Murder by Phone (1982)

Country of Origin: Canada

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Phone users run afoul of murder.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• 1) Don’t pick up the phone, You know he’s only callin’ ’cause he’s drunk and alone.
• A woman answers a payphone on a subway platform. First of all, why the fuck would anyone do that. Why would it be for you? Plus, it’s unbelievably gross. Anyway, she learns that lesson the hard way when the phone tone makes her bleed and explode.
• Richard Chamberlain! The manliest of shoguns and Quartermains!
• Apparently ol’ Rich (who plays “Nat,” which is a very macho name) is some kind of college science professor. Seems like a better role for him than tough guy. He kind of reminds me of James Brolin with the longest possible covid.
• The payphone girl’s Canadian farmer dad asks Nat for help because Nat is an expert and the dad doesn’t think phones should just kill people.
• Then a guy in an office the size of the mighty Titanic answers the phone and it not only makes him bleed but also blows him and his office chair out the window where they not-so-gently land on a car. This movie kind of rules so far.
• Nat goes to see an even better expert: Stanley Markowitz, which is the most badass macho action name ever! He’s played by John Houseman, of Naked Gun driving instructor fame. We’ve got America’s favorite old fart! Reading a phone book!

• Nat goes to the subway and a homeless lady tells him about the phones, then he picks one up to inspect it, and the scariest part so far is we don’t see him thoroughly wash his hands afterwards. Did we have hand sanitizer in 1982?
• Why are they saying it’s a heart attack when her entire face was gushing blood?
• Then a housewife or maybe off-work nurse gets called and you know the rest. Her kid wearing skates in the house narrowly avoided that fate, even though he shouldn’t have.
• Here’s a thrill-a-second scene where Nat goes to the phone company to ask why the subway death phone was replaced already. Let’s get some more calls rolling here.
• Oh and there’s a phone company artist lady Nat wants to bone and ask about the phone. 
• This phone repairman looks like a young Stephen King with a missing tooth.
• It seems that so far every character with a speaking part is over 55. Maybe this movie was a production of an active adult community.
• Some pretty lady from the bank gets murdered by phone while wearing her finest phone answering lingerie, and it seemed like an ideal opportunity to shoehorn some nudity into this picture. But alas, maybe Canadians are classier in that sense.
• So no one but Nat has realized that a bunch of people have been electrocuted with massive head bleeding next to melted telephones might be connected?
• This movie would probably be more fun if it was about arcade games instead of phones. But then only 15-year-old boys and virgins of all ages would be getting killed.
• Nat confronts a phone company photographer in the street and every tourist in Toronto is watching them film this scene. Oddly enough, we once had a long weekend family trip booked to Toronto in April 2020 but we ended up canceling it, and I can’t remember why. Probably phone related.
• Nat and Stanley Markowitz have infiltrated the phone company headquarters and by god things are about to get a little too exciting.
• I really really really hope that the phone lines are hooked up to some giant alien.

• Nat has found the melted phones DEAR GOD. They LOCK DOWN THE BUILDING AND… oh he just leaves.
• Nat goes to the lady phone artist’s place, but the bad phone people are there going through her stuff!!… oh but then they just leave. At least he gets laid.
• Stanley Markowitz is dirty!!! Probably because he’s been touching public payphones.
• Then he gets the murder call, but he knows about these, so why didn’t he hang up immediately? Use your wits, Markowitz!
• The lady phone artist’s phone couldn’t be shaped more like a dick if she ordered it from a dick phone catalog.

• I wonder if this movie was intended to make Canadians afraid of answering the phone, like how Jaws made people not want to become cops in New England?
• If the bad phone people want the lady phone artist dead why don’t they just strangle her or something? They could even do it with a phone cord, if they’re really married to their theme.
• Oh boy the killer is the phone company tour guide! What a thrilling reveal! I sort of remember him! It would’ve been infinitely more interesting if it was lady phone artist. But no one asked me. No one ever does.
• He calls lady phone artist and she knows he’s going to murder her by phone so she throws her dick phone across the room and the dick explodes but she’s ok!
• “Tracing’s a myth!” What? No?
• The tour guide is angry because he invented fiber optics and they didn’t give him credit? The tour guide invented it??
• He explains that he killed those people because they were rude, I suppose. But what did that housewife do? And is the phone company for or against him?
• So basically they reverse the polarity and murder the phone tour guide by phone. Good call.
• Then there’s one last phone call for Nat that freeze frames and makes the murder noise. But all that murder equipment was destroyed. That doesn’t ring true.

Final Thoughts: More like Murder by FUN!! This wasn’t great, but was actually a lot better than I was expecting. Sure, anything in between the murders by phones was a bit of a slog, but fortunately there were many murders by phones to keep us entertained. Richard Chamberlain was actually a fun protagonist, and it was all cheesy in the good way of cheesy, like a fine Canadian cheddar. And that’s a ringing endorsement! Recommended for phone phreaks, Shogunites, telephone art museum docents, mobile luddites, and freeze frame finale fanatics.

How Canadian Is It?: It’s technically set in Toronto, but they only mention that once, and it seems like it could be anywhere. And Richard Chamberlain and John Houseman aren’t going to be confused for Bob & Doug McKenzie. 10% Tariff

Score: 5.5 Ringy Dingys (out of 10)