AFTER BEING TIED UP FOR YEARS AND RESULTING IN SEAN CONNERY’S HAIRPIECE IN NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN, MGM HAS FINALLY GOTTEN BACK THE RIGHTS TO THUNDERBALLS, THE CHARACTER BLOWFELD AND S.P.E.C.T.R.E, WHICH STANDS FOR SPECIAL PROJECT TO ELIMINATE CRIMINALS THROUGH R.O.T.O.R.’S EXCELLENCE.

JAVIER BARDEM MAY PLAY THE BAD GUY IN THE PETER PAN REBOOT, WHO WILL BE THE NOTORIOUS PIRATE… BLACKBEARD, NOT CAPTAIN HOOK. R.O.T.O.R. IS TIRED OF THE WORLD NOT MAKING SENSE.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, A MYSTERIOUS POSTER HAS TURNED UP PROCLAIMING THAT MILA KUNIS AND ASHTON KUTCHER WILL PLAY THE WONDER TWINS IN A MOVIE COMING OUT NEXT YEAR. USING SENSOR RECALL, R.O.T.O.R. DECLARES HORSESTUFF.

AND SPEAKING OF HORSESTUFF, HERE IS A TRAILER FOR HEAVEN IS FOR REAL, BASED ON A STORY A KID MADE UP AFTER BEING PRODDED ON BY HIS CHRISTIAN PASTOR FATHER, AND FOR SOME REASON SOME OF YOU HUMANS JUST TOOK THEIR WORD FOR IT, WHICH IS WHY IT WILL BE SO INCREDIBLY EASY FOR THE ROBOTS TO TAKE OVER SOON.

FORTUNATELY, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE HEARTS, HERE IS A HEARTWARMING STORY ABOUT A KID WHO IS NOT LYING ABOUT HEAVEN TO MAKE MONEY, BUT GOT TO BE BATKID FOR A DAY. HE SHOULD HAVE THROWN THAT OTHER KID AND HIS PARENTS IN ARKHAM ASYLUM.