BIGFOOT! (2012)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A group of has-been actors and shock-rocker Alice Cooper in the woods run afoul of a Bigfoot.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Brad: Hello Boys! Happy Halloween! It’s been a long time…
• Brad: It has been a long time. HAS BEEN? Is this thing on?
• Brian: How dare you call us has-beens? We’ve yet to peak!
• Brad: SyFy presents? Have we ever attempted a SyFy produced flick? Aren’t they the people behind the Sharknado flicks?
  
• Brian: We’re finally getting the Brady vs. Partridge showdown everyone’s been clamoring for for the past 75 years!
• Jim: Bigfoot. Ok, got it.
• Brian: We’d better get a Venus Flytrap cameo here. 
• Brad: I complained earlier in the month about the B-roll of various woodland creatures but at least they used real animals and not this CGI shit.
• Jim: That was a quick circle of life.
• Brian: I’m no salmonologist, but do they really swallow frogs whole?
• Brad: Speaking of CGI, here’s the big guy!
• Brian: This is the first time we’ve seen the Bigfoot in full view in the beginning and it looks like absolute sloth bear shit. Is doing CG on a green screen cheaper than getting a halfway decent costume and a green screen?
• Jim: The cast of this movie can be represented as such:
  
• Brad: And when they say Bigfoot, they mean BIG foot!
• Jim: Bonaduce has to be a “shock jock” even in the movies?
• Brian: More like a “cock sock.”
• Brad: JFC, the last thing we need to botch an explanation regarding Global Warming is fucking Danny Partridge!
• Brad: 80s Flashback Music Festival? But this stars Bonaduce, Barry Williams AND Howard Hesseman, including a cameo by Alice Cooper — All 70s stars!
• Brian: But the 80s is when all of them really started to desperately try to hang on to their relevance, so they’re flashin back to that.
• Jim: The 80’s flashback festival is gonna be pretty lame since there is no way the production could afford one song of the era.
• Brad: Devo, Depeche Mode AND Duran Duran?! Was Dexy’s Midnight Runners not available? How about Dead or Alive? Or Def Leppard and Dokken?!
• Brad: This flick all but guaranteed Bonaduce was able to pay his electric bill for at least a year!
• Jim: Harley’s too cool to wear a helmet even in fake digital snow.
• Brad: “Snow is coming down hard we can’t work like this!” First, it’s CGI, but secondly, when that guy said that, it was mildly sleeting at best.
• Brad: Plus this is set in South Dakota, don’t they already get plenty of snow over there?!
• Jim: South Dakota. Fucking swell.

• Brad: “Hey, I’m Harley Henderson the concert promoter!” “Yeah, we met many times!” Fucking BonaDouché
• Brian: So they’re trying to save the nonexistent trees in this large clearing?
• Brad: The Police back together!? Again?! They just did that back in 2007!
• Brad: So Harley is the bad guy because he’s willing to destroy forest for A Flock of Seagulls to play their two signature tunes.
• Jim: Who these bitches?
• Brad: These “activists” are willing to miss their hot yoga sessions and lattes to save the forest! Also, they are very underdressed for a long-term protest.
• Jim: How can Greg Brady turn his head with that obviously painful face lift?
• Brad: Barry “Greg Brady” Williams is the so-called leader of the activists. He, too, is the bad guy. Don’t question my logic!
• Brad: Simon Quint? They having a laugh?
• Jim: Worst tree huggers ever.
• Brad: I’m not even going to attempt Brady Bunch vs. Partridge jokes. Past my time. I’ll leave that to our 70s expert, Jim.
• Jim: Hey! That’s Partridge and Brady innuendo! And I bet not the last. He needs to call Greg a motherfucker, since ya know – if the rumors about him and Florence Henderson were true.
• Brian: I get the Brady vs. Partridge thing here of course. But if you’re lining them up side-by-side, shouldn’t Danny be up against Peter? I guess Christopher Knight wanted to be paid one more package of hot dogs than Barry Williams did.
• Brad: Sherilyn Fenn is a police officer? Well if Heather Locklear could do it, why not?!
• Jim: Sherilyn Fenn can still get it. She is however a tad old for the whole “new cop in town” thing. Make way for the iron shaschige.
• Brad: Bruce Davison is the sheriff. Also the director.
• Jim: Johnny Fever as the town’s mayor, for the hat trick.
• Brad: Barry Williams is (over)acting his little heart out!
• Jim: This fucking dialogue is making my ears vomit dead locusts.
• Brad: If I ever got a warning shot from Sherliyn Fenn, I’d consider it an honor.
• Brad: Why does this musical score kinda sounds like A Nightmare Before Christmas?
• Jim: I need a dozen towels so the boys can take a shower.
• Brad: “I haven’t known him since 8-track tapes, vinyl and VCRs!” That’s quite the span of technology there Greg.
• Brad: OK OK. LOL. Simon just told the mayor that this festival is destroying over 50 acres of forest. For a festival of 80s has-beens in South Dakota?! That wouldn’t require 5 acres of land!
• Brian: And there’s already plenty of clearing there!
• Jim: There’s the mother joke.
• Brad: I’m not sure why Simon got so made at Harley telling him that he has his mother’s eyes. Was that a Brady Bunch in-side joke or something? Unless we learn later in the flick that Simon really hates his Nazi, Satan-worshipping mother.
• Brian: This jail set is clearly a home set. Talk about house arrest!
• Brad: I’m not even remotely interested in Simon and Sheriff Becky’s (Fenn) small talk.
• Jim: Sherilyn has a secret. I hope it’s that the movie is over in five minutes.

