Abominable (2006)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: People in the woods run afoul of the Bigfoot.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• I wonder if Haley Joel is the actress’s real name or if she was just cashing in on Mr. Osment’s burning hot star?
• As a kid whose first movie memory is E.T. I have both good and bad feelings about seeing Dee Wallace Stone in shit like this.
• Anyway, she and her husband That Bald Guy From Cliffhanger run afoul of the Bigfoot in their, you’re not gonna believe this, secluded house in the woods. Little cliche there, Mr. Bigfoot.
• Good news for them, the Bigfoot just kills a horse and growls and leaves a couple of perfectly formed big footprints in the snow.
• Matt McCoy! Well now we know where $20 million of this movie’s budget went.
• Why is this clear Irishman wearing an Italian horn necklace?
• I’m pretty sure 93% of these Bigfoot movies this month start with a long opening credits montage of driving through the woods. And that estimate may be low.
• Jeffrey Combs is smoking a cigarette with oxygen in his nose. I may or may not know someone whose aunt set their face on fire doing that fairly recently.
• Matt McCoy (“Preston”) is returning home with his Irish/Italian nurse man after being hospitalized because he and his wife had a climbing accident that killed her, most likely related to Bigfoot chicanery.
• Why do all male nurses in movies like this act like a sleazy asshole? I guess so you cheer when they get horrifically mutilated later on?
• A gaggle of young ladies moves in right next to Preston in a house that is seemingly 13 inches away.
• The Bigfoot knocked down a telephone pole (it’s 2006 but Preston doesn’t seem to have a cell phone) and now he’s spying on the ladies with binoculars. This is way better than Rear Window because the Bigfoot is in it. Although that Grace Kelly had some pretty god damn hairy legs.
• It’s kind of off-putting so far that most shots are tight closeups. But it really helps you see the visible booger in Matt McCoy’s nose.
• It’s also strange in this foul year of our lord 2024 that Matt McCoy kind of looks like a younger RFK Jr. Will he slaughter the Bigfoot and dump its corpse in Central Park?
• Unsure if Preston already knows about the Bigfoot, due to its assumed involvement in his wife’s climbing death.
• I guess this is going to be the whole movie, this one night? That’s fine.
• Wait, there’s no phone service but there’s internet?
• God damn why is the Nurse Man such a complete asstwat? It’s like: Preston: “Grass is green.” Nurse Man (rolls eyes): “OK, whatever, Preston…”
• Lance Henriksen will now waste our time by reading the Wikipedia page for the Darwin Awards.
• Why would the Bigfoot POV be like a fish eye lens with weird color grading? Wouldn’t it just see like normal?
• Lance finds one of the party ladies in Bigfoot’s cave with her stomach slashed open. How has she not bled to death already?
• I like that the shotguns these guys brought to hunt with are like police riot shotguns. Must have been from their time on the force. The Bigfoot Force.
• Wilhelm scream from Lance!
• I like how this giant ape humanoid is just sneaking up on these dudes in the crunchy woods.

• You can apparently email a cellphone from a white pages website. Who knew?
• One of the ladies says, “There’s a new incoming text message,” which just sounds funny, instead of just saying “I got a text” like a non-octogenarian. 
• So Preston is trying to help these ladies with their missing friend, but is jumping through hoops instead of just going outside and talking to them. He’s not under house arrest by the Nurse Man or anything, and can easily open the sliding door to the deck that faces their house.
• Why is the Bigfoot making clicking sounds?
• You just knew one of the ladies was going to take a shower in full view of Preston and the Bigfoot.
• The Bigfoot reaches in and grabs her through the window, folding her in half backwards. Blood was sprayed on the wall, but in the next shot there’s nothing there. Nice one.
• Nurse Man cannot get cornholed and eviscerated by the Bigfoot fast enough for my taste.
• Preston sticks a syringe of Nyquil in Nurse Man’s neck, then the Bigfoot scares him in the window. I’m not sure which of those two props cost them more money.
• Hey it’s Paul Gleason as the oldest sheriff in North America!
• He’s in the classic Cameron Mitchell role here, but he did just stand up, so they must have bumped his salary up substantially.

Or what? What will I get if I mess with the bull, Paul? WHAT??!

• Why would you need to do day-for-night for an establishing shot of a cabin?
• One of the girls looks in the bathroom and starts screaming, but it’s unclear what she’s screaming at. Bigfoot took that showering girl’s body so all she’d be screaming at is an empty bathroom with maybe some broken glass in it.
• The window Preston keeps looking out of is too high for him to really see anything, and is directly next to two big sliding glass doors that lead to a deck, which he could way more easily look out of.
• We finally get our first full shot of the Bigfoot and he’s absolutely abomadorable. Definite Shakma Syndrome going on.
• Even when he pulls one of the girls through the floor and starts eating her, he’s still cute as a button. Bigfoot, not Preston.
• The costume isn’t bad at all, but the eyes look like they’re also latex, which makes it seem off. Not sure why they didn’t use the suit actor’s eyes? Or maybe it’s CG? Hard to tell, but it doesn’t work and it’s unsettling, but not in the good horror movie intended way.
• Rule #1 of climbing: Do not climb on a rock called Suicide Rock. Sounds like your wife deserved it, Preston.
• Why is the Bigfoot taking a breather right now? Why is it not continuing its rampage in Preston’s house? Maybe it’s taking a shit from eating those girls?
• Preston explains that his internet is working off a satellite. Ok, sure. Then the Bigfoot cuts the power like it’s Jason Voorhees while the last surviving girl, Amanda (Haley Joel) is trying to send a satellite email. But this is a laptop, the power going out wouldn’t affect it, because laptops famously have batteries.
• I’m not sure what their plan is here exactly but it involves them rappelling out a window and an axe on a rope. They can’t just run out the back door? Well, Preston obviously can’t, but Amanda could push him.
• I love that they’re leaving Nurse Man behind.
• Unfortunately, Nurse Man wakes up and puts an axe in the poor Bigfoot’s back. But then it eats his face off. So all is right with the world.

• Not that Preston and Amanda are annoying or anything, but I’m firmly on the side of the Bigfoot here. I do believe I’m going to be feeling that way at least 10 times this month. Stay the fuck out of his territory.
• Preston honks a car horn and the Bigfoot hates it! Where have I seen such a thing before???

• Preston crushes the Bigfoot against a tree with his car, and the axe that was still in its back comes out through his front. I guess Nurse Man was the hero after all.
• I can’t believe Paul Gleason briefly showed up for the last scene. They must have paid him an even more substantial amount. That was money that could’ve went towards the Bigfoot’s eyes.
• A deputy says they can’t find any bodies, but they would definitely find Nurse Man’s body.
• Shockingly, the Bigfoot is no longer at the car.
• A family of Bigfoots! Were they each doing some of the killing, or was it just that one Bigfoot’s turn that night?

Final Thoughts: I actually like this concept of Rear Window Bigfoot, If only it had a budget and a competent director and some tweaks to the casting and script, it could be some classic schlock. But as it stands in this timeline, it’s just ok. Recommended for fans of Paul Gleason, bad CGEyes, brief shower scene nudity, and dead wives.

Score: 6 Suicide Rocks (out of 10)