The Demons of Ludlow (1983)

The whole movie:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: The ghosts/demons/whatever of pissed-off Pilgrims fly out of a possessed piano and let their descendants know who’s boss.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Seven seconds in and the music sounds like the theme to “The Fog” raped “Tubular Bells,” and we are left to deal with the shrieking bastard it created.
• A hot girl in a nightie is smash-cut to a banjo hoedown. Oh shit.
• Alright, its Ludlow’s bicentennial! This is gonna be a “Fog” rip-off isn’t it?
• Cybil, (the hottie in the nightie) is being chastised by her husband who is the town priest. Only reason I mention this is because he looks like a cross between Jeff Lynne and a full-sized Tyrion Lannister.
• The priest tells Cybil not to drink and not to smoke. Well then, what do you do? Subtle innuendos follow and there must be something inside.
• What is with town leaders and truly awful suit jackets? Murray Hamilton can you please shed some light on this?
• This town meeting has the worst collection of extras I have ever seen.
• The town meeting also keeps cutting to a guy who likes like a severely constipated Spanky McFarland.
• A piano has been sent to the town as a gift for its bicentennial, and these rubes are staring at it like they’re the Magi at the manger.
• What in the Hell is going on in this movie? It’s all over the place.
• When the piano is finally played it has the sound of two synthesizers, a harpsichord, and a Hammond organ. Those Casios sure can wail.
• The young couple who sneak out of the town meeting to go have sex are killed by a glowing green hand and someone with a colonial-era pistol. If I had to guess as to the identity of the perps – I’d go with Lou Ferrigno and Aaron Burr.
• This piano seems that its going to be the impetus of whatever shit is going to go down, either that or its Death Bed’s cousin.
• The sound designers obviously had an echo machine lying around because all of the V.O. in this movie has it.
• OK, even when the reporter is interviewing people they have echo on their voices. Is this whole movie a dream or a flashback?
• Is saying “bullshit” to a priest as bad as eating meat on Friday?
  

  Around 8 or 9 Thanksgivings with my family have ended this way.

• Every building this reporter goes into has the sounds of children laughing and a voice whispering her name. If she hasn’t figured out that some crazy shit is going on by now, she’s not gonna.
• Semi-catatonic Emily and her mother share a warm and loving dinner scene together, in which she plays with her food and tries to stab her mother in the arm. I can empathize. I wanna stab everyone in this movie.
• These ghosts suck. One of them had the Priest dead bang and completely missed hitting him with a fireplace poker. I’ve taken down four in my lifetime – two of which done left-handed and one blindfolded.
• Boy howdy did Ann play the ever loving shit out of that piano! Look at it it’s bleeding!
• Has a girl like Emily, who disciplines her dolls by cutting their hair off, ever not been a problem?
• Emily’s doll Abigail has now started to cry. Not because a tortured spirit possesses her, or that she had scissors stuck in her face; she doesn’t want to watch the rest of this movie either.
• Emily gives us the only nude scene in the movie and is then immediately torn apart and eaten by cannibalistic colonials. Isn’t that always the way Sam?
• Still 50 minutes of this celluloid vomit left.
  

  Yeah, I know Grandpa. Happened during the Boston Massacre, got it. I’ll go get the fucking TV remote.

• It seems town leader Sam also has to lead what is the most insulting wake I have ever seen.
• Turns out non-shitting Spanky is the town Doctor.
• These two reporters have the same on screen charisma as Hepburn and Tracy do. Now.
• So what we have here are the ghosts of the ancestors of the town exacting revenge on their descendants. Yup, it’s the fucking “Fog.”
• This movie could have easily been trimmed down to 22 minutes and been a Scooby-Doo episode.
• How many doors is this priest going to walk through?
• These entities can’t manage a doorknob? Why don’t they just phase through the door? Christ, even Swayze got a crash course on doing that from the ghost in the subway.
• Hal Holbrook played a conflicted priest so much better than this douche nozzle.
• A useless shot of a floating glass of wine goes nowhere. Even the ghosts are assholes.
• Whoever edited this movie I can only hope died from cancer of the eyes.
• No one who worked on this movie knew what a flashback was or how to implement them.
• Cybil just got blown away with a shotgun blast to the chest. The triggerman? Paul Revere. He even rode his horse into the bedroom. I can’t folks, I can’t.
• Next to going through doors, the priest sure as Hell walked around in the snow a lot.
• The murders of the towns people are mirroring the murders of their ancestors – so that explains the bad flashbacks, but not why this movie was made.
• I’m very happy that Sam got his head cut off.
• Of course the Ludlow ghost wants his severed hands back. 200 years without being able to jerk off would make any spirit malevolent.
• The Ludlow ghost is now trying to Videodrome out of the piano. Can we end this picture now please?
• Thank you. Cut off the priest’s hands, give ‘em to ‘ole Ludlow and we’re outta here! Goodnight ladies and gentleman.
  

  Package design for The Demons of Ludlow was made possible by a grant from Mrs. Baker’s 2nd grade art class.

Scare Level: This can barely be called a movie let alone something scary. Upon realizing that someone once said “The Demons of Ludlow has a green light!” might turn you fetal with terror.

Gore Level: Some dismemberment, a shotgun blast to the torso, and a beheading.

Nudity Level: A real quick shot of Emily’s surprisingly attractive breasts.

Best Line: “The End.”

Best Scene: When the ghost of Emily visits her Mom in bed – stones her and then hangs her with the help of the green hand from the beginning of the movie.

Worst Scene: Too many to list.

Level of Hell: When you reach the scene where 2 of these so called demons (to me they look like Ren-Fair assholes) are in the town hall having a sword fight, you realize you are truly witnessing a cinematic gem. I think this movie is included in the welcome packet you receive when you arrive at the gates of Hades.

Overall: The reason I chose this movie is due to what can possibly be categorized as one of the most arcane inside jokes ever. All I’ll say is that it has to do with The Star Wars Holiday Special and Bea Arthur. I should just leave this horrible movie with that skull-shattering combination. And I will.

Score: 1 More Wisnconsin-Made Horror Movie Too Many (out of 10)