• Brad: This Bigfoot is one nasty mofo. He’s constantly pissed off. Kinda like the Hulk.
• Brian: This Bigfoot is TOO big a Bigfoot!
• Jim: Wow. I didn’t know Bigfoot was that big.
• Brian: I guess there’s no mystery to this one. Bigfoot is more like King Kong in this. 
• Brad: He’s more Mighty Joe Young size.
• Jim: Bartender, bring me a colada and milk.
• Brad: SyFy spared no expense when rendering this CGI monstrosity didn’t they??
• Jim: Ya gotta love a production that relies this heavy on Adobe Premiere.
• Jim: Bigfoot is quite the food snob. He only eats the heads off of people.
• Brad: Harley Henderson rides a Harley Davison. Cute.
• Jim: That is in no way a song trying to be Van Halen’s Jump. 
• Jim: Andrew has the same charisma as Robin Givens.
• Brian: Oh, Bonaduce is questioning a Bigfoot footprint. It’s fucking 30 feet tall and attacked multiple people. 
• Brad: The radio station does a Bigfoot footprint gag on the radio? How exactly does a sight gag work on the radio?
• Jim: It’s not Bigfoot, it’s an Imperial All Terrain Scout Transport Chicken Walker. Fucking moron.
• Brian: Deadwood? What a bunch of cocksuckers. 
• Jim: On second thought, make that a water. HtO.
• Brad: An unstoppable CGI force collides with an unmovable CGI object. In this case, some Boomer’s RV hits Bigfoot’s knees, as he’s casually crossing the road.
• Jim: Bigfoot didn’t want to hear any “men never ask for directions” schtick either.
• Brad: TAKE THAT GARMIN!
• Jim: Falcum. Take me to the falcum!
• Brad: The craziness of ’93?! And no flashback? Sweet!
• Jim: Senator Kelly from the X-Men is in this, I forgot.
• Brad: I don’t know what’s more ridiculous, Barry Williams flying in a one-man glider plane or the fact that this movie had to CGI the words Deadwood 1st Annual 80’s Flashback Fest on a banner.
• Jim: I always enjoy shitty photoshopped props. I’m almost two kilometers tall.
• Brian: They must have spent $10 million on hair dye and pancake makeup for our leads. 
• Jim: I’m waiting for the Jaws reference with the Mayor.
• Brad: “I have Sting waiting at the airport!” If it’s one thing Sting don’t mind, it’s waiting to come.
• Jim: Is this a contest for who to feel sorrier for?
• Brad: “Peter Pan never harmed anyone…unless they deserved it.” I don’t know why they’re talking about Peter Pan but I love the fact that Simon had to defend Pan for all the murder he so justly may have committed.
• Jim: I wave my bags, did you wave your’n?
  
• Brad: “We all made our mistakes back then. But that was the thing about the 80s. You can make mistakes and still live free!” Just ask the pilot and crew of the Exxon-Valdez!
• Jim: Everyone is talking about the 80’s like they were the 60’s.
  

