Schlocktoberfest XV – Day 09: Don’t Torture A Duckling

Don’t Torture A Duckling (1972)

Country of Origin/Production: Italy

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Some little Italian brats (one of whom gets to see Barbara Bouchet naked) all get murdered and the town blames the wrong person. A tale as old as time.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

A marvelous opening highlighting the marvels of modern Italian highways.
This is an early use of gore for the maestro Fulci, so go easy on him.
We’re not five minutes in and we got a woman digging up a dead baby with her bare hands. I believe I said it before but Fulci does not fuck around.
Rather odd place to bury a baby. On a rocky cliff side overlooking the thruway? Maybe the lil’ fucker always liked riding in the car, I dunno.
She’s a gypsy witch isn’t she?
Creepy little fucking gindaloon just killed a lizard with a Bart Simpson slingshot.
What is it with the murder of reptiles in these giallos?
A robed skeleton watches these little shits perform their penance.
I really dodged a fucking bullet by choosing Satan.
Little Bruno here doesn’t look like he’s gonna grow up to work for Vito Corleone.
Ritz Ortolani is in la casa, fare la musica.
How did those fat bitches fit into that Fiat? Olive oil?
Who are these three kids and why are they excited about those women’s “tits like watermelons and huge rears?”
These mamarellas are hookers? Ugh.
Hard to believe these same little three shits would torment the local ritardato.
Santa-fucking-Maria, does Barbara Bouchet realize that she’s seducing a twelve year old boy while she’s completely naked? Lucky little shithead. Youth truly is wasted on the young.
As hot as she is, that was pretty uncomfortable.
So long Bruno.
This shit wouldn’t be going on were this Sicily. Just sayin’.
That’s a lot of lire Larry. Made myself laugh with that one. Heh.
Who would have guessed the town idiota was involved in Bruno’s disappearance.
Said idiota should be grateful that this isn’t Texas.
Why is a priest leading a group of children to an active crime scene? We know why he’s with the kids, but since when are pedos true crime buffs?
The smiling gypsy witch silently looks on…
I would have wanted to park right under her face if I saw this at a drive-in, and mooned the screen at this shot.
Gesu Christo, look at these townsfolk. Maybe fifteen teeth between them all.
Tonino, the lizard killer, is now quite dead as well. Drowned in a bin of water. That’s two ducklings tortured within 45 minutes – this movie does not heed it’s own advice.
The cops sound disappointed Tonino wasn’t molested.
Awww shit, dirty hands is playing with Voodoo shit again.
There’s still one more duckling out there.
OK, I know who the killer is – but I ain’t tellin’.
Be sure to remind me to thank the polizia for Patrizia’s entire backstory. Who needs flashbacks when you have chatty-Kathy cops.
Patrizia might as well wear a blouse that says, “Falsa Pista” but it still doesn’t explain her motivations towards the young boys.
Michele’s utilization of wild red berries to portray the female breast in his artwork makes it not only pastiche, but highly avant-garde.
Someone’s gonna leave Michele’s body in the rain like a cake in MacArthur Park.
Some of the shots in the woods remind me of Feldog’s cameo in the beginning of Friday The 13th Part 5.
Have no fear, JC is on the cross and watchin’ over the hundred acre wood.
Got to see Michele get strangled right in camera. Movies had balls 53 years ago.
The dogs couldn’t smell a dead 12 year old 15 feet away from them. Must be plot advancement.
Barbara Bouchet is fucking hot.
This witch I think is a falsa pista as well.
Michele’s mother has a funeral freak out comparable to Leland Palmer’s in Twin Peaks during Laura’s funeral.
Wouldn’t a Catholic god burn a witch that would dare to walk into a church?
In the old days, giallos would sometimes tell you when it’s halftime.
Some Italian villages still had hermits in the early seventies.
This creepy as fuck Gepetto is gonna be a problem.
That whole scene was to set up Gepetto taking a shit.
I think the cops watching Patrizia want her to get naked again as much as I do.
There’s another dead baby skeleton on the landing again Vicar Sergeant!
