Monstrous (2020)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: People in the woods run afoul of the Bigfoot.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Right away we’re in for something REALLY different as this picture is set in the Adirondacks of New York instead of the Pacific Northwest. Unfortunately, that doesn’t improve the acting.
• Haley and her friend Alex are driving through the (what else) woods going to a (what else) cabin and hit an animal and the Bigfoot HATES that shit so he kills Haley. 
• I think this is set in Whitehall, NY, because these video clips mention it no less than 942 times.
• Three years later. That’s probably what the next 15 minutes of this movie will feel like.
• Wait, now we’re in Lansing, Michigan? Make up your fucking mind.
• Jamie, a Bigfoot-obsessed douchebag, lives in an apartment that has extremely low green lighting and there’s no way he wouldn’t be blind as a bat living that way. Or maybe he’s trying to gain echolocation in order to combat the Bigfoot.
• So Alex posted a Craigslist ad for a ride from Michigan to the Adirondacks, offering $100. OK. Has she never heard of a bus or train? That’s like an 11-hour trip!
• It seems that Jamie’s girlfriend(?) Sylvia was both burned in a Bigfoot fire as a kid and is the only person named Sylvia in the past 40 years.
• Oh nevermind, she checks a dating site on her phone and it specifically says she’s seeking women. Very subtle. And she has 0 matches, which always happens to attractive young women on dating sites.
• If this is going to be less about Bigfoot and more about a journey of self-discovery I’m going to be very angry.
• So Sylvia shows up at the meeting place for Alex’s ride, and Jamie calls her and tells her that he can’t make it because he’s got the shits. She didn’t bother to check with him first before setting out?
• By the way, Sylvia’s car has NY plates. Great job, guys. Or maybe she’s just planning ahead for her trip to New York.
• Alex is traveling to NY to be the photographer for a wedding? The couple couldn’t find anyone else within a 500-mile radius?
• Oh hey, they’re both gay. Did not see that one coming. I wonder if they’ll get together.
• I’m still fairly early on in my Bigfoot viewings but I can’t imagine any one of them starting out more boring than this.
• And we’re driving… and we’re traveling… and we’re arguing… and we’re kissing… and we’re driving…
• We finally get to the cabin and are treated to a PG-rated fully clothed love scene between Sylvia and Alex. What a thrill ride this has turned out to be.

• This cabin isn’t exactly secluded, they can see a major roadway from the porch.
• So Jamie is going after Sylvia because he hasn’t heard from her (for some reason), but he has no idea where he’s going other than “The Adirondacks.”
• This legitimately might be one of the most boring movies I’ve ever watched in my life. 
• So Sylvia’s friend, Dana, disappeared after driving Alex to the Adirondacks. Why does Alex even live in Michigan? Or does she live here? Or both? I don’t know.
• Finally it’s fucking Bigfoot again. That lasted half a second and I assume he killed Jamie. Who cares, though?
• Turns out dipshit Sylvia set her house on fire with a candle and killed her sister and now her mom won’t talk to her. Not because she burned the house down and killed her sister, but because she’s gay.
• If I didn’t know any better I’d think Sylvia showing Alex her burn scars was just an excuse to see her bare boobs. 
• Now Sylvia is getting Jamie’s voicemail, but didn’t get his multiple calls before. Makes sense.
• There just happens to be another picture of a missing girl laying around. Has Alex made a deal with the Bigfoot? I’d like to think so.
• So Alex knows the Bigfoot is out there and has a noise deterrent system, but why is she there in the first place then? Why not live away from the Bigfoot? And I guess she does live there? Why does she keep going back to Michigan? What about the wedding shoot?
• Alex tells a story of how she shot her dog so it wouldn’t howl and scare a deer away, so now we’ve confirmed she’s a raging psychopath. Maybe Sylvia should just call the police or something when her phone decides to work when it’s convenient. 
• So this is a serial killer movie and a Bigfoot movie all rolled into one? I mean, that’s something different at least, but it’s not executed in a very interesting way.
• You know, I’m starting to think there was no wedding photo shoot.
• So a woman named Molly escapes from Alex’s basement with Sylvia’s help, cuts the power, and that turns off the deer noise that’s keeping the Bigfoot away, so he sneaks into the house like a giant ninja, as a bloodthirsty woodland creature is wont to do.
• Sylvia runs afoul of the Bigfoot, and it just drops her off in the woods for some reason. Seems nice enough.
• Oh, there’s Jamie, who would have died of exposure and blood loss.
• Was Dana Jamie’s girlfriend? Maybe. I don’t care.
• Anyway, Molly is torturing Alex and Sylvia is going back to the house to save Molly even though she’s very badly injured. Instead of just calling the police, she’s going to set the Bigfoot on Alex. 
• Anyway Alex kills Molly so that’s moot.
• Sylvia and Alex beat the shit out of each other and it turns out they’re the two toughest human beings on the planet and their bones are made of adamantium wrapped in carbon fiber wrapped in bullshit.

• Maybe instead of just leaving tie the murderer up or lock her in the basement or something you dumb asshole? I hope Bigfoot eats all parties.
• Alex blasts Sylvia in the head with a rock repeatedly. If she does somehow survive she’s going to have severe brain damage and facial deformities.
• But it’s ok, because as she’s being brutally bludgeoned, she has a vision of the sister she killed in the fire, forgiving her. Gross.
• Why didn’t Alex just shoot Sylvia?
• Jamie shows up, and instead of trying to prevent Alex from beating Sylvia to death with a rock, he just turns off the sound deterrent thingy to get Bigfoot to do his saving work for him, the pansy.
• The Bigfoot immediately goes for Alex. Earlier she said she pissed it off, but it really wasn’t explained why, or why it’s just hanging around this house.
• After all that, the Bigfoot costume looks like a rubber dog.
• And then Bigfoot carries Sylvia back to the house, for some reason. Oh, she’s perfectly alive. Right…

Final Thoughts: I appreciate the different approach for this picture but it tries to blend two different things with the serial killer and Bigfoot and it just doesn’t work. It’s mostly a boring drama, and the Bigfoot really has barely anything to do with anything in this. And there are just too many bad decisions by the characters and too many instances of the characters being made of concrete and iron to really like it too much. Recommended for fans of remote secluded hideaways that are in view of the interstate.

Score: 3.5 Fatal Wounds That Have Little Effect (out of 10)