• Brad: So Harley thinks his 80s music festival can become the Woodstock for his generation. In South Dakota? With Depeche Mode?
• Brian: Yeah, remember how Woodstock was all music from 30 years previous? Glenn Miller played his ass off at Woodstock!
• Jim: Woodstock had mud. Fuck you, there were other things it’s known for ya know. 
• Brad: Harley is trying to mend peace with Simon by offering Simon the chance to come out of retirement and sing on stage. This movie is realllllly stretching the limits of suspension of disbelief. And in a movie that features a 25 foot Bigfoot, that’s saying a lot.
• Brian: They did a great job clearing this concert area. They even made it summertime!
• Jim: What’s a beautiful South Dakota day? Drinking room temp Nattie Lights outside in a light drizzle?
• Brad: HAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s the stage?! Duran Duran can’t fit on that thing!!
• Jim: Stop lecturing me on today’s tech Barry Williams, you come from rotary just as I.
• Brad: Why does Harley need the microphone when the 3 dozen folks that are braving the elements can hear him just fine if he raised his voice a little bit.
• Brian: Possibly because he’s an insecure little troll man with a dick the size of a lemon seed.
• Jim: Midnight Daffodil. Nice band name dick.
• Brad: Harley could’ve had this fest in the high school auditorium and still have empty space.
• Jim: This festival has the attendance numbers of a Trump rally.
• Brian: The BIGGEST Bigfoot! YUGE!
• Brad: Simon you idiot! You don’t start your comeback with the preaching about the environment before your hits! You gotta warm up the crowd first Johnny Bravo!
• Jim: Look at those stupid fucking front row bitches swaying to this 2 chord shit song. This girl must be praketing richcraft.
• Brad: This act is more pathetic than the whole the Brady Bunch Variety Hour. Where’s Rip Taylor when we need him!

• Brian: I’m sorry to make this announcement, we have two disappointments tonight: Rip Taylor could not make it, and Danny Bonaduce could.
• Jim: Thank you Satan! It’s Alice Cooper!
• Brad: Alice Cooper?! Fuck. Can’t we ever see a good movie with Alice Cooper?!
• Brad: Procol Harum? Jethro Tull? Sting? One of those are not like the others Alice Cooper.
• Jim: I hope he chops off Bonaduce’s head.
• Brad: I love Alice Cooper. The man’s a legend and has a fantastic sense of humor and is a humanitarian to boot but the more he ages the more his shock schtick weakens for me. He looks more and more like an old lady with her mascara running down her eyes.
• Brian: At least with KISS they can really layer on the full face paint to hide that they were alive during World War I.
• Jim: Well how much did they wave?
• Brad: For some reason Simon’s legion of 5 chicks that help him with his activism are wetting themselves over his singing. I haven’t seen such devotion for someone since Squeaky Fromme.
• Brad: “I can’t go out there with cardboard snakes. They want real snakes. I’m Alice Cooper. The scariest guy in the world!” Not since 2016 you ain’t.
• Brad: Hahahaha. “I’m here to promote my book on golf.”
• Jim: I read Alice’s book about golf – it was great.
• Brad: How did he not title his golf book: No More Mr. Slice Guy?!
  
• Brian: Hiyooooo!!

• Jim: Your Pomona is very extinct.
• Brad: Simon’s music has further angered the Bigfoot. Rampage incoming. Well not so much a rampage as there’s only 25 people or so. But you get my point.
• Brian: Don’t forget they needed 50 acres for this massive sea of people! I’ve legitimately seen a larger turnout and more excitement for the Save the Library event my town puts on every year. That library ain’t getting saved.
• Brad: Even Alice Cooper is bombing here.
  Jim: Looks like they could only afford Alice for one afternoon and not the whole band.
• Brad: Speaking of Rampage, I can’t help but think of the old arcade game and how the graphics back then rival the CGI in this movie.
• Jim: Bigfoot has been ripping and disemboweling all these folks without a drop off blood seen.
• Brad: Alice Cooper is such a good sport allowing himself to be kicked into oblivion by a CGI Bigfoot. I’m sure he was just happy to get out of there any which way.
• Jim: This movie is full of assholes to kill and Bigfoot kills Alice. Fuck this.
• Brian: How much did they pay Alice Cooper for that three minutes of screentime? He really fed Bigfoot’s Frankenstein.

