The Night Evelyn Came Out Of The Grave (1971)
What’s It About: Some sort of diabolical plot to get an inheritance involving red headed hookers, foxes, poison champagne, and nitric acid fertilizer. I don’t know I wasn’t really paying attention.
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- Outside of the movies, has anyone ever repelled themselves down a tall building using bed sheets tied together?
- Alan staggering around the asylum’s grounds looks like he’s imitating Rev. Jim Ignatowsky from “Taxi.”
- I find it weird to hear a red headed Italian say that her family’s from Ireland.
- Why do hookers never immediately head for the hills when their johns have scary looking houses?
- If the hooker you have chosen for the night uses the word “flabbergasted” at least once during the evening, tip her handsomely.
- How much does it cost to have your entire living room done in renaissance frescoes?
- Alan’s Aunt Agatha is clearly 10-15 years his junior.
- The medium holding the séance has an afro that rivals Pam Grier’s in “Coffy.”
- Evelyn is one hot-ass ghost.
- To-Do-List entry #117: go to a strip club where the dancer comes out of a coffin.
- Another red headed prostitute, another trip to the medieval torture chamber. I don’t know much, but I’m sensing a pattern here Alan.
- This is not a good movie.
- Evelyn’s brother constantly acts like he’s out for revenge, but all he does is watch Alan commit savage acts of silly goose-ery.
- When you’re a newlywed in Europe apparently the tradition is to tie every piece of metal junk you can find to your bumper.
- Having five blonde maids who are almost all identical sounds hot in theory, but not in this creep show.
- Despite her name, Aunt Agatha is quite attractive.
- Evelyn’s brother is murdered with a snake. The killer doesn’t put it his bed, or in his shower, no the killer wields the snake like it’s a gun. He sneaks up on him and has it bite his neck. Now if you can’t see that coming at you – you deserve the venom.
- Say what you want about Gladys, but she sure as Hell goes out in a blaze of glory.
- Not only an awful ending, but the worst goddamn freeze frame to roll the end credits on in the history of celluloid.
Is It Actually Scary: There is absolutely no tension anywhere to be found in this movie – so no. However if for some reason you manage to figure out the conspiracy against Alan before the ending, you might scare me.
Scariest Moment: Hmm. Putting this dvd into the player’s tray I think.
Most Disturbing Moment: When George tries to rock the one large hoop earring look and fails entirely.
Dumbest Moment: When Aunt Agatha gets her pretty little head caved in by a very obvious rubber rock. Her face after the first blow would also rank as funniest moment.
How Much Gore: Fair amount of blood, and then in what only can be interpreted as some producer demanding to gross it up a bit, Agatha’s body is devoured by foxes so we get to see them feast on her guts.
Best Line: “Champagne with strychnine? I never cared for it.” Me neither George, so how’s about you whip me up a Maker’s Mark old fashioned toot sweet.
Best Scene: George standing over Gladys and Susan as one dies from poisoning and the other from stab wounds. I would have added the noxious phrase “like a boss” but didn’t. Sorta.
Worst Scene: After George gets Louganis’d into the swimming pool that is now all acid thanks to the fertilizer, he is dragged out screaming “I’m burning!” Yet he doesn’t have a mark on him. His skin even isn’t red for fuck’s sake. This movie really does stink.
Any Nudity: Very much so.
Overall: This movie has been edited so heavily, and released in so many forms that it has been known to be impossible to follow. Well, I have the original uncut and uncensored version and it doesn’t make a lick of difference. It’s one of those movies that make you scream questions out loud to no one in particular.
Score: 2 undead-redheads (out of 10)