Primal Rage (2018)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: People in the woods run afoul of the Bigfoot.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Justin Rain? Well get an umbrella!
• Loooooooooooooooooooot of driving…
• Ashley picks up her estranged husband, Max, after a year in jail. She’s acting like it’s a big deal or something. If I had a nickel for every time my wife had to pick me up after a year in jail, I’d have $1.15.
• They stop on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere to bang, even though they could have just gone home. But it doesn’t matter, because he finishes before you can say the “the” in “the Bigfoot.”
• Some Bigfoot hunters over 40 make lewd gestures at Ashley while she’s getting gas. This movie was made in 2018, so an AI couldn’t have written it. Anyway, that group of hunters was only introduced so most if not all of them can be killed by the Bigfoot later.
• This is the same driving footage as before.
• They hit a semi-nude man with their car and you know what, the gore makeup is pretty good.
• Ok this is now the second movie I’ve watched where the Bigfoot throws rocks at people. Just a few more movies and it will become as big a staple in Bigfoot movies as the lack of ethnic diversity is. 
• Anyway, much like Craig Wasson, Max gets blasted in the head, and also like Craig Wasson, he totally deserved it.
• So Max falls into the river and Ashley goes after him. I didn’t mind her before but now she’s whining way too much.
• So far Bigfoot is by far the best actor in this.
• Their kid’s name is Jameson? Were their other name choices Jim Beam and Jack Daniels? I shouldn’t talk, my daughter’s name is Old Forester.
• Did the Bigfoot steal Ashley’s clothes? I guess she’s going to be bra-less the rest of the picture. And Max is going to be topless. GROSS.
• This Bigfoot has forest camo. Basically bark on his arms and legs and a bark mask. Which is pretty neat, but why is he hiding, why not just attack them?

• There are a couple of Native American cops who call Bigfoot “Oh-Mah,” which just isn’t as cool.
• Of course they come across the hunter dicks from before. Why are these guys such complete asswankers? Is it like the Olde Jerkoff Hunters Club? They keep repeating that Max is a convict, why is that such an issue for them?
• Ohhhhhhhh, they’re Trump voter avatars. Well, at least it makes more sense, even though it is hamfisted. But this seems to be set in Northern California? That would make Bigfoot the avatar for the common sense voter.  But ironic that these MAGA guys have a problem with convicts…
• Oh my fucking godfoot, this dude says “convict” and “ex-convict” more than the Big Legend guy said “Chief,” which was once every 19 seconds. WHY ARE WE STILL GOING ON ABOUT THIS.

• At least some of the hunters are going off to pee, so they’re definitely going to get mutilated by the Mr. Bigfoot.
• Two of them get an arrow through the throat. This Bigfoot uses weapons? NICE! Finally, something different!
• Bigfoot chops another dude’s head off with a hatchet. These parts are kind of great.
• The Bigfoot finally attacks the whole group and the kills and gore are as good as the acting is bad.
• I was just going to say that the Bigfoot pulling this guy’s mouth apart wouldn’t kill him, and it doesn’t! I appreciate that attention to detail. Although I guess he’ll just bleed to death at some point. He’s never going to eat a club sandwich again, I can tell you that much.
• Well, the Bigfoot comes back and stomps his head flat, so I guess the club sandwich thing is moot.
• Weird to have a movie with an ape monster taking a shine to an attractive blonde woman.
• Also, there’s a forest witch who carts Max to her cabin. I actually find her slightly more attractive than Ashley.
• Bigfoot removes the head MAGA guy’s guts while he’s still Alive. I do not think he’s licensed to perform such a surgery, but you know how American health insurance is.
• With all due respect, is this drawn out Native American vision quest sequence really necessary? Is that going to positively affect their Bigfoot hunt?
• Are we about to get a Bigfoot sex scene with Ashley? That would be a first. Well, within the confines of our non-porno Bigfoot movies this month.
• Yeah, I’m pretty sure he raped her. That’s… something… alright…
• So there’s noooooo…. compatibility issue there??? I don’t know, maybe he was just inspecting her back skin or something. Let’s just move on.

• Instead of rubbing mud on themselves so the Predator can’t see them, Max and the sheriff rub some gunk on themselves so the Bigfoot can’t smell them. 
• This is really the first time you see the Bigfoot’s face without his wood mask and he’s a dead ringer for the crate creature in Creepshow.
• Max tells Ashley to run so she can get away, but why can’t they both run?
• I will give credit to this movie for Max joking in the beginning that he learned out to make shivs in prison and now he’s using a makeshift knife against the Bigfoot. Even though the Bigfoot has had 27 opportunities to kill him and he won’t seal the deal.
• Yet another movie where the Bigfoot is killed but oh no there’s a whole family of the Bigfoots. We can do better.

Final Thoughts: This one starts out great, and the gory Bigfoot carnage is lovely, but then it slows to a screeching halt for about 25 minutes before picking up again for the finale. As a result, I didn’t have a whole lot to say about it. Not to sound like a broken record, but the kills are great and everything else is just fine. At least the story, what little there is, isn’t nonsensical like Monstrous was. The Bigfoot Predator thing is at least a little fresh, but this is another one where you could watch a kill compilation video and not really miss anything.

Score: 5.5 Ex-con Convict Ex-convicts Cons (out of 10)