Cheerleader Camp (1988)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: We went into a camp to inoculate some cheerleaders. We left the camp after we had inoculated the cheerleaders for polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn’t see. We went back there, and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of cheering arms.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• A slasher film set at a CAMP???! It’ll never work. 
• I’ve had this exact same nightmare where I’m a pretty cheerleader and get attacked by an invisible enemy while my parents reject me.
• Is Leif Garret supposed to be in the same grade as these girls, or their 50-year-old teacher?
• Holy shit, what a cast! We’ve got Avenging Angel, Ninja III, Pamela Teen Wolf, a legitimate porn star, the hot senorita from Three Amigos, and Red from Back to the Future!
• It took a whole 12 minutes before we saw bare boobies in a movie called Cheerleader Camp. They probably received a hefty fine for that.
• Our group of girls is jealous of another bitchy girls looks, even though they’re all as or more beautiful. This isn’t like a She’s All That scenario.
• Red was talking to the sheriff (who was spying on the girls sunbathing, and is played by John Prettyman), and then he disappeared like Batman. That would be a good swerve for a movie like this, all of a sudden Batman shows up to solve the murder mystery.
• Anyway, Avenging Angel may be a psycho, and she finds the body of the girl she was jealous of. Anyway, I promised to stop writing everything out several posts ago. Anyway.
• I’m pretty sure finding a murdered body would shut down the cheerleader camp competition. Even if they do think it’s a suicide.
• Teenage suicide: don’t do it.
• Part of the girls’ group is a lardass named Timmy who was filming the girls sunbathing topless and when he plays it back later it’s the exact same shots from that scene, like they put the dailies on the TV.
• Were teenage girls still wearing full-length Little House on the Prairie nightgowns in 1988?
• Our group is cheering to the worst rap this side of “Top That” by Leif and Timmy. I’m ashamed of being white and would like to apologize to anyone willing to listen.

• Looks like Red and the creepy camp cook moved that girl’s body to the freezer on the orders of the camp director. Typically that’s the kind of thing revealed at the end of a movie like this. Anyway, the sheriff doesn’t care either, because he’s a horn dog (his name’s even Mad Dog), and Red promised him a sexual experience beyond his wildest dreams in exchange for his silence.
• Oh good, a shot of Leif Garrett tugging at his balls.
• Speaking of balls, so far this is more like Meatballs (unfunny camp schlock) than Friday the 13th. If it wasn’t for the dead girl, who wasn’t even killed onscreen, there would be not horror element whatsoever, and we’re 1/3 through.
• Absolutely hilarious dream sex scene with Red and the other camp people cheering around the bed. Very erotic.
• FINALLY a kill with some gore halfway through the god damn movie. That’s quite a few gardening shears kills this month.
• I think we’re meant to believe Avenging Angel is murdering these girls because of Leif Garrett flirting with them but my money’s on Ninja III: Electric Boogaloo, because she’s just the school mascot and she’s jealous. She shoulda had a V8.

• I’m also convinced this was filmed in 1983 and shelved until 1988.
• Kind of weird that Lucinda Dickey isn’t really dancing because of her background in Breakin’, unless that’s really her in the alligator mascot costume.
• There’s not much going on except a dumb queen contest but Leif Garrett just opened a door to the outside that had black tape over the glass to simulate night, so that was pretty funny.
• Gimme an S! Gimme an L! Gimme an O! Gimme a G!
• 2/3 through, one kill.
• The killer hits the Three Amigos girl with a van. Exciting.
• This is so boring I’m depressed. Hopefully I can cheer up.
• Things are finally ramping up by about 4%. More murdering is happening and people are taking it seriously for a change.
• Ninja III being the killer is the most obvious thing since Richard Simmons.
• How many times are we going to reveal that the camp director has been killed? So far we’re up to 18.
• I really hope Red turns out to be the hero here.
• Multiple people are dead and Timmy is still being a fucking goofwad. I hope they carve that turkey up next.
• Forget what I said about ramping up.
• Leif Garrett sets a hanging bear trap for the killer and it closes on the sheriff’s face. That’s cool, but it was done in almost total darkness, which was dumb. Still, it’s kind of cool that there was a non-killer kill. Kind of. Oh well.
• Ninja III shot Red. Crazy drunk cheerleader. Cheers to you, Red.

• Instead of driving the fuck away they just have champagne in one of the buildings. Literally every other person at the camp just ran off to safety before. This is so god damn dumb.
• Ninja III convinces Avenging Angel to shoot Leif because he’s the killer, but he is not, he’s just drunk. I guess Ninja III just wanted to protect her?
• Wait, the cops think Avenging Angel is the killer? How and why??? Just because Ninja III said so? This makes zero sense.
• Oh guess what, Ninja III was the killer. Shockolating.

Final Thoughts: Man, I would’ve thought with this premise and cast this would’ve been a slam dunk, but it was more like an airball that goes 60 feet into the stands and breaks some elderly fan’s nose, then the cheerleader dance squad comes out between quarters and stink up the arena and everyone hates them and throws $18 beers at them, and cotton candy, somehow. 

Score: 3 Cheers! (out of 10)