Mystics in Bali (1981)

Country of Origin: Indonesia

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A tourist in Bali runs afoul of mystics.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Meat Sticks in Belly?
• Ohhhh, Bali Total Fitness.
• I’m not holding out high hopes for this plot being coherent.
• I saw the last season of The White Lotus, so this is probably the same thing. Although maybe it won’t be as disappointing.
• I like how these two lovebirds have the same hairstyle.
• So far this movie is this man and woman, Haystacks (?) and Cathy, talking about Bali black magicks, and it’s like a continuing conversation set in different places and times, even though it all could have been in a restaurant or something. Apparently Cathy is a student studying this horseshit, although I’m not sure how this will evolve into a career after graduation.
• So they see an actually demon witch, and their reaction to her is like they’re reading the hours of operation for a local flea market.
• I’m pretty sure this is that guy who has the Guinness World Record for longest fingernails, who undoubtedly leads a nightmare existence, especially after he takes a dump.
• The black magick fingernail witch has never heard of the USA? LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, WITCH!… man, those jokes used to be funnier, but now leave it seems more and more ideal. Fucking send help if you’re reading this. Oh… nobody’s reading this… nobody’s coming to help… we’re so doomed… I’m so upset… I can’t do this anymore…
• Ok so anyway this witch shakes hands with Cathy and her arms fall off, then crawl away. Seems like there’s not going to be any plot to this and just a bunch of weird garbage for the sake of weird garbage.
• This witch laugh is getting under my god damn cold skin.
• There’s no transition whatsoever, but Cathy and Haystacks are wearing different clothes, so I guess it’s the next night.
• They bring this witch bottles of blood, but they’re all different colors and consistencies, from Kool-Aid water to cranberry slime jizz.
• Cathy has to take her skirt off so the witch’s tongue can tattoo her leg. Who am I to judge. At least its not a tribal tattoo on her upper arm.
• Why do they have to keep coming back each night? Just fucking get it over with already.
• This is officially going absolutely legally nowhere in the state of Rhode Island.
• Earlier the witch made it a point to say that her face would constantly change, but I’m pretty sure that was just and excuse for the makeup being inconsistently shitty.
• STOP LAUGHING GOD DAM YOU

• So Cathy and the witch dance around a little and then turn into pigs for some reason and that means that Cathy is now a master of black magicks for some reason.
• I was banking on this being wacky and interesting but now I’m rethinking my entire life.
• This is just stupid fucking boring nonsense, the worst kind of stupid fucking nonsense.
• Is this based on Indonesian folklore? Sure. Does that make it remotely interesting? Folk no.
• So here’s were Cathy’s head and some internal organs fly around and mess with villagers. She goes carpet sampling on some poor pregnant woman giving birth and I guess drinks the baby’s blood or something for the witch. I guess that’s like a fine wine to these witches.

• If this motherscratching witch laughs one more backscratching witchfuckling time……..
• Now here’s a different, younger witch woman. I guess it’s the same witch who’s now younger because of the baby blood and all. I don’t know, leave me alone.
• Then the witch and Cathy slowly turn into big snakes. Even for no budget in 1983, that could have been done better.
• Oh then nothing comes from that.
• Then Haystacks kisses Cathy while she’s asleep, then she pukes up a bunch of live mice. I’m not sure which (witch?) part was worse for her.
• Stop boring me so much what did I do to you.
• Here’s a 97-minute scene of some fireballs and witch retching noises. So interesting.
• And the next scene Cathy and Haystacks go apartment shopping. Fuck this noise from Bali Hai to Helly Low.
• The outside of this apartment has more mold than an abandoned petri dish factory.
• This maybe seems to be going for like a kind of Suspiria in Indonesia vibe sort of possibly? If so, you have have failed me.
• Cathy has more armpit hair than a dozen Bigfoots combined.

All Haystacks wanted was a little head but this is too much.

• Holy hell’s Bali bells nothing has happened but can this end already? This is the longest 85 minutes of my life and I’m only 58 minutes old.
• I’m trying to remember the last time I was this bored. Maybe at a work seminar or something. Eh, no, not really. Take the most boring Schlocktoberfest pictures of the past few years… my fingers are so bored they don’t even want to finish typing that sentence.
• Have I even written about the plot whatsoever? Is it because there isn’t one except a vampire witch getting younger?
• The witch and Haystacks’ wizard uncle fight for the souls of something or other.
• Then the sun comes up and the witch dies the end shut up shitstain.

Final Thoughts: I had fairly high hopes for this one because I heard it was a crazy cult classic. However, all of those “crazy” scenes make up about 7 minutes of the runtime. And while the floating head and pig transformations and vomiting up mice are fun, the rest is about as fun as waiting for a bus that’s going someplace in which you have no interest. Recommended for bored travel agents, pig breast creeps, and abortion rights activists.

How Indonesian Is It?: Indonesia? More like Anesthesia! But I guess no one’s going to confuse this folklore with Scotland. 90% Tariff

Score: 1.5 Hours of Nonstop Witch Laughter (out of 10)