Near Dark (1987)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Dumb hick Caleb gets turned into vampire, but prefers his old dumb hick life to the alluring vampire life of being an immortal hobo.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• “Can I have a bite?” “Bite?” “I’m just dying for a cone.” “Dying?” WE GET IT.
• Horses hate vampires? Did they have some kind of ancient war or something?
• You’d think a vampire would wear a watch at all times to let them know that daylight is close at hand.
• Caleb is essentially a rapist. Is he the protagonist of the film? He’s a fucking creep.
• How much sunlight is enough sunlight to kill a vampire? This chick is running around at daybreak and she’s ok. This also applies to the beginning of Gremlins 2.

  

  This one picture of Gizmo running between garbage cans is more interesting than anything that happens in Near Dark.
• That chick just bit Caleb 10 minutes ago and he’s already a vampire? That’s all it takes?
• Why did the boy grab Caleb’s balls?
• I don’t recall ever seeing this movie but I have some weird memory of hating this vampire kid. Maybe I hate him in something else and just recognize his weird droopy face.
• Cool easter egg: Aliens is on a marquee and this has half the Aliens cast in it. And of course Kathryne Hardwicke was balling James Cameron at the time. If only Paul Reiser played Caleb.
• This is as boring as a jar of turtle shit and the script should have gotten someone deported.
• “We can do anything we want, for eternity.” They don’t really seem to do anything but basically be homeless.
• You ever have Monday morning meetings at work? They’re more interesting and exciting than Near Dark.
• Just suck some blood already you pussy.
• Even Tim Thomerson can’t save this movie.

  

  Tim Thomerson should have played a vampire who always wipes the blood off his mouth with a live cat.
• This movie is 2/3s over and nothing has really happened.
• I know this is a movie about mythical creatures but Caleb’s dad and sister being at the exact same motel as Caleb is just completely ludicrous.
• Good thing the bed of Caleb’s dad’s truck is essentially a coffin so Caleb can hide inside and not get burned.
• Wait, what is this blood transfusion shit all of a sudden?
• Sooo vampirism is very easily cured?
• Caleb and his dad seem to have forgotten about the undead killers who know where they live.
• Caleb got blasted in the gut with a shotgun before and he was ok but the kid gets bonked in the head with a flashlight by a little girl and is out of commission.
• So the vampires basically commit suicide at the end. That is not the answer.
• And the vampire chick gets her own transfusion and there you go. Happily ever after. Horrible.

  

  At least this happens.

Is It Actually Scary: It’s about as scary as an actual road trip with Bill Paxton. Actually, probably significantly less scary than that.

How Much Gore: The usual vampire bites, throat slashing, charred flesh, Tim Thomerson.

Best Scene: Definitely the scene with the most action in the whole picture, and Bill Paxton’s makeup is pretty great.

Worst Scene: Anything involving the vampire kid. He is just the worst.

Any Nudity: Zero. Not even Bill Paxton’s scrotum.

Overall: Near Dark will nearly put you to sleep, whether it’s dark outside or broad daylight (which is also the name of my favorite porn actress). Released around the same time as The Lost Boys, this movie doesn’t even come remotely close to being as fun or interesting. Hell, it’s not even as good as John Carpenter’s Vampires. It’s as dull as bloody dishwater, with Bill Paxton’s psycho the only character who comes close to being likable, and just because Bill Paxton is in full nutty Bill Paxton overdrive. While it’s cool to see three actors from Aliens team up again here, but only movie buffs will care, and that novelty wears off quickly. There are a couple of ok scenes here and there but mostly it’s just a bore. And the fact that vampirism can be completely cured by a blood transfusion is just so cheap and dumb. Unless you’re in a Jenette Goldstein fan club, don’t bother with this. It sucks. Just check out this recent Blu-ray cover, which tries desperately to make the movie look like Twilight because it’s not a good enough movie on its own:

Score: 4 vampirism-reversing blood transfusions (out of 10)