Kingdom of the Spiders (1977)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Shatner vs. spiders. ‘Nuff said.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Before Arachnophobia, there was Rack fucking Hansen!
• The seventies really held the benchmark for the whole “nature gone crazy” genre.
• Ok, I have to go download this soundtrack.
• I think “Peaceful Valley Verde” is already an oxymoron.
• The only movie that will have a POV shot of a spider killing a calf is this one.
• Now that is how you introduce Shatner in a movie, roping down a rogue steer.
• Rack Hansen. Veterinarian. Cowboy. Bon Vivant. Lady killer and roper.
• Naturally when Rack was paged by his service, I expected/wanted him to respond, “Kirk- Enterprise.”
• We better get the whole backstory on Rack and his absent brother pretty soon.
  
  

  Even Star Trek fans love it when Shatner gets all bitchy.

• Shatner even hangs up a phone like Shatner – if that makes any sense.
• Walt worries that Rack will quarantine him after his calf dies. I dunno about you, but I don’t care if I ever hear the words quarantine and pandemic ever again. Huh? They’re doing a whole week named what? Oh fuck.
• Was Walt’s dog running away from or towards the spiders? The spiders who are still unseen in that Spielbergian never show them until it counts way.
• Never trust a mechanic in overalls. no socks, and dress shoes.
  
  
• That fucking crop duster came in way too low, that’s how we lost Randy Rhodes for Pete’s sake.
• Is hocking a big RedMan loogey on a spider considered animal cruelty?
• This tarantula hits his marks better than most of the human cast.
  
  

  He forgot to aim the phaser away from his face.

• The ‘ole mistaken for working at the gas station routine. If I’ve seen it once…
• I take it Diane Ashley is gonna be Rack’s love interest.
• Shatner just had to throw in a “Dammit man” in his phone conversation with Walt.
• A small town mayor, slightly resembling Murray Hamilton shows up slightly perturbed that a quarantine might close the beaches county fair.
• This is a fairground town, we need fairground dollars.
• The sexual tension between Rack & Diane (two kids fighting arachnids in the heartland) is palpable. If she had green skin, Kirk would have schtooped her by now.
  
• It’s been a few hours since I wrote that last joke, and in that time the stupid bitch in the apartment below me started a fire. No, I am not kidding, and luckily all is well. This is the most exciting Schlocktoberfest ever. Before I return you to our regularly scheduled program, lemme get the inevitable video jokes out of the way…
  

• OK, we’re back and we’re live – Mr. Johnson tries to pick up Diane right in front of his wife – how I miss the swingin’ 70’s.
• Jesus, the costume designer must have been asleep during this scene – Diane has got some serious yellow pit stains. I know this is Arizona but still.
• The camera is panning down to the ground again, uh oh – spiders.
• Some of these scenes are also reminiscent of the 1974 magnum opus “The Giant Spider Invasion” which MST3K already destroyed thoroughly. Just throwing it out there.
• No wonder they hired Tiffany Bolling to portray Diane, she picks up a tarantula wearing nothing but a towel without breaking a sweat.
• I still hate seeing dead dogs.
• Dirty Kilngon spider bastards murdered my dog.
• There are some damn good stunt bulls/cows in this flick.
• The tarantulas even did fire stunts. Well done.
  
  

  Woulda coulda shoulda.

• I can see why Rack hit on his sister-in-law, she’s the hottie from the opening scene.
• That was a tense Walt-death-scene set piece.
• Colby’s wreck is discovered and he’s covered in spider silk! Evacuate the town already.
• The telephone operator woman is a clear rip-off of the Lily Tomlin character.
• I think I’m gonna answer my phone for now on by saying, “Rack here.”
• This crop duster is headed for a spectacular death.
• A fucking tarantula chased the plane down the runway. Too cool.
• Anyone remember “Barnstorming” on the 2600? This scene made me think of it.
  

• Aside from the pilot’s high pitched screaming, that was one helluva stunt.
• Holy shit, Walt’s wife blew off three of her own fingers to try to get rid of spiders crawling on her. That’s dedication.
• All bad acting aside – when the shit hits the fan, no matter how low budget a movie you’re in – you call Capt. James T. Kirk.
• Watching Rack hopscotch through an army of real/rubber tarantulas has almost made me forget an idiot almost burned my building down. But not quite.
• It’s obvious that no one gave a shit about these tarantulas – they’re being squashed willy-nilly.
• Christ, Arachnophobia really did rip this movie off a bit.
• By my count, Rack has been bitten three times and has just shouted as a result.
• If only the democratic party got as angry as these spiders…
• How did production find this many extras completely unafraid of tarantulas crawling all over them?
• Well, there goes the mayor and the sheriff. Fucking hell!
• Shatner’s wig really held up well until the first Star Trek movie two years after this.
• It’s 1977, but the phone in the lodge is from 1925.
• Spiders ate the fuse box. A lost title for a Misfits album if there ever was one.
• OK, having to watch a rat being covered in spiders is almost too much. And I’ve had a fire in my fucking building watching this movie. Not like I’m dwelling on it or anything.
• This basement scene needs Jeff Daniels and John Goodman.
• You just know there had to be one big scene with Rack covered in spiders. Especially one biting his face.
• I remember 1977 very clearly, the tech displayed in this movie wasn’t that bad.
• Yes, of course the whole town is covered in spider silk. What did you expect, a happy ending? I’m done with Schlock 10 now (maybe permanently? What’s the word on the streets?), take me out Buffett…
  
  
  

Was it Entertaining: 

Any Good Gore: Some spider squashing and a bite on Shatner’s face, but pretty tame.

Any Nudity: Some very slight side boob from Diane when she gets out of the shower.

Best Quote: “Calf’s dead Walt.”  “Ain’t that a crock.”

Best Scene: When everyone watches the crop duster crash right into the fucking garage. Even the principal actors looked like they were in the scene without doubles.Good old fashioned B-movie making.

Worst Scene: Watching animals die, even in a silly B-movie.

Final Thoughts: I’ve had a rotten fucking evening, and it’s now 4AM. This is a movie I have very fond memories of, in the old days we used to hope it would re-run on the USA network or TNT – so we could watch it all together and make fun of it. Kinda like now.

Except without all of the firetrucks.

Score: 9 out of How Ever Many Shatner Jokes That Can Be Made (out of ten)