Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum (2018)

Country of Origin: South Korea

 

 

 

 

 

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Haunt enthusiasts run afoul of enthusiastic hauntings.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• I never understood why ghosts would want to haunt an asylum. Why not haunt Disneyland instead?
• This is all found footage style. And the town they’re in is Gangnam, so it’s actually Gangnam style.
• So this is basically the exact same premise as Grave Encounters, which was not great, but hopefully this imporves upon that one in all ways possible.
• Oh hey the main ghost hunter guy is the cop from Squid Game, so that kind of removes you from the believability aspect of the found footage style. Unless he survives and goes on to star in Squid Game, then I’m back in!
• This section of the movie has a title card that says “D-Day,” which I find offensive, because unlike some I will never forget when South Korea bombed Pearl Harbor. Or was that Ireland?
• I don’t think a basic drone can keep up with a car? Or vice-versa?
• So aside from Squid Game Cop and his two assistants who run some kind of haunted newsletter or something there are three girls and a guy who are just haunt lovers.
• When they get to the asylum they set up camp and the assistants go inside and set up cameras. Them already being in the asylum before they all go do the investigation kind of takes away from the mystery aspect I think.
• I like that there’s a thorough checking of the equipment for all the technophiles in the audience. This is being livestreamed, but would they have a good enough signal in the middle of nowhere to do that?
• Ahh I thought I recognized this guy Seong-hoon, who was also in Squid Game in the last season as the trans character Cho Hyeon-joo, who was the least annoying character in Season 3. Aside from the VIPs, of course.

• The gang finds some giant women’s underwear in the woods that they can use as a landmark, or as the start of a panty raid on the asylum.
• I can’t tell if my connection is making the movie lag or the movie is doing it on purpose. Either way, it’s effective!
• These stairs lead to the second floor.
• The crew puts out a bowl of holy water for ghosts, and it will have the added benefit of keeping vampires far away.
• When I said I sought asylum from Schlocktoberfest, this isn’t what I meant.
• There’s a loud bang and they find hair hanging down from the ceiling, but they don’t really think much of it. Every time I’ve found hair hanging down from my ceiling I’ve been fairly alarmed.
• I like that their flashlights double as sticks for opening these disgusting doors. I should get one of those for my house.
• Why are there so many random wigs in this asylum?
• The cursed Room 402 is locked! Can they get inside and reveal the source of the curse of this room, or is it just stacked chairs and stuff? More wigs, perhaps???
• The livestream is now up to 55,000 views, and I’m pretty sure Charlotte’s cleavage is responsible for at least 53,000 of them.
• Any time someone declares that they’re about to start a ritual you just KNOW that it’s going to be just fine and uneventful and they’ll get a beer afterwards and talk about how lucky they were and how much fun they had.

• When the hell did they string up all lines with bells on them? I guess when they were setting up the GoPros earlier, but it didn’t seem like they were there that long. They may have mentioned it, but it doesn’t ring a bell.
• I always appreciate these kind of superstitious/religious rituals, especially from Asian countries, because like, what the hell do we boring Americans have that’s remotely like this? Snake-handling Baptists?
• The candles blew out and the bells rang. That could just be fairies though.
• I like that the mission control tent has one cot in it. It can’t be for sleeping, since there are 7 people, so it can only be for fucking.
• WOW! The 3 film crew guys set up the bell thing for more views! Who saw that coming?? You know what, I’m willing to bet large sums of won that the place is haunted regardless of their shenanigans.
• “I think Charlotte’s reactions are killing it.” Yeah, her “reactions”…

• This has taken a dark turn, the asylum appears to be haunted.
• The lights are off in Squid Cop’s tent. That’s what happens when you don’t pay your haunted electric bill.
• You know the cutting back to Squid Cop in the control tent, I get it, but maybe it would’ve been more effective if they they’d just stuck with the live feed aspect.
• Obviously you just know that the crew who’s faking the scary stuff are going to die first. Or maybe last. Or maybe not at all. Or maybe all three. At least we know why these two were “setting up” the “cameras” earlier. They were having sex. Possibly just because they’re cold.
• Some wall graffiti changed from “Let’s Live” to “Let’s Die”! What is Banksy haunting this place?
• It seems like a ghost filmed the gang earlier! What is Andy Sidaris haunting this place?
• So with all this crazy shit going on, why don’t they just leave? Because they’ll make money by staying and driving the viewers up! Just like those fat cats in Washington!
• Although it’s funny that the view meter on the feed it’s consistently moving upward. It would be more like a bunch of big chunks of people logging in, instead of a steady uptick in the numbers like a stopwatch.
• Now the ghost inmates are running the haunted asylum!
• Everything’s going wrong but they still have to go through the motions to get through the twisted game they’ve created, just like life.
• So Charlotte and another woman, Ji-hyun, did run off back into the woods, and wouldn’t you know it, they’re lost and stuck in a loop because they keep seeing the panties in the tree from before. That makes this the 999th horror movie where people get lost in a loop in the woods. But only the 204th where giant white panties were involved.
• Well after they find some goopy crap in the woods that somehow made it out of the asylum, Ji-hyun gets possessed and starts talking in baby babble while Charlotte finally musters up the courage to find the tent, where no doubt she will be welcomed by Squid Cop with hot cocoa and a s’more.

• Ooh it’s not the tent but right back in the god damn asylum! And we’re really ripping off Blair Witch wholesale at this point.
• At least there’s a half naked man with a huge red cut up his chest. Something for the ladies! He slowly and quietly follows Charlotte’s movements, and you know he’s going to charge at her any second, but when it happens it’s still a good little jump scare.
• So now they all want to leave before they get in Room 402 but they’re about to hit one million viewers! Even though that would probably happen anyway with all the shit going on. But Squid Cop can’t risk it so he goes in himself! With the drone, for some reason. That should help.
• Ohhh Room 402 turns out to be where Charlotte was before. I was hoping it would just be a pizza arcade.
• Now Room 402 is full of water, or more likely, piss.
• There’s water on the ceiling! And pink champagne on ice. They are all just prisoners here, with a drone device.
• Their night vision camera doesn’t seem to be letting them see much more than their flashlights do, but at least they can see ghosts with it. Maybe it will make everyone fall asleep instantly, like night vision footage always did to me on those dumb ghost shows.
• Another jump scare scream and now everyone is possessed except Squid Cop. I’m sure he’ll get to the bottom of this and everyone will leave here with full hearts and full bellies.
• Well anyway a ghoul hangs him. Probably should’ve stayed in the tent. Oh and one last crew guy gets whisked off via haunted wheelchair. But on the plus side, surely they’re passed one million views by now, although it would be fantastic if the movie ended with the counter stopping at 999,999 and then going back down rapidly.

• Ha! It actually ends at 503 and people commenting it’s fake. Good stuff. Although the number probably should’ve been 402.

Final Thoughts: More like Haunted Ass-I-Yawn! This concept is nothing even newborn asylum babies haven’t seen before, but it’s one of the best ones for sure. Once again, found footage is as dead as crazed asylum ghouls, but they did a great job here. If you like this sort of thing you’ll like this thing of sort. Recommended for goopy chicken connoisseurs, tent directors, granny panty perverts, nostril doctors, and Squid Gamers.

How South Korean Is It?: The asylum could be anywhere I guess, but they take a small tour in the beginning which looked lovely. Every ghost in this is Korean, but not every Korean is a ghost. 80% Tariff

Score: 7.5 Freakiest Places (out of 10)