Schlocktoberfest XV – Day 27: House Of The Long Shadows

House Of The Long Shadows (1983)

Country of Origin/Production: United Kingdom

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: One night, Lucy and Desi decided to push their beds together. The result of which grew up to have the audacity to pretend to act in the same film alongside the Mount Rushmore of horror legends.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

Lee, Cushing, Price and Carradine. You’re bringing out the big guns for this one I see.
And then there’s Desi Arnaz Jr. thrown in to keep us all grounded.
The opening shot looks exactly like the last shot of “Cruising”
It must have been Arnaz’s amazing acting chops in this feature that landed the 2nd lead in Automan the same year.
This babaloo jerk off bets his publisher 20k that he can write a novel equal in quality to Wuthering Heights in 24 hours.
That was an odd choice, Wuthering Heights was kind of shitcanned when it was published in 1847.
Fucking Welsh.
Out of all the stormy sky stock footage that’s available to film makers, this editor used the one that has a plane flying across it.
Arnaz has no sense of of timing or vernacular. Everything he says sounds like he’s reading it off a cue card on SNL.
This is one scary and event-filled train station.
Holy shit does Arnaz Jr. suck.
Of course the evil manor is a right at the crossroads.
That truly inspired “wow” at seeing the manor for the first time really shows off baby babaloo’s acting prowess.
Enough with the Rocky Horror lightning sound effect.
Lightning’s silent anyways sound editor.
I guess we’re gonna inspect every inch of the fucking place with no dialogue or interesting happenings.
“Midnight Manor” what a smashing title dipshit.
This must be the longest stretch of quiet leading to a jump scare ever.
We waited almost 10 minutes in silence for Jr. to bump into John Carradine. Not quite the jump scare we were looking for.
Christ, it’s the same actress who played Mrs. B in The Comeback.
She’s a hausfrau in this one too – talk about typecasting.
She must’ve gotten all the roles that Charlotte Rae passed on.
Don’t take JC’s name in vain around Mrs. Quimby, she ain’t with it.
Look! It’s the old woman from scene 24.
All of the subterfuge to talk in private?
The actress who plays Mary has the last name of Peasgood, and I bet primary school was an absolute fucking nightmare for her.
This went from gothic horror to spy thriller all of a sudden.
Mr. Magee, this movie is making me angry.
Sweet fuck, is the rest of this movie just the two of them in the dark?
Everybody relax, Grand Moff Tarkin is on the bridge once again.
This isn’t Jaws, if there is something scary to be seen, show it!
HGTV doesn’t show the interiors of mansions this fucking much.
Peter Cushing was the fucking greatest. Said it before, shall say it again.
Why are they never showing what Mary was screams at?
The Clue VCR Game was far tighter in plot, character development, and action.
Why all the fear? It’s just the Abominable Dr. Phibes stopping by.
NEVER interrupt Vincent Price while he is soliloquizing.
This is a very popular abandoned house.
Vincent Price shows up at your house in the middle of the night, and all you have for him is light beer? The man is a gourmet! I have his cookbook – it’s awesome.
“This damn bunch of weirdos” Whoa, better pump the brakes on that kinda language Jr.
I hope Mr. Price got paid more than he got for his cameo on “Thriller” for that quick speech alone.
Haunted houses have completely lost the threatening power of having the phones out thanks to Apple and Samsung.
If you kiss a British girl in a haunted castle in the middle of the Welsh countryside, does it make any noise?
A Sunday roast with the giants of horror cinema? Yes fucking please! I sit next to Tarkin.
That was a scene heavy with the word “Grisbane.”
No need for a mirror or saying Candyman three times. If you say, “Who was the greatest Dracula ever?” Christopher Fucking Lee shows up at your house.
If it wasn’t for Lee’s arrival, all of the exposition would have never been brought to light.
This is a family reunion and Lee is here to destroy the house and then rebuild on the property. OK, so everything’s out in the open for whatever the fuck happens next.
I wonder if Victoria’s hot punch, that is of her own recipe BTW, is as good as she says it is. Her singing leaves a lot to be desired.
