Killer Condom (1996)

Country of Origin: Germany

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: German Italian Americans run afoul of condoms that kill.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Wait, this is set in New York City??? That’s not East Berlin!
• Picking movies with subtitles while simultaneously trying to write notes is never the world’s greatest idear.
• So a college professor takes his student to a seedy motel for some further seeding and he outs on a condom that he got for free from the motel and it rips his dick off. Why would you not bring your own condoms? That’s just good advice for literally any situation.
• Seems that this is an epidemic in this motel as there are four women of the late evening who are at the police station accused of biting dicks off.
• It still makes no sense that this is set in New York. Everyone is speaking German. Is this what life would have been like if we lost World War II? I’d hate to think of living under a Nazi regime. Can you even imagine?? 
• So a gay “Sicilian” detective, Luigi Macaroni (or possibly Mackaroni for some reason, it’s not super clear), goes to the motel to I guess investigate and also get laid, but the killer condom bites off one of his testicles. And he runs into his old trans girlfriend Babette. And he has an enormous knockwurst. There will not be a ton of notes the rest of the way, I feel.

Psychondom? Is that anything? No? Blugh.

• It’s unclear so far if the killer condom is a bunch of condoms or just the one condom.
• Yeahhh, there’s just not a lot going in here. The killer condom(s?) bites off cocks and everyone yells about it. We have 90 more minutes of this.
• Luigi finally catches the killer condom, so movie over, right? No, we’re only halfway through. I hate myself.
• Oh, more killer condoms are cumming out of the sewers. Like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Squirtles.

The special effects aren’t great, you can tell it’s rubber.

• There’s a Germanyman who has a lot if blonde hair and supposedly running for American President spouting a lot of Nazi ideology and that’s just totally far fetched in this movie about sentient murderous prophylactics.
• The Trump-ish politician got his dick bitten off by the killer condom while he did nothing. Seems about right.
• There’s a killer condom lab under the hospital chapel. A crazed scientist is making the killer condoms so he can get red jelly for some reason. Basically, this crazed doctor lady is punishing gays with the killer condoms because the Lord is coming back on Y2K. Or something. I’ve never been so tired.
• Macaroni gives an actual kind of touching speech about tolerance. Then they all just kind of walk away.

Final Thoughts: I apologize that this is so short, but there was just really nothing of note happening, which seems odd for a movie about monster condoms that bite dicks off, but it’s true. As a horror movie it’s nothing. As a detective movie it sucks. As a comedy it’s unfunny. As a horror detective comedy it’s none of the above. As a homoerotic romp it’s excellent.

How German Is It?: I watched a subtitled version, so the dialogue was all German, but if you watched a dubbed version, there wouldn’t be anything remotely German about it, except for weird sex stuff, but they don’t exclusively have the world market cornered on that. NEIN% Tariff

Score: 2 Inches (out of 10)