Schlocktoberfest XIV – Day 24: Curse of Bigfoot

We go from finally watching Star Wars on TV last month, to this shitty movie. What a difference a month makes. It can’t be worse than “Preppies” right? We walked outta that after a twenty minutes. All right, let’s sample a bottle…

Curse Of Bigfoot (1975)

The Whole Shit Show:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A movie that wasn’t about Bigfoot in the 60’s, but it is now here in the mid-70’s.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

Fucking great. According to WikiP, this shit show is an old TV movie with a movie from 1963 added in its entirety. I think it was a wise decision to open with this fact.
There’s so much stock footage in this opening you would think Ed Wood made it.
This is really going to be bad. Stand by for boiled shit.
Red windbreakers, high waters with loafers and white socks – this is definitely not 1975.
“El demonio que hace troferos fuera de hombres” means, the devil who makes terrible Bigfoot movies for man.
That’s a Bigfoot? He looks like Trent Reznor wrapped in duct tape.
Enough of the dog and this fucking house.
This better be a monster prank by one of the characters in this.
Did this stupid bitch just feed a bowl of milk to a dog tied outside?
This is a Scooby-Doo villain right?
Is this a man or a woman? So many questions.
The dog actually looks like he’s not enjoying being petted by this androgynous shit actor.
Guess it wasn’t a prank.
If a teacher ever attempted to wear a pink suit in my day, we would have hung him from the fucking tether-ball pole at recess.
An Exorcist and a Jaws shout out, please talk about more good movies.
Back to the 1963 movie within this shitburger, this is gonna get annoying.
Oh boy, mountaineering. Who shives a git?
I’m beginning to miss Boggy Creek.

Keri is so very…cunt-y. Yeah Battlestar Galactica’s on again, I dunno. I liked it better when I was in first grade I guess.
I hope the guy doing the narration found hard white lumps on his vocal cords. Oofah, that was dark.
Looks like we’re gonna learn a lot about logging whether we want to or not.
No joke, I just went to the bathroom and got a fresh beer without pausing the movie – and I didn’t miss anything.
Guess we’re gonna see the entire trip in this truck.
I’m gonna need more multimedia for this shit taco ‘cause I got nothing. Ummm. This was in my head this afternoon for some reason:
I hope the rednecks from The Alien Factor show up. I miss ‘em.
Retarded seventies Affleck with a chocolate milk mustache and helmet hair is just gonna stare at the woods isn’t he.
He’s partnered with an Elmer Fudd lookalike wearing a toque that would make all of Winnipeg jealous.
I guess calling them Larry and John would be easier, yes.
John almost ate it going down that hill. Heh heh.
What the fuck just happened? We’re back in the classroom.
Pink suit guy is a genuine cunt.
Ugly girls in the seventies all seem to look like Geddy Lee.
This douche bag who describes what a griffon is, I hope was an eventual victim of BTK.
Now we have Bernie Goetz yelling at Benjamin Orr.
I think pink suit was thinking of something else entirely when mentioning the “giant man-beast of America.”
This guest lecturer really goes for those long-ass Pinter pauses.
Is he the same Zodiac suspect looking motherfucker from In Search Of…?
Is this movie B or C here?
The VO should at least be the creepy lecturer for continuity’s sake.
This guy in class is telling a story about a guy in class.
If these “teens” are that immediately mesmerized by knick-knacks on the mantel – then they all must violently die.
I hope the Chris Issac’s grandpa of a tour guide dies first.
Did he really have to vogue for that group photo?

That is still the highlight of Mark Ratner’s career I bet. He can regale us for years with stories about how they had to get the entire shot in one take. Betcha he’ll play a teenager ’til he’s 70.
These are ancient Indian artifacts, kids. Don’t put gloves on or be careful with them you early sixties teen jizz-mops.
Fuck this movie, it’s making me angry.
Little sumthin’ for the ladies there. That shirtless actor has the physique of every kid in a Saturday Evening Post cover.
The sandwich scene was obviously filmed to give these shit actors’ names out.
I hope one of these artifacts is just Bigfoot scat.
There’s no Bigfoot in this movie.
This is easily one of the top 5 worst movies I’ve done here.
Now the twats are all climbing up the rock face like Roy Neary in the end of Close Encounters.
Never has the discovery of an artifact been filmed and acted so incredibly boring.
Sallah and the boys lifted the door to The Well Of The Souls on the first try you pussies.
It was a fucking piece of cardboard over a hole with with dry ice in it. Is this over yet?
Really waspy white people from the sixties enrage me.
None of these dicks went into the cave with a flashlight or a lantern.
More pottery. What the fuck happened to Bigfoot?
I hope this mummy thing or whatever it is at least comes to life and kills all these shit stains.
Good thing they’re in Hazzard County and could borrow Cooter’s red pick-up truck to transport the mummy.

I could have went my entire life without seeing Frank Purdue in the fucking shower. How long do you think it’ll be before Yogi’s fired?
Why am I saying mummy instead of Bigfoot? Because this movie is liquid shit that’s why.
The shroud the mummy is in I hope gives all these rascals smallpox.
The mummy moved! Fuck you and die in a vat of acid.
If this was an 80’s slasher, this stupid dialogue scene would have been a semi-nude sleepover.
“Bring me back an orange pop.” Wow, the fucking balls on this guy.
Orange pop asshole then awakens the mummy and doesn’t have the decency to get killed. He even cries while trying to say what he’s done.
Is this the same nine inch nails tape monster from the beginning?
Yeah, there sure are a lot of stars out tonight. At 2:15 in the afternoon when this was obviously filmed.
Who the fuck are Johnny and Sharon?
The mummy/monster/Bigfoot stalks silently under the cover of early afternoon.
Different monster mask it seems.
It was the vapor that kept the mummy still. Of course.
The mummy can be shielded by the multitudes of citrus groves in the region. I’m just saying random shit at this point folks. This movie is abysmal.
Was every white guy lanky in the sixties? Muscle tone wasn’t invented until 1970 apparently.
This sure is very bright “moonlight.”
This looks like a Chip Douglas from “My Three Sons” convention. Or Ernie if that’s your pleasure.
Jeez, Sheriff’s got back and I cannot lie. You other readers can’t deny.
Who died and made Rivers Cuomo here boss?
Shortest straw goes into the citrus grove as bait.
I have full confidence in this string bean Mayberry douche nozzle simply by the way he holds a gun.
Oh fuck this. The group of teen explorers douse the “mummy” in gas, light it on fire and give it the James Arness once-over. They pick up their wounded incompetent sheriff and that’s that. Good night, show’s over.