Santa’s Slay (2005)

Starring: Bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith, Emilie de Ravin, Robert Culp, Saul Rubinek, James Caan, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, Rebecca Gayheart

Synopsis: Long ago, Santa was a virginal birth from Satan making him the true antichrist who goes on a killing spree every Christmas day. One day he makes a wager with an angel over a curling match that if he loses, he stops killing for a 1000 years and instead gives presents and good cheer to the world’s children. Well he did lose that fateful curling match but now his jolly time is over and is free to slay again.

Goldberg plays this killing machine Santa with aplomb like only a professional wrestler could. Unlike other killer Santa movies who usually use just axes or knives, etc., Goldberg’s Santa cracks skulls and throws people through walls! He also has a demonic reindeer who looks more like a bull, trampling over people. Santa goes on a killing spree in the town called Hell Township killing every local he sees. Until a crafty old kook (Culp) and his grandson plan a counterattack to stop Santa before Christmas is over.

What “Works”: What a really fun flick! It was nice and short, not wasting too much time on exposition (why was Santa attacking this particular town? Its unclear until the final 30 minutes or so) and instead focusing on the good stuff like Santa going berserk on some unlucky people. Goldberg is hysterical as Santa, who looks like he’s having a ball killing hapless people in fun and inventive ways and spouting out corny one-liners and puns that would make Ahnuld blush. Just watch the opening scene where Goldberg attacks a superficial and snob family with Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, Rebecca Gayheart and James Caan and you’ll be instantly hooked. Its easily the best scene in the film.

Then a little later on Santa attacks patrons in a local strip club to find a corrupt priest (played by Dave Thomas) who has taken the church money donations to use to tip the strippers. There’s enough T&A in the scene to choke a reindeer and some of the best kills in the film by Santa.

Also a great nod to classic Christmas specials and movies, the scene explaining the story behind Santa’s evil origins and the curling match he lost is all done in a Rankin/Bass-style claymation flashback. A great example of how perfectly toned and sophomoric this movie is and how much fun it can be to watch.

Overall: It’s very fortunate that the credits started AFTER the best opening scene of a Christmas-themed black comedy/horror movie ever because Brett Ratner was involved (don’t worry, he’s just a producer). This holly-jolly silly holiday gem was one of the funnest movies I’ve seen in a long while. It is perfectly toned and schlocky and has more cheese than my mom’s Christmas lasagna. It can easily be watched every Christmastime. I highly recommend it to fans of tongue-in-cheek action/horror films.

Score: 8 Demonic Reindeers (out of 10)