I can’t tell if the cops are Mayor Vaughn-ing these child murders or not.
It seems our gypsy witch or negozio da dieci centesimi Raquel Welch, is surrounded by a squadron of Rin-Tin-Tins. Oh dear.
The witch gave birth to a child of the devil. Quelle surprise.
This is not only the longest, but the most dramatic confession to a triple child-murder I’ve seen since August.
Do crazies still foam at the mouth?
It’s a little late in the plot for Satan to show up I think.
The old women are all spitting when the gypsy witch walks by. You would think even a gypsy living in Italy would get the whole “rat on your friends” concept.
I was just thinking that this scene could use some oddly paced psychedelic rock, the witch getting beaten to death to something somber would have been too on the nose.
Fuck, I was kidding about switching to somber Italian crooning. Can this movie hear me?
Even though it won’t be written for three more years, this song sounds like the Italian, “All By Myself.” Not linking it BTW, can’t stand that song.
We really had to watch her crawl that whole way to her baby’s grave.
With 34 minutes to go we get the creepy little girl trope now?
Oh shit, Patrizia runs into the little girl. I hope she doesn’t ask if she has a younger brother.
Ahh, Barbara Bouchet.
Aaaaand she’s a fucking 2/3 Tommy. (Just deaf and dumb.) Too little too late plot, I’m sorry.
Barbara Bouchet would have made the perfect Princess from Battle Of The Planets had they made a live-action version of it in the late seventies. That is all.
Why did Fulci use thirty year old women to dub the young boys? It sounds like if Peppermint Patty voiced all of the kids in Charlie Brown.
“Mario! Mario! Come back here it’s getting late now.” “Who gives a damn.” is engraved in many Italian wine bars.
Let’s see which way the movie thinks. Will it be Mario and his lust for soccer with the priest, or the cautious friend to be murdered next?
Looks like it’s gonna be Mario.
Don Alberto’s starting to act even creepier. Just sayin’
Especially the way he pedals off on his bike like Ms. Gulch.
Mario’s not dead yet, but he has a slingshot and Patrizia just walked into frame. So I think Mario’s at least gonna get laid before he gets Pennywise-d.
Patricia asks Mario if he wants a kiss or money and then he’s dead face down in a stream. Ya hate to see it.
Going by the sheer number of dead kids in this flick, I think the title should be changed to: “Don’t Torture A Duckling, If Anyone’s Looking.”
This reporter and his mustache are at very murder. Might mean something, I dunno.
Whose cigarette lighter is that?
Not only do I intensely desire Barbara Bouchet, but her house as well.
We all knew it was your lighter Patrizia.
I hope this police interrogation goes the way of Basic Instinct, know what I’m saying?
Fucking-A Patty, ever heard of the phrase, “Talk to my attorney?”
They decapitated Donald Duck. Tell the fucking Mouse it’s a Sicilian message.
Signor Ortolani, quanti sassi lancera sul fottuto pianoforte?
Doll heads in the backyard of the Priest. Uh huh.
This movie has a Catholic priest say, “She’s not a moron, she’s retarded.” And for that I am grateful.
Hail Satan.
The priest and his mother don’t have the same cozy vibe Father Karras had with his mom in The Exorcist.
Don Alberto called, they shot Sonny on the causeway, he’s dead.
Wait…
I told you it was the priest, even though I didn’t.
You didn’t see it, but your brain did.
Some convenient inner monologue reveals that Father Fuckface is killing these kids so that they stay pure and never sin. But the main bullshit of Catholicism is that everyone is born with original sin, so what’s the point? Not of this movie, of religion.
The priest goes over the cliff and the gore effects on his horrible, plummeting effects dummy make for one of the greatest wrap-up endings ever. It is pure Monty Python-esque glee.
Don’t believe me?
Here:
Fulci knows how to get even with his killers boy fucking howdy.

Final Thoughts: A couple of those little ducklings deserved to be tortured. Anyway, this giallo was kinda out there. Whenever you add the evils of the Catholic church to the mix – you are always in for a good sleazy time.

How Italian 🇮🇹 is it: Antonio Vivaldi would be damn proud. 100% Tariff.

Was It Entertaining: