Shit, I feel like we went back in time. I mean it was the night before Halloween just a second ago – and now it’s February. Man, this is good weed. So what are we watching?

You want to go with this? Benson has a new one tonight. No, nothing, it’s just that we’re arguing about what to watch on a Friday night instead of going out to get laid and/or drunk. Yes I know that we were nine the night this aired and we wouldn’t be talking like teenagers. You really don’t take the ride do ya?

This House Possessed (1981)

The Whole Shebang:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: One of The Hardy Boys from the 70’s, teams up with a girl who was Spider-Man’s girlfriend in the pilot episode of his show from the 70’s; to make an 80’s haunted house horror movie with a twist.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Amanda Wyss is in this. Right on.
  
  
• Did this fucking guy, who is over the age of ten, just wish he could play house with his girlfriend? Ugh.
  
  
• This house isn’t possessed, it’s a peeping tom.
  
  
• Oh, hang on. The fucking garden hose just came to life and shot water on the just-wanted-to-fornicate-on-the-front-lawn couple.
  
  
• Why was Amanda Wyss screaming so much? Was the water boiling?
  
  
• It seems the house is possessed with yacht rock.
  
  
• The house is also a big Parker Stevenson fan since he’s on the only TV in the house.
  
  
• Parker may be able to pull off lip-syncing, but his crowd work leaves a lot to be desired.
  
  
• He goes on to belt out a tune called, “Sensitive You’re Not.” Guess what – a good song it’s not.
  
  
• Oh dear, Gary (Parker) passes out on stage, thankfully not being able to finish that song.
  
  
• Christ, this movie has a scene with Slim Pickens and David Paymer – 1981 was a magical year.
  
  
• Slim is Gary’s manager, and I wish he ran in screaming, “What in the Wide World of Sports is going on here?”
  
  
• Very masculine scream to wake up with Gary, well done.
  
  
• Underrated 80’s hottie Lisa Eilbacher is nurse Sheila. Aww right.
  
  
• Shelley Smith too? They are pulling out all the stops for this flick. Oddly enough she just died a few weeks ago as of this writing.
  
  
• The fucking house can watch Gary wherever he is through the TV. OK I get it, it’s possessed.
  
  
• Sheila dating a married man is a problem with her being Gary’s private nurse. He’s a pop star, he’s gonna bang Sheila whether her boyfriend has a wife or not.
  
  
• Was that it for Amanda Wyss? I forgot to ask.
  
  
• How rich and famous is Gary that he can just drive into a town and rent the biggest house they got.
  
  
• This house is obviously big fan of Gary’s so him staying inside it must be like meeting Elvis.
  
  
• All windows have unbreakable glass, that’s a plot point if I ever heard one.
  
  
• Now Gary wants to own it instead of renting it, and the house seems to take a liking to Sheila. I think a lover’s triangle is about to commence.
  
  
• Who is Margaret and who is the disembodied voice asking for her?
  
  
• After screaming in terror, why do people follow-up with, “Oh, you startled me.”
  
  
• Headaches are what’s keeping us from new music from Gary? Well then, hide the aspirin.
  
  
• Sheila thinks if she goes and gets Gary’s pills, the new song Gary is writing will be for her. Easy there Yoko.
  
  
• How did the house get six different pics of Sheila as a kid?
  
  
• An incredibly disheveled Elizabeth Collins Stoddard is a rag lady who calls Sheila, “Margaret” and tells her that she shouldn’t have come.
  
  

• I will admit that for 1981 this is a strange house.
  
  
• Fucking music boxed always mean creepy shit in empty houses.
  
  
• And a lone Raggedy Anne doll in a closet doesn’t fucking help either.
  
  
• What exactly are the house’s motives at his point?
  
  
• Anyone else think that the Raggedy Anne doll was gonna get up and walk around after Gary and Sheila left the room?
  
  
• I haven’t seen a bicycle built for two in a very long time Daisy.
  
  
• I bet that very concerned doctor from before is Sheila’s dad.
  
  
• Gary tells Sheila that his mom lives in Westchester. So does mine, your point?
  
  
• That’s no twice Gary, now get off the lady. The house sets off its alarms in a jealous rage.
  
  
• Gary thinks that the alarm has ruined the mood and not his mild sexual assault.
  
  
• The house may be possessed, but with those solar panels it’s also green as fuck.
  
