Slotherhouse (2023)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Seven years of sloth veterinary school.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• This movie just started but it’s moving a little slow. 
• The most improbable part of this so far is that’s these girls are in a fully functional mall. 
• If this sorority house movie was made 35 years ago it would be wall to wall boobies. Now it’s wall to wall hashtags. #progress
• Wait are hashtags even popular anymore? Call me an old softy, but I’d prefer it if you called me a distinguished gentleman with a flagging erection. 
• Why would someone be actively mean to a sloth?
• Poaching exotic animals seems like a lot of work. I would go for poaching more domestic animals. Sure, the money may not be as lucrative, but trapping a squirrel wouldn’t be nearly as difficult as a puma. 
• Why does this sorority house look like the Rockefeller estate?
• You see this trope countless times, but has the over the top purely evil sorority queen bitch ever actually existed in real life?
• Long story short, Emily bought the sloth off the poacher to make her more popular at her sorority because she’s running for president. Why would anyone care about that this much?
• So a dozen girls want to rush this sorority just because there’s a sloth in the house?
• All of the main girls are seniors, but they should have made them slothmores.
• I really hope the sloth carnage begins immediately. 
• They should’ve cast Jeff Cohen in this movie, because sloth loves Chunk. 
• I love that Alpha the sloth drugged this girl’s drink before she slashed her throat. That shows way more initiative than anything Jason ever did, and serves as a good public service announcement to young women to never leave your drinks unattended. Because of sloths.
• Alpha is killing every girl who’s against Emily’s sorority presidential campaign. It’s just like All the President’s Men. 
• Emily has a friend who wants Alpha to go back to the wild. Friggin’ hippie. Just let the sloth have fun. Anyway, Alpha throws her phone in front of a car and she gets hit by it. GOOD. 
• Alpha just teleported from the hospital to the sorority! The Schlocktoberfest teleportation streak continues!
• It’s never explained why Alpha is so strong and intelligent and indestructible. You would expect that they would explain he was used in science experiments or something, like Brad, but nope.

• This showering girl has a body built for sin: sloth.
• So there’s really not much to write about. Alpha murders sorority girls and takes selfies. Emily eventually shoots Alpha enough times that it gives up. And Emily takes it back to the jungles of Panama, where she meets Van Halen and kills Eddie. 

Final Thoughts: As you can see, not a lot to say about this because there’s not a whole lot to it. This movie is a textbook example of a fantastic idea for a title and trailer that just doesn’t really work over a feature length. If you just watch the trailer and a kill montage that’s literally all you need out of this one. I was pretty disappointed because I loved the trailer and it seemed like this would be right up my alley, but the results are not great. Still, overall, there are not the worst horror movie about adorable creatures out there.

Score: 4.5 Slow Pokes (out of 10)