American Gothic (1987)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Based on the painting of the same name.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• So I mistakenly watched Silent Scream, forgetting that Jim had already reviewed it 27 years ago, but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t watch and review another Yvonne De Carlo masterpiece!
• This opening credits shot of a sea plane is a direct ripoff of Hard Ticket to Hawaii. And the theme music sounds like it’s from an ’80s show about a truck driver who solves local mysteries with his pet raccoon in tow.
• Here’s the scoop: A group of friends head to an island retreat but there’s plane trouble and they have to land at the American Gothic island where they will run afoul of the weird family and most of them will die and the one lady who’s baby died will survive and maybe her husband too but that’s 50/50.
• Lines of dialogue about leaving this island: “I want to know when I can get off.” “Don’t worry, we’ll get you off.”
• Another line NOT about the island: “I only dive for muff, sweetheart.” Instantly a top 10 best line in Schlocktoberfest history.
• So Cynthia’s baby is dead because she left it in the tub and the phone rang and she went to go answer it. What a fucking numbskull.
• The group comes to the family’s house, and just make themselves at home and screw around without actually checking to see if anyone’s there. They all completely deserve everything they’re about to endure. I think the only one we’re supposed to sympathize with is Cynthia, but she’s a dipshit infant murderer.
• Ma and Pa come home, and the group is shocked to discover that somebody’s house is somebody’s house.
• This group really is a bunch of absolute twats. How could anyone not be on the side of the Gothics?
• Daughter Fanny Gothic pops out of a closet, and legitimately looks just as old if not older than Ma. In fact, she’s kind of the spitting image of Benny Hill as a baby with a wig on. It possibly is? Anyway, she thinks she’s 12.

• We’re 1/3 through and nothing whatsoever has happened yet.
• So these assholes left one guy back with the plane, and I guess no one went back to tell him that they found a house with beds and food? They are the WORRRRRRRRRST.
• Hey it’s Herman, the homeless guy who froze to death in Scrooged as brother Woody Gothic.
• Finally they kill the spikey mullet jerkoff with a cliffside swing.
• I guess this isn’t quite as slasher as I thought it was but close enough. Oh well.
• This is moving slower than the discovery of Benny Hill’s corpse.
• Speaking of which, Fanny has a mummified baby.
• Then there’s another brother, Teddy, who comes out of nowhere, even though they’ve all been there for two days.
• So Fanny touches the other asshole guy’s face and shoves a spike through his eye and he just kind of sits there and lets her do it. Good.
• The bitchiest girl is hanged offscreen, and I’m bummed because I really wanted to see that.
• Cynthia should just join the Gothics. It’s better than her previous group.
• Given the painting that inspired this, shouldn’t this be more of a midwestern farm setting instead of an island?
• And if the Gothics never leave this island, that raises a bunch of questions, such as, how do they get food? Do they make their own toilet paper? Who’s the father of the Benny Hill mummy baby?
• Cynthia does join the family after everyone else is dead, but there’s 15 minutes left so it won’t last, unfortunately.
• Another movie with hanged bodies in the basement. Maybe one will inexplicably spring to life and choke Pa and there will be a freeze-frame ending. Or a frozen high five.
• Turns out Cynthia’s crazier than everyone else combined and kills the Gothics, who were nothing but nice to her. That’s what happens when women’s health care rights are stripped away.

Final Thoughts: Quite boring any time the family isn’t acting nuts or killing one of the Asshole’s Club. It’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre Lite with none of the dread, horror, excitement, or interest. It’s also more predictable than inclement weather and a headlice outbreak when we try to plan a summer activity. The most interesting aspect of this picture is this piece of trivia: Originally, Stephen Shellen (Paul) was intended to be the lead. A week into principal photography, Shellan got into a bar brawl and returned to work with his face mangled so badly that makeup wouldn’t cover it. Working quickly to prevent the production from shutting down, director John Hough revised the entire script and made Sarah Torgov (Cynthia) the leading character. Hough was credited as a co-writer in the British print.

Score: 3 Mummified Benny Hill Babies (out of 10)