Sasquatch Mountain (a.k.a. Devil on the Mountain) (2006)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: People in the woods run afoul of the Bigfoot.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Oh look, it’s Lance Henriksen… again! Now I’m just waiting for him to appear in the inevitable Bigfoot vs. Aliens crossover.
• So the beginning is a found footage scene in which Lance and a much younger woman are fixing her car in the middle of nowhere (and why would she be filming this?) and she gets hit by a truck that’s driving away from Bigfoot. The weirdest part of this is for some reason she mentions that she fell in love with Lance when she was 15, which is unimaginably creepy and makes Lance way more of a threat to the local community than the Bigfoot ever could be.
• Hey it’s Rance Howard as the 70-year-old sheriff! Wait, this is set in Arizona??? Prime Bigfoot country.
• Brad’s favorite actor, Craig Wasson!!!!!! Wow, how embarrassing for him. And the funny thing is he probably wasn’t the filmmakers’ first choice.
• Haha FYI this is literally his final onscreen acting credit. This should be amazing if it’s the movie that broke Craig Wasson.
• Oh he’s part of some kind of robbery crew.
• Once again, I DEMAND that Prime Video add a playback speed feature.
• So Wasson’s dumb gang robs a bank and shoot a cop in the process. What does this have to do with our lord and savior, Bigfoot?
• This woman, Erin, stops for gas where Lance’s daughter works, who has the inexplicably shot tape for sale of her mother getting killed under Bigfoot circumstances. None of this is interesting so far.
• Then Erin gets into another Bigfoot-related car accident that shows zero footage of a car accident and is some of the worst editing these 87-year-old eyes have ever seen.
• Oh she ran into Wasson’s Wobbers.
• So they get into a shootout with the cops, and Wasson instructs the Wobbers to “not hit anything but pork.” But they’re in the middle of nowhere and there are only those cops there, so there wasn’t any other option. Maybe this scene was meant to be shot in town and they didn’t change the script?
• There are some blurry shots of Bigfoot shoehorned in here for some reason. At least he’s involved.
• Hey it’s Tim Thomerson!  I really hope he wipes his bloody mouth off with Bigfoot’s hairy arm.

Scene from “Sasquatch Mountain”

• So the cops are tracking the Wobbers. It’s basically an endless scene of them walking through the woods, as is typical for these Bigfoot pictures. Bigfoot did punch to death one guy who was dying of a gunshot wound anyway, at least, so there’s that.
• Tim just said the girl the Wobbers have with them, Erin, is cute, but he has yet to lay eyes on her whatsoever.
• Bigfoot snuck up on Tim Thomerson, because Bigfoots are sneaky and silent, but I didn’t notice because there was a spinning dolly shot that went on for 5 minutes and I was violently throwing up.
• Lance is telling his daughter a lovely story about her mom but is conveniently leaving out the part where he’s a statutory rapist. Well, I guess I could look up the age of consent in Arizona, but I will not be doing that. And that doesn’t make it any less creepy.
• Rance and the cops find a bunch of blood and he declares it’s afterbirth. What?
• Enough with the fucking dolly, jesus. And the shaky cam, too. Film shots don’t need to have constant movement.
• How could they hear Bigfoot, fire shots in that direction, and not know if they hit it?
• The Bigfoot kills one of the cops. I guess he just doesn’t like loud sounds? Like a dog?
• Ohh Erin is the slutty girl from Cabin Fever, and the only thing I really remember from that movie.
• Ok, this is reminding me wayyyyy too much of the worst movie I’ve ever seen, Guns of El Chupacabra. A lot of random creature shots and firing off into the woods and Z-list celebrities. And that is a damning statement.
• I legit thought this shot of Lance Henriksen was someone wearing a Lance Henriksen mask for a second.
• I’m very confused how and why Lance is even out there. I guess he heard the gunshots? Even though there’s probably nonstop hunting going on out there? He runs into one of the Wobbers, and it couldn’t be more uninteresting if a woodland ape had actually written the script.
• Now Craig Wasson is droning on about Vietnam. We would’ve won that god damn war if we had a platoon of Bigfoots!
• Lance just called Wasson Pumpkinhead! What an easter egg, as well as being an accurate description of Wasson’s head!
• By Bigfoot’s balls I am so bored.
• Besides a bunch of talking in this dark cabin the only thing that’s happened is the Bigfoot threw rocks through the windows for some reason. At least one of them nailed Wasson in the dome.
• I honestly do not know why Lance and the younger Wobber guy are giving each other such a hard time like he’s Lance’s disappointing son-in-law or something. Which is definitely something you really want to see in your Bigfoot horror movie.
• Lance says to Rance (fun!), “It’s like being back in country, ain’t it?” Yes, sitting in a dark cabin hiding from the Bigfoot is exactly what Vietnam was like.

• Fortunately they find a working VCR to watch Lance’s wife’s bigfoot death tape that Erin got from Lance’s daughter at the gas station and somehow still has with her even after the car accident and kidnapping.
• Basically they’re all just sitting around in the dark, waiting until morning I guess? How compelling.
• So one of the Wobbers who was dying of Bigfoot wounds for some reason drags Erin out to the woods, to I guess sexually assault her? Then of course the Bigfoot comes around, and you see its arm when it kills one of the cops. Great.
• Oh at least Tim Thomerson is still alive, somehow. Also, you could briefly see the entire film crew in that scene.
• Wasson performs CPR on Rance that is so bad it would get him kicked out of a certification class.
• So another Wobber shoots the Bigfoot several times then runs at it so she can get her neck broken. Why would she run at it when she was shooting bullets at it? What was she going to accomplish? Also, I know the Bigfoot is a mythical creature, but it’s still basically a big animal, so I would think 7 bullets to the chest would put it down.
• Holy old gods if I ever see another blurry shaky cam movie again it will be entirely too soon.
• I think the Bigfoot just hates guns or something? I don’t know.
• If your Bigfoot costume is so shitty you constantly have to keep it in shadow, maybe just don’t bother.
• The Bigfoot loves love? I have no idea what’s going on but it does actually seem to be dying of its multiple gunshot wounds.
• So at the end, one of the Wobbers gives a waitress he was banging an envelope full of cash that says, “Enjoy the ride to YOU’RE beautiful future.” Well, I guess that sums it up.

Final Thoughts: There’s maybe a handful of gore in this but absolutely nothing else to recommend it. A couple of 15-year-old kids screwing around with their phone on a weekend could make basically the same movie. When the Bigfoot isn’t around it’s a total chore to get through, like folding laundry, but at least when you fold laundry you have folded laundry at the end. At the end of this, you have nothing. And that is the Bigfoot’s goal. Recommended for Lance Henriksen Bigfoot completists and people who are expecting boobs to be shown but like to be disappointed.

Score: 2 VHS Bigfoot Death Tapes from a Gas Station of Trauma (out of 10)