That had to be the shortest D&D night we’ve had in recent history. I told you Jeffy would try to cast Endure Elements instead of Hold Portal, cost him his ass didn’t it. I almost felt bad taking most of his treasure. Nah, let him sulk for the week – he’ll get over it. So we have a few hours to kill, throw me the Guide …

You are out of your goddamn mind. Little House on the Prairie? I’d rather watch that Jane Seymour thing at least she’s hot. There is not one hot chick on Prairie…dude, sick.

Little House on the Prairie Season 7, Episodes 17&18: Sylvia (1981)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Succinctly referred to as, “The Most WTF Episode of Little House on the Prairie ever” on a brain-less subreddit; this 1981 episode caused a good amount of trauma to Gen X’ers.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

PART ONE

• Prairie boys stealing the General Store catalog to jerk off to the illustrations of bras – a simpler more wholesome slice of Americana here.

• So what? Sew a button on your shirt! Whoa, easy with the course language son.

• Written and directed by Michael Landon. Not a surprise for this episode, he wrote and directed a lot of these, but he must have definitely caught a Giallo film festival in his off time and it had an impact.

• You never see a giant glass dispenser filled with gumballs anymore.

• These future frontiersman started off being peeping toms, and were lousy at it to boot.

• Albert is of course the one who’s caught peeping by Sylvia’s father played by Royal Dano of Killer Klowns fame.

• I forgot how much of a cunt Mrs. Oleson was.

• I guess Albert’s gonna just leave his school books there on the road. Dig ‘em up, nowadays they might be worth sumthin’.

• I’m guessing Sylvia’s home life sucks even by prairie standards.

• Jesus Christ the victim blaming in this! Poor Sylvia is peeped on while she gets dressed by the Minnesota Geek Squad and it’s her fault. Fucking hayseeds.

• Sylvia’s dad has the perfect face for constantly threatening whoopings.

• Sylvia’s dad also clearly hates women.

• “Bind them up tighter. I don’t want anyone lookin’.” Is that the Little House version of the “Dirty Pillows” scene from Carrie or is it from Hellraiser?

• “Harriet, boys will be boys.” “My son will not be a boy!” – nah, too easy.

• Willie Oleson makes me sick, but he might have a future in comedy.

• “I didn’t even see her toes!” Obviously Willie has yet to see a Tarantino film.

• Sylvia returns Albert’s books that he dropped before – thus ruining my joke.

• For Chrissakes even Laura is gonna give Sylvia shit?

• OK, Melissa Gilbert os on her side – good thing Mrs. Wilder!

• Landon is finally onscreen, rock on.

• No one younger than me will get this, but I still think of Kodak film whenever I hear Michael Landon’s voice.

• Laura Ingalls Wilder – the Gloria Allred of the prairie.

• Oh shit, a slow tracking shot to a wide and dilated eyeball watching Sylvia through branches. After that Giallo festival, I think Landon also took in a showing of the original Friday the 13th.

• This shot was so reminiscent, I was surprised not to hear ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma.
  

• Of course you brainless God-fearing townsfolk! A young girl walking in the woods by herself picking flowers is a whore and has the devil inside her.

• I bet this episode would have made me wet my Empire Strikes Back pajamas upon first viewing.

• An 80’s horror jump scare! Well done Little Joe.

• Holy dust-ridden Christ, it’s a masked rapist in all black! Someone call John Saxon!

• The rapist’s mask looks like Stallone, Dr. Frankenfurter, and Tammy Faye Baker all ran into each other at full speed.

• Did they have those knitted winter caps back then?

• Sylvia drops her bouquet as the rapist drags her away and the camera zooms in on the daisies and we go to commercial. Get it? She was de-flowered. Landon with the symbolism yields gold.

  
  
  Shit, that reminds me did we go grocery shopping yet? Oh yeah, it’s Monday right. Well, where are we going Friday – Shop Rite in Croton or Finast? I don’t care either one, I’m easy.
  

• Sylvia crawls home like Camille Keaton (holy shit that’s a good joke), and tells Papa she was raped. Of course it was her fault walking home with only four petticoats on instead of five – she was asking for it being almost naked in the woods.

