The Witch Who Came From The Sea (1976)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A tale that teaches kids to always listen to their fucked-up aunts.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• This poster screams Molly Hatchet album cover.

• I wouldn’t have let the tide drown the camera for the opening titles, but that’s just me.

• The witch’s nephews have the unlikely names of Tadd and Tripoli. I smell sequel.

• Molly (the witch not the hatchet) stares at the muscle guys crotches, then envisions them all violently killed. Nope, nothing wrong here.

• I’ve seen so much man junk within the last two films, you’d think I was watching the Paris Olympics. Does that joke still hold up three months later?

• What color were those opening credits?
  

  
  

• Thanks Otho.

• The dynamic between Molly and her nephews is just down right weird.

• Enough about Grandpa for fucks sake.

• Jack Dracula is Harry!
  

• Is this Venice Beach or a checkpoint in Fallujah?

• If you can’t already tell, Molly is pretty fucked upstairs.

• How many more times are we going hear how papa was lost at sea?

• Her sister Cathy is a fucking creep too.

• This movie answers the question: what if Anne Frank had lived and went psycho-sexually crazy in Venice Beach. Molly is played by Millie Perkins if you don’t get that joke.

• Molly has the first of many nude scenes here.
  

• From the looks of that ice bucket, I think Molly’s threesome is at the Holiday Inn.
  

• This threesome is so gross and disturbing, I need to cleanse my brain with some classic porn. Who’s up for some Sharon Mitchell? Or maybe the situation calls for Nina Hartley.

• This guy’s nostrils are so fucking big he can smoke a cigarette in the rain without an umbrella. Hiyo!

• When a chick has a straight razor in one hand, your Johnson in the other and says, “Shit. This is gonna take forever.” Your night is not going to go as planned, even after that back-handed compliment.
  

• And here we have the first, and I’m guessing not the last castration in this opus.

• Heh. Due to the technical limits of 1976, the “Scorcese-Copacabana” steady-cam shot had to stop at the front door.

• I love this waitress and the bartender. I wanna drink at The Boathouse forever and write a seventies sitcom about the two of them.

• If this movie star keeps staring at Molly like that, he’s gonna get the John Wayne Bobitt Special.

• Molly is fucking the bartender. OK terrific, free spirits, Age of Aquarius, I dig.

• After sex and in the morning, Molly looks like Alison Brie after a week in Vegas with nothing to eat or drink but cocaine and vanilla Stoli.

• If Molly didn’t want her nephews to get upset at the violent deaths of their football heroes, why the fuck did she violently murder them?

• I’m already tired of Molly and the nephews on the beach talking about their fucking grandfather. If I were Jonathan Livingston seagull, I’d shit right on their heads.
  

• Molly is truly fucked in the head, but she would make an incredible Dungeon Master.

• OK, this flashback just explained everything. Her amazing Papa raped her when she was a kid. So many things just immediately made sense right now.

• The bartender has the be-all end-all of a swinging seventies bachelor pad. Fucking bonus!

• Millie Perkins’ nipples should have third billing on the poster at this rate.
  
  

• Christ, enough with the child rape. Who’s the target audience? Spacey, Jared, and Glitter?

• I was wrong. This movie star Billy Bats has the greatest seventies pad.

• This history of Venus that Billy tells Molly gives away not only the plot, but the motive as well.

• Molly has been called a cunt twice now – check the Schlocktober stats to see if that’s a record.

• She almost bit Billy’s Willy off. I’m tired of dick jokes believe me, but Molly just won’t quit

• Molly escapes her assault by framing Billy, clever enough. While recouping at the bar, Molly says she has a headache so the awesome waitress from before gives her booze and unknown pills. This place is now my Cheers.

• Now Molly has her sights set on the guy from the shaving commercial. I really do not want to watch another sexual assault with castration for dessert.

• Molly is now getting a tattoo of a mermaid in almost the exact same spot as Snake Plissken’s cobra.

• I bet this tattoo would be permanent if Jack Dracula turned the needle on when he drew.

• Jack Dracula is also my new alias from here on out.
  
  

• I guessed Molly had a huge seventies Earth-Mama muff, and by Cthulhu I was right.

• OK, every time Molly says, “lost at sea” we get a shot of her being raped as a child.
  

  
  

• Are we in media res with Molly and the shaving commercial guy’s love affair?

• Trust me fellas, the “crazy ones fuck the best” novelty wears off pretty goddamn quick.

• Gunfire! Man down! No wait, the crazy blonde chick that was dumped is just shooting holes in the actor’s car. So what, big deal.

• I forgot to mention that one of the detectives pursuing Molly is played by George Buck Flower. John Carpenter’s John Ratzenberger if you will.

• They think Clarissa (the armed blonde) is responsible for the murders. Well played wack-job.

• The crazy ass old waitress says that faggots are doing all the killing. It was 1976, that’s how people talked snowflake, live with the past as it was.

• She then says that all football players are faggots and that she has details. Look, the NFL doesn’t even give a fuck about concussions…

• Treachery thy name is Cathy! Christ, what a performance!

• “I think he shits pills and pisses medicine.” I want this old waitress as my new Nona. Fucking SESAC ruining another video joke.
  

• You could have hid that blood pack in your hand a little better. Cut. Print.

• Some old school trippy seventies camera effects to enhance Molly’s fucked up visions.
  
  

• Body parts on a raft in the ocean? I don’t remember that in The Little Mermaid.

• Molly cuts the guy’s throat and chest open, then actually saws his balls off. I’m about to text my balls just to tell them that I love them.
  
  

• Now she wakes up at the bartender’s place nude and covered in blood, or as I call it: Tuesday.

• Cathy is just as horrible as her sister. What a whacked out shithead.

• I’ve also had quite enough of this fucked up family.

• It’s all about the fucking pills with this waitress – she really does rule. I would drink there every night.

• After all that crazy talk, it’s going to Bakersfield that shuts them all up?
  

• How the fuck did they get away with filming these scenes? Her fucking father died while raping her. I need a De-Con shower Level 6 stat.

• An assisted suicide as the cherry on top. Well, Molly didn’t have any other option really. Jail-time is outta the question of course.

• Tadd and Tripoli show up to help Molly kill herself, apparently without them knowing it, by fetching her more booze and pills. One feeds her the pills, while the other pours vodka down her throat. Weird, wacky, wild stuff.

• Molly dies right when the detectives knock on the door. Bravo to a true mind fuck of a movie.
  

Final Thoughts:  Even Bigfoot himself left the movie laughing like Leslie Nielsen and Priscilla Presley walking out of Platoon. I wonder when AI will figure out how to write in an understandable language.

Score: 7 Nights A Week I Can Be Found At The Boathouse (out of 10)

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