Too Scared to Scream (1984)

Trailer (this is a clip, not a trailer, but it’s all they had): 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Too scared to say!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Starring Anne Archer and some cocksucker.
• Ugh, John Heard. Is he the killer who’s going to bore his victims to death?
• Weird seeing Ian McShane without loads of age lines on his face. I thought he was born that way.
• This is the ’80s, and a man is putting makeup on, so you know he’s deranged.
• This lounge music is really setting the table for terror.
• So Ian McShane is a concierge in a luxe apartment building, who is a hit with the old lonely crones living out their twilight years there.
• What do you call nudity where you see boobs and butt but not bush? Not exactly full-frontal. Partial-frontal? Milk-milk-fudge?
• So this woman took a whole shower then gets mostly dressed and then opens the closet and then gets stabbed? Why not stab her in the shower? Too cliche, I guess?
• This African-American cleaning woman is a great character and I hope she turns out to the the heroine of the film.
• The killer stuffed her whole body in the dryer? I get that makes for an ok jump scare but why would he bother?
• I think the other concierge just implied that most of the tenants are high-class hookers. So this is just an expensive whorehouse?
• MAYOR VAUGHN!! You yell dead hooker, we’ve got a panic on our hands on the 4th of July…
• Mayor Vaughn is distraught over the hooker’s death. You ain’t supposed to love ’em, playa…
• Ian McShane creepily celebrating his catatonic mom’s birthday with her isn’t nearly as exciting as it sounds.
• I think this might be more of a thriller than a slasher. Maybe we should call this year “Schlocktoberfest 13: Oh Well.”
• A rich guy who dropped off the hooker in the beginning was assaulted and had his ass burned by his chauffer in an apparently unrelated incident.
• The horny old crone is stabbed to death. It’s not particularly interesting and it seems too obvious that Ian McShane did it because she kept bothering him?
• Oh here’s Anne Archer as an undercover lady cop. I like how she got top billing and first appears 40 minutes into the movie.

• During a foot chase of the cigarette chauffer they run past a marquee showing The Burning and I really wish I would’ve saved that one for this year. Oh well.
• Now for some reason we’re at a fashion show being held in a hotel room. This is why I like watching this stuff on YouTube if possible so I can increase the playback speed.
• I guess the building isn’t all hookers, but a lot of hookers welcomed in and out of it. Just like my home office.
• So far not one person has been too scared to scream.
• All the deaths in this picture happen offscreen, which is fine for Jaws but not a slasher movie. I blame Mayor Vaughn’s influence.
• Has there been a movie where the lead investigator of the murders turns out to be the murderer? I’m sure there are many examples but I can’t think of one. But anyway, that would be kind of interesting. Maybe. Oh well.
• Just wanted to point out that Ian McShane’s mother is now doing a Mrs. Deagle from Gremlins cosplay.
• I guess because his mother can’t speak, she’s the one who is too scared to scream?
• There are so many fur coats in this. When’s the last time you saw a fur coat anywhere? Trick question, I’m wearing several fur coats as we speak.

• I think they’re making it way too obviously that McShane is the killer so he can’t be. I’d better dollars to crullers that the catatonic mother is a fugazi and she’s doing all this. Or it’s a random cat.
• If you’re going to bust someone who’s murdered multiple people you’re probably going to send more than two cops.
• Oh, not the mama. It was the other concierge guy who had 45 seconds of screentime previously. I like that they reveal who he is and for a second you’re look, “Who the fuck is this guy??” Turns out he’s McShane’s crazy ex-lover. He gives a long-winded exposition dump to Anne Archer then the other cop shoots him. Still unclear why he killed people like the horny old crone. I was really hoping the killer would be that cleaning woman from earlier.

Final Thoughts: Kind of interesting but one of the worst payoffs in cinematic history. If you’re going to have a twist killer reveal, the audience needs to give at least one nanoshit about the twistee. It kind of seems like they had no idea how to wrap this thing up and said, “Fuck it. That other concierge can be the killer and also McShane’s boyfriend or something since he’s the only other character in this movie even though he’s only in two scenes.” Also of note, the mask on the poster is nowhere to be found in the movie, and the title makes no sense at all. AT ALL!

Score: 5 Wastes of Murray Hamilton’s Acting Talent (out of 10)