• Papa’s solution to this is to give Sylvia the Mrs. Walker from “Tommy” instructions.
  

• “No one must know of this disgrace. Do you understand?” That was printed on every comment card after the test screening of Batgirl.

• I don’t know if it’s because of the time it portrays or the time it was made, but we get it – ladies were second class citizens.

• On the playground, Sylvia experiences what will eventually be called PTSD and has a fit when the boys grab her. Laura comes to the hysterical girl’s aid by slapping her to calm down. A practice unfortunately no longer allowed for teachers to implement.

• Willie Oleson once again is the first to say that he didn’t do nuttin’. One of his future descendants is probably saying the same thing to a district judge in Georgia right now.

• Laura Ingalls is married by this time in the show and her voice sounds like it still hasn’t changed.

• Not even Doc Baker can get through to Sylvia’s stubborn prick of a papa.

• I mean c’mon, we had to have some banter between ma and pa Ingalls at least once in the episode – I think they were stipulated in the contracts.

• In Sylvia’s defense, Albert clocks Willie right in the mush and we get a shoutout to a classic 1970’s catchphrase:
  

• “Mother! Mother! I’m bleeding!” Fucking Willie went from Marcia Brady to Norman Bates in five seconds.

• Whoa, asking a girl to go fishing with you Albert? Why don’t you just pick out the china patterns while you’re at it?

• Gents have you ever been so happy when a chick says that she likes you, that you actually skipped away? Don’t lie because I’ll know.

  
  
  I like the new Grand Prix’s. Shit, I have a load in the dryer – good thing that Yes commercial reminded me. Yeah, I know don’t get you started on Yes – Drama was a good album for fuck’s sake and I’m not having this argument again. Admit it, you just can’t take change. You haven’t been the same since Barkers changed to King’s last summer.
  

• Why did school kids in the 1870’s get nervous about a history exam? There hardly was any yet.

• I dunno why this episode is considered WTF, I find it heart-breaking but I’m old and baked.

• Shit! Rapist in black’s arm on a tree while he watches Albert & Sylvia fishing. ‘Ole slasher tropes live well out on the Prairie I tell you.
  
  
  

• No clues as to who the rapist is besides his eye. But his eyebrows look ginger – and that’s guilty enough for me.

• Albert declares his love for Sylvia by cutting through three inches of bark on a nearby redwood, then appears to belt sand it and wood burn damn near perfect typography. The ‘loves” between their names was all caps and in a smaller font than above and below. Albert was the fucking Chip Kidd of the prairie.

• Albert, I’m telling ya, pull in those reigns! That kiss landed on Sylvia’s lips and lasted almost one second. You know in these times she already owns your house now right?

• Why do I feel like this has the potential to become a Papa Don’t Preach On The Prairie situation. No, I’m not posting the Madonna video.

• Was Ma Ingalls’ voice always that fucking high?

• I would give anything for Michael Landon’s hair.

• Could you ever imagine a priest showing up at your door and asking if you’re all right?

  
  
  You ever do shots of Listermint to get a buzz? Nah, I read it somewhere. That was the worst fucking Humphrey Bogart impression I’ve ever seen! Rich Little was on Carson a while back and his killed. This Friday is a thirteenth? Dude, I read in Fangoria that part two is coming out in like three months or something.
  

• Apparently this is October, so you know – scary.

• On the prairie, deep breaths and cold well water were the cure for obvious morning sickness.

• Doc Baker is working overtime. Fighting crime. Fighting crime.
  

• I have never seen the phrase, “She’s with child son” cause so much havoc in a boy’s psyche that he has to yell “No!” at least four times.

• I wouldn’t be surprised if Sylvia’s father kills her himself to end this episode quick after the pregnancy news breaks.

• Fucking Landon hitting out the cinematography park with that tracking shot along the fence leading to a pensive Albert.

• Now even Albert hates Sylvia for getting pregnant regardless of the fact that he doesn’t know what’s going on with her.

• Sylvia’s dad’s plan for becoming a grandfather includes: incarceration, media blackouts, asset liquidation, false identities and false records. There is truly nothing new under the sun.

  Jesus Ingall Christ, that episode was fucked up!  Figures it would be a two-parter.
  

