The Jungle Book (2016)

New on home video today is The Jungle Book which is about a mysterious book that when opened a bunch of jungle shit happens like monkeys and panthers jumping out of the pages and waterfalls and palms trees appear in the room and shit and I know it sounds a lot like Jumanji but bear with me because it’s totally not like the same thing because eventually the book sucks a brother and sister into it and they suddenly find themselves in a jungle and there’s a crazy jungle man there who has been trapped there for decades so he captures the siblings and they plead to his humanity and to help them get back home but little do they know that he’s just too far gone so he slaughters and eats the boy and keeps cackling “YOU’RE NEXT” at the girl night and day and this also goes on for decades until the madman dies of old age and he magically turns into a book the very same jungle book who is now freed from the madman’s grasp and the palm frond cage the girl was trapped in magically vanishes and she picks up the book and is magically transported but she’s only magically transported like 50 feet away so it doesn’t really do her much good and the book can talk and stuff and it says “Sorry about that I’m not as young as I used to be and neither are you because you’re now 51 and I can restore your lost youth maybe if you return me to the library in Toronto where that madman stole me from all those years ago” so the old girl walks all the way from wherever the jungle is located it’s not clear to Toronto where she doesn’t fit in at all and everyone makes fun of her dirty old jungle clothes to the point where she decides that this shit isn’t worth it and throws the book in the garbage even though the book screams at her and then the garbage truck picks it up and it’s taken to a Canadian landfill and a Canadian goose finds it and the book asks the goose to please take it to the library but the goose doesn’t understand plus Canadian geese are the world’s biggest assholes so it just hisses at the book and this goes on for decades until the book finally disintegrates and the goose dies happy knowing its job is done.

Own it today!