Exists (2014)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: People in the woods run afoul of the Bigfoot.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Since 1967, there have been over 3,000 Bigfoot encounters in the U.S. alone. These are their stories…
• Isn’t Bigfoot strictly a U.S. thing, anyway?
• DID YOU SEE THAT??!! An African-American gentleman! I think that’s a first for me this Bigfoot season! It’s about time on the second-to-last movie I’m watching. Seriously, what’s with the near total lack of ethnic diversity in these Bigfoot pictures? Sounds like a congressional investigation is warranted.
• So far this seems like a silent, slo-mo remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
• Ohhh, this is directed by Eduardo Sanchez, who was one of the Blair Witch guys. Having just watched the found footage ripoff Willow Creek, this is more found footage garbage by one of the people who pioneered the genre. Of course, he never actually did anything else of note, but still.
• At least this is starting with the group actually in the Bigfoot forest, instead of fucking around with the locals for an hour like some Bigfoot found footage movies.
• I guess they hit a Bigfoot with their car? Wouldn’t that majorly fuck the car up?
• Ok we’ve got Matt, Brian (!), Todd, Dora, and Miss Elizabeth. I think they’re going to Matt’s uncle’s cabin, so this must be a remake of Demonwarp.
• They have to walk through the woods to get to the cabin. Why did they arrive at night then? Todd says, “Black people don’t do this shit, man!” He’s right, according to every other Bigfoot movie I’ve seen. 
• I like that the cabin actually looks like a shithole. Nice realistic touch.
• Look, I understand drinking, drugs, partying, sex, all that, but can’t people who go to abandoned cabins in the woods do that pretty much anywhere? There’s not some nicer place they can rent within the limits of civilization, or go to like a cheap beach resort somewhere? It’s not like they’re running a meth lab that also has Russian roulette cockfighting there. What’s so great about this?
• The music that is playing during the XTREME jumping into the pond montage sounds suspiciously like when you catch the big shark in the Harpoon Lagoon arcade game.

• What is with these Bigfoot found footage movies and male nudity?
• Once again, someone sees something run through the woods, and once again they don’t automatically assume it’s a deer or something.
• Once again, a Bigfoot footprint is found, and once again it’s only one foot. It’s like the Bigfoot jumps down from a tree, lands on one foot, then jumps back up into the trees again.
• Brian’s personality trait is he smokes a lot of weed. Another trope that’s not entirely played out in horror movies. Fuck Brian.
• Fortunately the other two guys play a mean Bigfoot prank on him, which he totally deserved.
• Why does this Bigfoot sound like a T-Rex?
• This one is in Texas? We should make a map of all the wildly different areas in which these movies take place.
• It’s great that we’re already getting some solid Bigfoot action and not sitting with our thumbs up our asses like some Bigfoot movies.
• This long scene is mostly green night vision, which for some reason is like Ambien to me. Whenever I try to watch like a ghost hunting show, I almost immediately fall asleep when the start the night vision segments. I’ll just tape my eyelids open and soldier on.
• They next morning, the Bigfoot has trashed their car, and we’re already in “Why the Fuck Would They be Filming This” territory.
• And then there’s a scene of them all sitting around in the living room being shot at two different angles. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEE
• Matt rides off on his bike to find help and/or cell service. Naturally, there’s a GoPro on his helmet, which Brian helpfully turns on for him, for some reason. Oh and there’s also a camera on the handlebars of his fucking bike. At this point, just don’t make your movie found footage. 
• Todd finds a shotgun and Miss Elizabeth asks him if he knows how to use it. Well I’m no Marine sharpshooter, but I believe you point it at something and pull the trigger thingy.
• Matt just hauled ass on his bike way down the road but the Bigfoot is already there and then runs alongside him. This is scientifically accurate as real-life Bigfoot tests have tracked this giant humanoid gorilla at 40 mph. Especially though heavy foliage.

• The rest of the gang is now lamenting coming out there, but I’m still not sure why the went out there in the first place. Just so Brian could smoke weed in peace?
• Ohhhh, I get it, the Bigfoot is clearly after the weed and the women. Again.
• Miss Elizabeth just said that the Bigfoot is waiting for night time, but why would it do that? It just attacked Matt during daylight hours. What advantage would the cover of darkness provide for the large lumbering woodland ape?
• I kind of hope Bigfoot is just Brian’s uncle drunk off his tits.
• This is definitely one of the most pissed-off Bigfoots we’ve seen thus far.
• Now that this home invasion scene has kicked into gear, this is actually quite good.
• They shot the poor Bigfoot and he fled. He just wanted to tell them the good news about his lord and savior, Jesus Christfoot.
• Todd called Miss Elizabeth “Beth,” then Dora called her “Liz.” Make up your fucking minds.
• Brian, Todd, and Dora are now trying to make their way to the highway through the woods. I’m going to take a wild guess that they get lost. If only Dora had a map.

• They come across Matt’s bloody helmet but not his body. Maybe the Bigfoot took him back to his house as a sex slave, as they tend to do.
• Another Bigfoot rock throwing scene! They’re playing all the hits! The rock hits!
• Oh they hear Matt yelling. I guess he is alive, and yelling because the Bigfoot is cornholing him.
• I must’ve missed that Matt and Brian were brothers, but it’s not all that important.
• So Brian goes into Bigfoot’s underground lair to get Matt, then Bigfoot pops up and Brian shoots him (again), and there’s a shot of Matt with his smashed legs being dragged out by Brian. I would have bet an entire year’s salary of $3,800 that Matt got dragged back into the darkness in the most f’d-out found footage trope of all time. But astonishingly, they didn’t do that, which will increase my score by 9.5 points.
• Wait where the fuck did this big camper come from all of a sudden?
• Ha, Todd accidentally sat on Matt’s mangled legs. That was delightful.
• Todd runs out to shoot off fireworks so Brian and Matt’s uncle who somehow showed up knows where they are, but why in all the levels of heavenly hell does Todd have a GoPro on him?
• This is only going to attract the Bigfoot, you know.
• So, after it kills Todd, Bigfoot just pushes the camper off a cliff, which is good clean fun, but Brian is still holding his camera the entire time, even after Bigfoot jumps down and comes after him. 
• Brian, you can play dead all you want, but you’re definitely getting cornholed.
• Bigfoot collects everyone’s body, Brian comes to, and pulls ANOTHER fucking camera out of his bag to record. This just decreased my score by 9.5 points.
• Ahhhh the Bigfoot they hit with their car in the beginning was Baby Bigfoot. I guess I’d be pissed off, too.

• Brian’s uncle comes to the rescue, then immediately gets sideways cornholed by the Bigfoot.
• We get a good money shot of the Bigfoot here, and the costume and makeup look great for a change. It’s like they used more than a shag rug and fried chicken skin on it.
• Brian apologizes, puts down his uncle’s shotgun, and resigns himself to getting fatally cornholed. But the Bigfoot seemingly accepts his apology and walks away. Is the message of this movie forgiveness and pacifism? If so, I don’t care for it one bit.
• Ok, wait, so, in order to present this found footage to us in feature movie form, I guess Brian went back and retrieved every camera? That makes no sense at all. AT ALL!

Final Thoughts: This one isn’t just a top-tier Bigfoot movie, it’s genuinely a good horror movie and worth watching. Found footage is a genre as dead as Bigfoot’s baby, and honestly shouldn’t have even been used here, so that holds it back a bit. But if you can ignore that for the most part, you should enjoy it. Recommended for avid video camera collectors, baby animal hunters, and cornhole champions.

Score: 7.5 GoPros on Your Person at All Times (out of 10)