Grabbers (2012)

Country of Origin: Ireland

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Irish boozehounds run afoul of Grabbers.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• So the Grabbers crash down from space and attack a boat. This must be based on the same true story as The Perfect Storm.
• Whiskey for breakfast? Even the Irish do Irish stereotypes.
• There are a lot of dead whales on the beach, but none of them are green or drunk, so they can’t be native to these Irish waters.
• So a lady cop (Nolan) has come to Erin Island to help cover a cop going on vacation and she’s teamed with the drunk cop who had whiskey for breakfast earlier, although that could be any Irishman.
• These Grabber eggs look like tits buried in the sand.
• There’s a character named Paddy. They’re not even trying.
• There’s another character named Brian. They’re not even trying.
• A Grabber grabs Paddy but he beats it off. I guess they grow and get stronger off of human semen. Or, seamen.
• The police are looking for a pattern in the attacks that have taken place within one square mile on this island of a dozen people.
• Opti-Grab??

• The Grabbers can’t survive without water, so they need rain to get around, but it never rains in the U.K., so they’re fucked.
• So as far as I can tell everyone has to get drunk to somehow counteract the Grabbers. Suuuuure ya do, boyos.
• I’m starting to think “Grabbers” just means drinking while Irish because that’s all this movie is about at this point.
• There are a lot of Grabber babies that look waaaaayyyyyy too much like killer condoms for my tastes.
• The whole drunken thing has really lost its limited entertainment value at this point and the movie is spinning its wheels because nothing else interesting is really happening. Shame, it seemed pretty promising earlier. This must be what Irish prom nights are like. Just watch this:

• So there’s a lot of filler at the bar because they couldn’t afford more than 20 minutes of special effects.
• Yadda O’Yadda McYadda… they pour booze down the Queen Grabber’s throat then set it on fire. Then of course the two police fall in love and we see more eggs uh oh.

Final Thoughts: A bit of a letdown, because it seems like it should have been more fun than it was. It wasn’t bad, but as you can see from the 27 words I wrote about it, it just wasn’t very engaging. Maybe I needed to be much more drunk while watching it. The description of drunken Irish islanders fighting off aliens in a bar sounds way more fun than it really is. It seems like it aimed to be an Emerald Tremors but couldn’t pull it off. I don’t know, it just didn’t grab me. Recommended for the Irish, those who hate the Irish, wetness enthusiasts, and liquor distributors.

How Irish Is It?: It couldn’t be more Irish if you found the original film print in a box of Lucky Charms. 100% Tariff

Score: 5 Pints of Guinnass (out of 10)