Willow Creek (2013)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: People in the woods run afoul of the Bigfoot.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• I’ve always wanted to see a proper sequel to the beloved Warwick Davis fantasy movie, and now’s my chance!
• This is directed by Bobcat Goldthwait, so I expect to see the cast of Windy City Heat in this. Perry wouldn’t have to do much to pass as a raging woodland ape.
• Just in case you weren’t aware this was found footage, we have to be subjected to several minutes of this d-bag Jim screwing with his camera equipment.
• It’s nice that this is based on true events, the Patterson-Gimlin film, in which a lady Bigfoot with hairy boobies walks away from two drunk hunters sexually harassing her.
• If Jim’s opening to his video is any indication then whatever video he’s trying to make would be a boring piece of shit.
• Jim’s girlfriend Kelly does not believe in the Bigfoot, but I am willing to bet she believes by the end of the picture. Oh yes, Dr. Jones, you will become a true believer…
• So Kelly’s only along because she likes being with Jim, which is less plausible than believing in Bigfoot.
• I just realized how many of these Bigfoot pictures I’ve watched involve a couple or some kind of romantic aspect, which is a little weird. Why is it really necessary? I guess the revenge/rescue/damsel in distress angle. But yeah they basically all have something like this. Just something interesting I thought of while I’m waiting for this tedious vacation footage to go somewhere.
• Ok, we fucking get it, this town has a lot of Bigfoot stuff in it. You don’t have to act surprised every time you see a statue or sign. It’s like being awed by every chocolate reference you see in Hershey, PA.
• I’m rapidly running out of things to say about this. So far it’s just like watching a mediocre episode of one of a hundred myths and legends shows on Discovery.
• Ok this is officially more boring and uninteresting than the skiing footage in Snowbeast.

• Up to this point all of the locals’ stories were dull as dog spit but now we have a major Unsung Hero of Hollywood in Peter Jason here and it takes you right out of any feeling of “authenticity” this may have had.
• If you’re watching this late at night, on a comfortable couch, with the lights down, with maybe a drink or two in your system, then I hope you’re having a very restful nap. Maybe you’ll even wake up right after this ends, and realize you don’t need to bother anymore. Wouldn’t that be nice!
• Wow that was the most boring, one-sentence harbinger of doom scene ever.
• There are 45 minutes left and we’re just now driving to the forest.
• So some dude appears on a public road in the woods and runs our two monotonous protagonists off. Did we need two harbingers in a row? And then they just easily find a different road anyway, so great work.
• This is way too tiring when you know the payoff is only going to be these two hearing sounds for a while and then getting attacked at the end.
• They find Bigfoot shit on the trail, which sums it up nicely.
• We’re legitimately halfway through and they’re finally setting up camp. We must be mere moments away from them hearing something outside their tent at night.
• Oh wow it’s THE Willow Creek creek!!! Kelly says, “This is insane!” even though it’s just your average creek. These two are very easily amazed.
• Well at least we get to see Jim completely nude. That lowers my rating for this movie by at least 2 points.
• Oh no their camp is in disarray.
• Ok, here’s the nighttime hearing noises thing. Turns out to be a raccoon, who is clearly after Jim’s weed and his woman.
• Jim proposes to Kelly, and she turns him down, which is the first fun thing that has happened so far.
• “Did you hear that??….” Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

• My god even this part is torture. It’s like watching two coworkers eat lunch in the break room.
• Wouldn’t it be more weird if you didn’t hear animal sounds in the forest at night?
• I’m so sorry that there are no notes here, but these motherfuckers are just sitting in a tent for a half hour.
• [Faint whimpering], the source of all terror.
• Can I go home now? Oh, I am home? Shit.
• The only interesting thing happening is my neighbors are doing some work on their house and some of the hammering and sawing sounds I’m hearing I think are in the movie, but they are not. Watching them saw plywood would be more eventful.
• Is it neat that this is all one take? Kind of? Does that make it worth watching? NOPE.
• This scene isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s in tents.

• Oh boy one loud noise after all the quiet noises. What a unique payoff.
• Yay they survived the night of noises.
• Now they’re lost in the woods and have come back to the same camping area. I have never seen anything along these lines before. At least in the Blair Witch Project there was a supernatural reason for that. Here they’re just numbnuts.
• We’re deeply into “Why the Fuck Would They be Filming This” territory, present in almost all found footage films.
• Seriously, if Bigfoot is stalking them in the woods, why would they be pointing the camera and its light at their faces? I hate that stuff.
• Cool, they come across a woman who was on a missing persons flier earlier, and she’s topless, and I guess the one who was making the whimpering noises? I guess the Bigfoot just wants sex slaves.
• Then Jim gets dragged off, and we hear multiple whimpering noises (I guess multiple sex slaves) and that’s it. Worst swingers’ party I’ve ever seen. Or at least bottom 5.

Final Thoughts: This is a STRONG contender for the dullest movie I’ve ever seen, and if you’ve been following our progress over the years, you know that’s bold statement. At least in the very lowest of garbage we watch, there’s at least something to take note of, like some bad gore effects, or nudity, or funny mistakes, etc. This is just 79 minutes of complete boredom, which is the absolute worst thing a horror movie can be. Not sure what the hell Bobcat was thinking here, but at least it didn’t cost him much money. Recommended for tent enthusiasts and insomniacs.

Score: 1.5 Hours of Tent Time (out of 10)