as an adult as well.

Scariest Moment: There’s one scene in particular that was done well enough for laughs and scares that I found enjoyable. While the teenaged daughter is taking a relaxing bath, the Jaws theme plays while a large green fin swims around her. Within a few moments the fin rises out of the water revealing a large gill-man-like monster with glowing yellow eyes! (the fin is on top of his head) He growls while subtitles appear on screen of him politely asking if she knows of any old book in the house. She screams and fights him off with a towel while she flees the room to get help from her brother. As the Gill-man lumbers down the stairs, Billy tells her to distract him while he tries to find the book. She basically runs around the house wearing only a towel. Hearing screams from outside, a neighborly police officer barges in the house and fires upon the monster, ultimately doing nothing but pissing him off. There’s a very unfunny fight now between the Gill-man and the cop with the cop losing with a crushes skull. So it went from campy with a gill-man with a fin on top of his head emerging from a very small bath tub with a teenage girl inside to a cop getting his skull crushed. The scene is worth seeing.

Have you seen my loufah?

How Much Gore: Virtually none. This is a horror-comedy which is mostly for kids and families so the gore is downplayed.

Dumbest Moment: The film is chock-full of some dumb and corny one-liners and sight gags. Richard Benjamin is not the funniest guy, nor is he the handsomest guy. In fact it’s better he went from actor to director. Depending on your corny comedy threshold this film will either be gold or a complete dud. My threshold is kinda high so I still enjoyed this film. However, there are no dumb moments to mention in terms of scoffing at the screen in a how-did-they-write-that kind of way. In fact, making Van Helsing the villain and the vampire character good I’d say this film at least was thinking outside the norm. The movie is also a spoof so sometimes it was aiming to be dumb like the silly fight at the finale. But if I had to pick a dumb thing it would be that the film is titled Saturday the 14th and it’s not spoofing a Jason Voorhees or a Michael Myers-type serial killer but it’s spoofing haunted house and monster movies. (interestingly though the house is located on an Elm Street…maybe this film was watched by Wes Craven perhaps?)

Any Nudity: Nope. However while the daughter is disrobing for the bathtub scene there’s a small glimmer of a side-boob.

Overall: Fun. Silly. Like I said, it all depends on your humor but the film does a decent job of flip-flopping tones between very silly to corny to somewhat scary. Some good sight gags and one-liners as well but some bad ones too. I also liked a scene where the daughter comes downstairs in the middle of the night to find a few monsters raiding the refrigerator, ignoring the girl and eating like, well, monsters. Could be a goofy fun time to watch if you’re curious enough.

Score: 6.5 Bald Vampires (out of 10)