Seems Vic was gonna marry a handsome man named Ashley. I thought he was really in love with Melanie rather than Scarlett – but what do i know?
Wait a tic…
Turns out there’s a brother locked away in a room upstairs for the last 40 years after he raped a 14 year old girl, then killed her after he found out she was pregnant.
He sounds charming.
There wasn’t this much indecision about opening a door in The Lady Or The Tiger.
Roderick seems to have escaped said room, but he left it the way it was when he was in Junior High.
A ventriloquist dummy filled with maggots. Looks like a metaphor of some sort.
Tarkin is really putting away the booze.
Roderick cut open the pregnant girl’s belly to kill her. If this were a Rob Zombie movie we’d have seen the rape in flashback sepia tone at least eight times by now.
The rotting corpse hanging from the noose scared Carradine into a heart attack. It has begun.
The couple from the train station earlier in the film shows up for some reason. It becomes too obvious sometimes.
Everyone’s tires have been slashed and for even more dramatic effect, Lee says that Roderick did it with his bare hands.
That mysterious laugh sounded exactly like Sir Christopher’s.
Why is this cunt acting like such a cunt? This is an unpronounceable Welsh-named mansion, so mind your P’s & Q’s madame.
I said good day.
Vic’s death face looks like she’s been gooning on XHamster all night.
The Welsh believe that nothing stops your wife from screaming in your face faster than a simple punch to hers.
Well that’s a fine how do ya do. Diane’s basin water was really acid, so when she went to wash her face…
Diane’s death face looks like she studied at the School Of Sleepaway Camp’s Felissa Rose Dick Shot.
Some great makeup here as Diana melts and dies. What a world.
There’s that phantom laugh again!
“Keep drinking, it’ll make you feel better.” Thank you Mary, truer British words have never been spoken.
Fucking Andrew drank poisoned punch to deal with his melted wife, twenty minutes to go and the gas pedal is finally stepped upon.
It’s a little late in the plot for secret passages behind bookcases isn’t it?
I think there’s more to these fellas than meets the eye.
Even though Sebastian is paralyzed with fear, he perseveres. Evacuate? In our moment of triumph?
Victoria’s punch was empty calories and so was Sebastian’s new found bravery. ‘Ole Sebastian is in a noose and hung like the work of art that he is.
Duh duh duhhhnnnn! Turns out Mr. Corrigan is in fact Roderick who escaped decades ago, but dropped in from time to time to keep up imprisoned appearances. All the while plotting his revenge for 40 years. Sweet Missus of Butterworth!
It was Lionel that actually killed that 14 year old girl those years ago and framed Roderick for it.
Kind of a dick move right?
Roderick is pissed off deservedly so, and declares himself jury and executioner axing Lionel in the face.
Lionel’s death screams as he gets hacked into fish fingers are hilarious because it is clearly not Vincent Price foleying himself.
I think they used the guy who brought the tea trolley in every day.
Douche nozzle Arnaz Jr. is still farting around in the fucking secret passageways.
Tits on a bull this guy is.
There’s Vincent Price meat all over the axe blade. He would have loved that.
Roderick chokes Magee, goes to kill Mary, Magee trips Roderick who falls down the stairs with the axe ending up in his chest.
Someone really called an audible for the hurry-up squad.
Roderick dies, but all of a sudden the dead victims all come walking onto the room. Even Mary smiles and joins them.
The fuck?
The mysterious laughter was the publisher from the opening. The whole thing was a joke on Magee and they throw a party complimenting each other on a grand performance.
Magee takes it mostly in stride and learns something along the way. So all is well and done.
But wait, the solution isn’t complete just yet…
It wasn’t a joke on Magee. The whole fucking movie was the book he said he’d write. They Bobby Ewing’d us folks.
I think I’d enjoy this movie a lot more if I watched it backwards.
This altruistic, money isn’t everything, I’m tearing up the check that I won trope, is as sickening now as it was in the early eighties.
Turns out Mary is real and a secretary but with a different name.
As they explore their immediately found and declared love, they see Vincent Price is a waiter at the bar. A cute wink to end a cute movie.