  
• Hey! Tanya’s here – no way the house isn’t gonna kill this bitch.
  
  
• Tanya may be categorized as the villain, but she offered to bail if Sheila was banging Gary – that makes her cool in my hood.
  
  
• Rag lady Joan Benett tells Sheila/Margaret to get outta Dodge again.
  
  
• Wow, Sheila just walked into a library and asked for something to read.
  
  
  
  
  
• At least in the library we get some back story.
  
  
• Gary’s new song sounds like Supertramp vomited Air Supply.
  
  
• The house sees Sheila while she’s sleeping, so be good for goodness sake.
  
  
• Tanya’s in the shower in what would have bee the movies nude scene had this not been the ABC Friday Night Movie.
  
  
• The house seals Tanya in the shower and gives her a literal blood bath.
  
  
• Tanya just ran away from the house off-screen, lazy TV writing.
  
  
• The rag lady lives with Morris the cat.
  
  
• Sheila calls Gary a singing star, not a rock or pop star. Maybe the writing isn’t so lazy.
  
  
• Sheila reveals that she can’t remember the first seven years off her life – I bet she was fucking named Margaret during them.
  
  
• Gary’s second attempt at making a move on Sheila has definitely landed in the consent zone this time. Hoo-ahh.
  
  
• The town librarian shows up late night with some info on the history of the house and the house fucking kills her by crushing her car into an explosion with the front gate. Hilarious.
  
  
• Sheila’s crying at the burning car like it’s the end of “Old Yeller.” You knew that librarian lady for 48 hours tops.
  
  
• The general from “WarGames” who would’ve pissed on a spark plug if it could’ve shut down the W.O.P.R.; is now a detective who don’t take too kindly to Gary or his so-called rock music.
  
  
• Would someone please close the back fucking window on Gary’s Bronco? It’s been annoying the piss outta me the whole movie.
  
  
• This house is not gonna let Sheila go on a European tour in a million years.
  
  
• No matter what’s been going on, Sheila likes living in this house and feels like she’s home. We’re getting into The Haunting at Hill House territory now.
  
  
• A marriage proposal Gary? Christ, it’s only been a week, you sure she’s the one?
  
  
• I hope he asked the house’s permission to propose first.
  
  
• It’s getting harder and harder to remember what having commercials was like on network TV in the old days.
  
  
  
  Wonder jelly? All right, if they say so. Does that company know that shining your shoes with Vaseline means something else entirely?
  
  
• I think Gary’s suspicions are going to interfere with his engagement.
  
  
• The house was designed for Gary and Margaret according to the county accessor’s office. I think the wrap-up is almost upon us.
  
  
• So, it’s the house giving Gary his migraines suspiciously when he picks a fight with Sheila.
  
  
• Or should we start calling Margaret now?
  
  
• Rag lady shows up and reveals that she was Margaret’s nurse during the first seven years of her life. She spoils the beans, and the house boils the pool water and blows rag lady in for a tempura treatment.
  
  
• If this house loves Sheila/Margaret so much – what will it do as far as body disposal goes?
  
  
• Looks like the house is giving Gary the ’ole “If I can’t have her, no one…” routine.
  
  
• Unbreakable windows Gary, remember?
  
  
• First the house tries to carbon freeze our heroes, now it’s trying to bake them.
  
  
• I don’t know why, but this movie feels more 1987 than 1981. Must be the high-tech angle of the house.
  
  
• If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if the brick face above your fireplace started breathing – this is your movie.
  
  
• That’s it? They just burn the house down?
  
  
• No, Sheila/Margaret gives a speech that could’ve been delivered to a husband or boyfriend – but it’s given to the house.
  
  
• The house realizes that they can never be, it’s Margaret’s happiness is what matters the most and as it watches her and Gary embrace, the flames grow higher …

OK, it’s only 11:00, we can still go to Scruples or Squires – last call is 3 I think, I dunno I’m pretty baked. Nah, I’m OK to drive – all you do is get on 9A and smash the side of your car into the guardrail and step on the gas. You don’t even have to steer, just gas and brake.

I know I’m a genius. All things serve the beam.

Final Thoughts:  It’s not always easy to shit on these old made for TV movies – you know they were there to just eat up blocks of time either after the big shows or leading up to them. There are some prime-time horror gems out there if you look hard enough.

Score: 5 Thankfully Never Released Singles From Gary Straihorn (out of 10)

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