  PART TWO

• The first scene of part 2 after the quick “last week on Little House” recap is here to remind you that no matter much time has passed; Mrs. Oleson is still a malignant cunt.

• Was there ever a documented reason for all of the hatred the Olesons had for the Ingalls?

• These close-ups on Mrs. Oleson’s awful god damn teeth are another sign that Landon was Giallo inspired.

• One crazy, entitled, brainless fucking asshole says one terrible lie and everyone believes it instantly? Thank fuck that never happened again.

• Albert breaks Wille’s nose again. You’d think that inbred douche would’ve learned to duck by now.

• Hell hath no fury like Caroline Ingalls scorned.

• A hand-held POV jump scare – well played again Mr. Landon.

• Caroline smashing dough in Mrs. Oleson’s face would nowadays be cited for it not only to be triggering; but the Yeast Growers advocacy would be up in arms.

• It has been a very long time since I’ve seen an episode of the show, so I forgot that Nellie Oleson was a dead ringer for The Bad Seed.

• Something about this scene with Sylvia, her Dad, and the blacksmith doesn’t feel right.

  
  
  Dude, I fucking love this commercial, wait for the hot blonde teacher…there she is. Huh? Seriously dude, McDonalds again? That shit is gonna be the death of you…the Easter bunny with chicken voice!
  

• Wanting to get a job to raise and support a baby that isn’t yours? Oh Albert, I’ve so much to teach you.

• Another scene with this blacksmith that isn’t really a series regular…

• “It’s your shame I’m trying to hide!” said every Trump family member to the other at one point in time.

• Sylvia’s father says to her, “How can I believe a whore?” Truly a fucked up thing to say to a rape victim let alone your own daughter; but funny to hear Royal Dano say “whore” so intentionally garbled as to get it by the censors.

• Landon is now using a night-time thunder storm in front of a fire – no one can tell me otherwise that he was trying to capitalize on the current horror trend to get viewers.

• Grandpa Ingalls was married at 14 – cue banjo music.

• We get one of those patented Ingalls’ family values speeches here, time to get another beer.

• You never bust into a house whose owner was in Bonanza motherfucker.

• Thank The Elder Ones that by simply saying, “I swear to God” no longer immediately gets you out of any sort of trouble.

• Only Michael Landon can pull off a scene where a crazed man who accuses your son of rape, breaks into your home with a shotgun, you beat the shit out of him until he accepts the truth; then cradle him in the rain like you’re gonna play an angel in a future TV series.

• These old barn shots in the middle of autumn woods sure ring a bell.

• I guess you really can clean up a one horse town.

• Oh for fuck’s sake it’s Irv! I know a let’s show who it is when there’s 11 minutes left in the third act shot when I see it.

• Daisies again. uh oh.

• Was that Chuck the Dog from “Up The Creek?”
  

• Landon shooting some old school Bonanza shit right now.

• Another It’s definitely Irv scene quickly thrown in.

• In the episode’s greatest shot – Sylvia lies in the foreground asleep while a lock of her hair (thanks to some SFX fishing line) twitches as the rapist pries open the door behind her. Landon was watching Argento to be more precise.

• Told ya it was the blacksmith.

• Albert tries to pull a Mighty Mouse and fails miserably.

• Sylvia falls to her impending death, the blacksmith is shot, Albert cries, and Landon stares. Pour the gin Lydia, I’m coming home.

• The mask and gloves remain, but Irv’s body is nowhere to be found. Ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma.

• A dagger in the heart, the closest thing this episode has to a final girl – Sylvia, dies of her injuries from the fall. Since she was pregnant, Irv will be charged with double murder. Good night and have a much more pleasant tomorrow.

Final Thoughts:  I’m in no way about to go back and binge watch all 204 episodes of this show, but this one was definitely worthy of its small place in the horror pantheon. I guess airing it in February instead of October gave it a little bit more validity and seriousness – instead of ending up with a cheap horror knock off set in 1877. It was a very good episode and kudos to Michael Landon for making a dark departure from the series just as the TV Guide promised.

Until we all come to the clearing at the end of the path, long days and pleasant nights to ya …

Score: 8.5 Perpetually Suspicious Blacksmiths (out of 10)

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