The Martian (2015)

New on home video today is The Martian which tells the story of a man who wakes up one morning and finds that when he urinates nothing but orange dust comes out so naturally he freaks and hopes it will go away on its own but it doesn’t it only gets worse so he goes to the doctor even though it’s pretty embarrassing and the doctor is like “Can you believe this motherfucking shit I’ve never seen anything like this in my god damn life” and the guy freaks even more and the dust keeps coming heavier than ever and by the end of the day it’s coming out even when he’s not peeing and obviously he doesn’t sleep he just lays in his hospital bed but by sunrise there are actual rocks coming out and it hurts like hell but no one knows what to do about it and then they see a news report that Marstronauts have noticed a sinkhole in the middle of their Mars camp and the doctor is like “Holy shit I bet that’s a wormhole connected to your wiener” and it totally is even though that was a major leap of logic by the doctor but yeah this guy has been pissing Mars dust and rocks and then he goes to NASA to ask them how to stop it and they’re like “Fuck if we know” and he gets pissed and starts trashing the place and one of the NASA scientists is like “Hey we could send you up there and you could stick your wiener in that hole and maybe that will fix it” and the guy is like “Are you sure” and they’re like “Fuck if we know” but hey it’s better than nothing so they blast him off to Mars but forget to put the top on the rocket because he smashed their equipment so most of him burns up in the launch but 2 years later the capsule reaches Mars and his body falls out and his burned up wiener lands perfectly in the sinkhole and plugs it up and everyone on Earth cheers mightily but no one knows if it even worked or not since he’s long dead but they just like cheering for things.

Own it today!