Home Video Alert: How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World; What Men Want

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How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (2019)

HTTYDTHWNew on home video this week is How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World which is about a boy named Hiccup who trains dragons to steal rubies from the local ruby merchants which makes him the richest man in the world and he buys infomercials on TV bragging about his trained army of ruby stealing dragons but the police are powerless to stop him because he both owns the police with his ruby money and also burns most of the police alive with his trained dragons so everyone’s like “Well maybe we can train our own dragons to fight his dragons” but they quickly realize that he’s not only the richest ruby man in the world but also the greatest dragon trainer and he already trained all the good dragons and all the leftover dragons are total bullshit and are easily defeated so then the people are like “Well god damn you know what forget the ruby industry” so people stop bothering with rubies altogether so they pretty much become worthless and Hiccup is super mad that he’s not rich anymore but piss on it he’s still got the dragons so he flies them around everywhere burning every city to the ground and eventually he burns the whole world and the dragons are all “Hey man now what ‘cause you’re not rich anymore and there’s nothing left to burn so we don’t really need you” and he’s like “Oh no this world may be ashes now but there’s a hidden world there and they still know the value of a good ruby and those who don’t we can burn alive” and the dragons like the sound of that so he tells them where the entrance to the hidden world is but says he’ll catch up with them later he has to lock up his house and the dragons are to dumb to see he’s lying so they fly to the coordinates he gave them but it’s the bottom of the middle of the ocean and they all drown and Hiccup laughs his ass off and builds a house made of rubies but the craftsmanship sucks because he’s a dragon trainer and ruby hustler not a carpenter and there’s no one left alive to help him so it collapses on him so hard his brain shoots out his ass and that’s the end of that world.

Own it today!


What Men Want (2019)

 

whatmenwantNew on home video this week is What Men Want which is the story of a woman who mystically gains the power to hear what men are thinking and she decides to use this power to her advantage to get ahead in life but she’s pretty disappointed when all she ever hears is “Titties” and “Steak sandwich” and that’s not helpful at all so she just brings her boss a Hustler and a cheesesteak and he’s like “Cool thanks” and gives her more work but no raise or anything and that’s not very cool so she starts her own website which is just pictures of titties and steak sandwiches that she steals from other sites without crediting them and it’s a huge hit and makes a ton of money from it but probably less money than she would’ve made if she was a man so it’s still a bit of a downer.

Own it today!

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