The Hebrew Hammer (2003)

Trailer

What’s It About: We can’t forget our Chosen friends on the first night of Hanukkah, so we present The Hebrew Hammer! For every 1,000 Christmas movies that are made, one Hanukkah movie is not made. This is the extraordinarily rare picture that combines Hanukkah and Christmas and Kwanzaa (can’t forget our Kwanzaa friends either!) and guns into a fine stew fit for eating during whatever holiday feast you enjoy.

The movie begins in Hanukkah Past, at St. Peter, Paul and Mary Elementary School where our hero, Mordechai Jefferson Carver, is taunted by his Gentile schoolmates with pennies and bagels and threats of hell. Poor Mordechai has to just watch everyone have a great time with Christmas gifts and decorations while he stares at his plain dreidel by himself. His teacher explains to the class that even though Mordechai’s people control all the world’s money but they only buy their children spinning tops as presents, they still deserve respect. As Mordechai walks the streets home after school, he takes time to spin his dreidel on the sidewalk, but a Santa comes along and stomps on it. Ohhhhhh no you don’t.

We then leap to the future, and young Mordechai is now The Hebrew Hammer, a leather-trechcoat clad “Certified Circumcised Dick.” Hammer is beloved in the community and helps out his fellow Jews in need, while using his detective skills to pay the bills and make his mother unhappy.

Next we’re at the North Pole, where Santa is holding a meeting with his elves about how he has tried to make the holiday season a celebration for all faiths, but his son, Damian, has tried to destroy Hanukkah. Damian doesn’t want to hear it, and has Santa murdered by his own reindeer, making him the new Santa, which is not good for Hanukkah.

The Jewish Justice League needs the Hebrew Hammer to stop Damian from destroying Hanukkah, under the objections of JJL Chief Bloomenbergensteinenthal, but his daughter, Esther, thinks she can convince the Hammer to do the job. Esther goes to Sabbath dinner at Hammer’s mother’s house, and his mother complains to Hammer that her friends’ sons are all successful and that she has nothing to be proud of, so he decides to save Hanukkah just to spite her.

After a meeting with the JJL, Hammer starts the case by trying to gather some information from the Kwanzaa Liberation Front, which is basically the Black Panthers but dedicated to lifting Hanukkah out from under the oppression of the White Man. Hammer talks to the KLF leader, Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim, who introduces him to Jamal, a black elf who knows all about Damian’s business, and is none too pleased that Damian’s racist ass fired him. Jamal gives Hammer a lead on what Damian is doing, but something seems shady about Jamal’s elfy face.

The bar Hammer goes to off of advice from Jamal just so happens to be a Skinhead Nazi dive. Fortunately they have an old dusty bottle of Black Label Manischewitz, which the bartender says he’ll serve him because he had the balls to walk in… before they lynch him. But this is The Hebrew Hammer they’re messing with, so with a “SHABBAT SHALOM, MUTHAF***AS!” the Hammer takes care of business.

We of course learn that Damian paid Jamal to take care of the Hammer so he could become an official elf for Damian, but Damian doesn’t want to hire any black elves. The other elves threaten a strike because of the workshop conditions under Damian’s rule as Santa, but he replaces them with Taiwanese children. He also reveals his master plan to have his main henchman, Tiny Tim, distribute bootleg copies of It’s a Wonderful Life to as many Jewish children as possible to brainwash them into preferring Christmas over Hanukkah. Unfortunately, there are only three movies ever made with a Jewish protagonist shown in a positive light, so the JJL doesn’t have much counter-programming.

Hammer and Esther go undercover as Gentiles to infiltrate an appearance by Santa Damian at a Kmart. Unfortunately, Damian has turned all the children in the store against Jews, so they chase Hammer and Esther out of the store. They run to the basement of Kmart, where fortunately for them Harriet Tubbleman helps them escape via the Underground Jewish Railroad. Hammer and Esther end up back at his place, where he talks dirty to her by teller her how he wants to have several kids with her who go to private school and that they’ll live in a house on Long Island that’s fancy but not fancy schmancy.

The next day Damian sends a transmission to the JJL revealing his scheme to steal the liquid Judaim from the Jewish Atomic Clock in Israel, destroying the Jewish Calendar and eradicating Hanukkah.

Hammer and Esther travel to Israel to stop Damian. During a ferocious gun battle with Damian’s elves, the sun goes down. It being the Sabbath, the day of rest, Hammer and Esther fall asleep, and are captured. Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim shows up with the KLF and saves Hammer, but not before Esther is kidnapped to the North Pole by Damian.

With the help of Mohammed, Hammer infiltrates Damian’s North Pole compound. Hammer sets off the stereotype alarm in the building when he tries to pick up some pennies Mohammed drops. Hammer confronts Damian, but Damian gets the non-penny drop on him, leaving Hammer with his weapon of last-resort, the most dangerous, deadly weapon in the Jewish arsenal: Jewish guilt. He complains about the lack of snacks, how hard the floor is, etc., and Damian surrenders.

With Esther safe, Hammer tells Damian that Damian’s big mistake was never understanding the true meaning of Hanukkah. When Damian asks what the true meaning of Hanukkah is, Hammer explains that it has something to do with the dreidels, and latkes, and some kind of miracle oil that lasts for eight days.

Back home, Hammer and Esther are engaged, although his mother is still not impressed with him saving Hanukkah, and Jamal has been elected the new Santa.

Is It Actually Jolly?: This movie is more about Jewish puns than spreading actual holiday cheer, but it’s fun enough to make you feel jolly.

Jolliest Part: When an M.C. Hammer lookalike says to Hammer, “Please, Hammer, don’t hurt ‘em.”

Dumbest Moment: There’s clearly a scene missing where Mohammed beats up Tiny Tim in Israel, making their later confrontation a little confusing.

Overall: A really corny movie, but it knows that it’s corny. If you understand the basics on the Jewish references then there’s no reason you shouldn’t enjoy it. This has probably been my most straightforward review because I couldn’t really find anything to pick apart and make fun of. It’s funny, short enough and has a good cast, like Andy Dick as Damian and Mario Van Peebles as Mohommed. Adam Goldberg is great, and I’ve always thought he was totally underrated. Which is weird, since Jews control Hollywood, you’d think he’d get more roles.

While this may not be a Hanukkah classic, it should be enjoyed by Jew and Gentile alike who like a few laughs.

Score: 8 (out of 10)