• Brad: Harley is on the air for his radio show and he’s bragging how good his show was. Even Trump doesn’t spin a disaster this badly.
• Jim: Yeah, I studied with the Dong of Tokyo,’n also with the oriental Kato.
• Brad: Let’s not gloss over the fact that he had 2 performers (1½ really) sing one song each. Alice Cooper didn’t even get to the singing part of his first song. And oh yeah, HE FUCKING DIED!
• Jim: This town is a real beehive of activity, Halberstrom.
• Brad: “I put this sleepy little town on the map.” Isn’t Deadwood already a famous old cowboy town? And it’s like less than 50 miles from Mount Rushmore!
• Jim: Sherilyn Fenn can strap one on for me any day.
• Brian: I guess Sherilyn Finn got paid for the Cameron Mitchell role.
• Brad: Did Bruce Davison lose a bet or something? Why is he directing and starring in this? The guy has a somewhat decent career.
• Brian: Obama should sue for them using his photo in the police house set.
• Brad: I just realized this movie has both Johnny Fever and Johnny Bravo. If only Johnny Quest was involved.
• Brian: Or Johnny 5!
• Jim: Someone ask the Mayor why the WKRP box set could only score half the rights to the songs on the original broadcasts.
• Jim: My body contain uh water.
• Brad: I’ve never seen a movie portray snow so flippantly as to have most of the people outside wearing light spring jackets. I know it’s supposed to be a wacky spring for them in this movie but still!
• Jim: “Save Bigfoot!” screams the town. Even though he is a violent murdering rampage monster. Political allegory? I dunno.
• Brian: I thought they were saying, “Shave Bigfoot.” No one ever thinks to do that in these movies, but it would surely stop him.
• Jim: Blood on the banners, ain’t no big surprise. I’ll pour another drink, and I’ll tell you some lies.
• Brad: How is there an hour left? Why is there an hour left?
• Jim: All these Deadwood references, yet no sign of Swearengen or cocksuckers.
• Brad: Why are the most influential voices in this town, two has-been boomer musicians? I said: Why are the most influential voices in this movie, two has-been boomer musicians?
• Jim: I just loves the way these Copenhagens talks!
• Brad: This movie is dumb.
• Brad: Bubbles from The Wire! C’mon man. Why are you in this?
• Brian: Bubbles! I wish I was on crack for this movie.
• Jim: Not what I was expecting as far as what this movie’s version of Quint would be.
• Brian: Your turn, Quint.
• Brad: Harley is hiring this ace hunter, played by Andre Royo, to kill Bigfoot. I’m pretty sure the whole town as the military and natural guard there to try to kill him, no?
• Jim: Jesus Jalapeño, they couldn’t even afford to film in a river. They’re paddling in green screen.

• Brad: Two people are on a raft trying to get good footage of Bigfoot when they didn’t think to realize that they are sitting ducks now that Bigfoot spotted them. The chick who’s rowing is kinda cute though. Shame he’s probably gonna die now.
• Jim: I hope Bigfoot shits in the river.
• Jim: Finally some gore.
• Brad: The CGI of Bigfoot running is more or less the same as the Incredible Bulk. Bulk. With a B.
• Jim: Driver, McDoodle.
• Brad: And every step, no matter in water or land, sounds like he’s crushing rocks.
• Jim: Bigfoot just turned that guy into a moo shu pancake.
• Jim: I wonder what it feels like to act in a total piece of shit like this. Not only that, but to arrive on set everyday looking at this collection of seventies artifacts and having to call them co-stars, must be traumatic.
• Brian: Maybe they were told the CG Bigfoot was going to look amazing, and that Howard Hesseman would give them the Ultimate Blowjob.
• Brad: The sheriff just politely arrested Priya, Simon’s right-hand woman for putting up Save Bigfoot posters on a post. Dammit! String her up by her Buster Browns!
• Jim: The bail scene ladies and gentlemen.
• Brad: Every time the scene is set in the sheriff’s office, Barack Obama’s portrait is dominantly displayed in the frame. Even for me, that’s too much Barry.
• Brad: Close down Rushmore! YES!
• Jim: By the way, I had to add hard liquor to help the weed along to get me through the rest of this.
• Brad: Simon just threw a huge wad of cash to bail out Priya. But that’s all Barry Williams has left!
• Brad: I hope Priya learned her lesson and leaves her putting up her activist poster ways behind!
• Brian: Is Barry Williams a pimp?
• Jim: Sausage. Salima.
• Brad: All of Simon’s minions are ladies. He’s like the Gaddafi of SJWs.
• Jim: It’s SueAnn not Simone asshole face.
• Brian: Again, do they really need to track Bigfoot? He’s fucking 30 feet tall and keeps attacking people!
• Jim: I bet this place smells like patchouli and not one of these pseudo hippies knows what the hell it is. Salami.
• Brad: The first time Andre Royo meets up with Harley in town, he put a Bigfoot Death Mobile sign on his truck. Dude, you just got there, maybe ease up on the bloodlust.
• Jim: They ripped off Animal House’s Death Mobile! Harold Ramis is spinning in his grave.
• Brad: Harley is also joining in the Bigfoot hunting. Because Bonaduce is being paid by the minute.
• Jim: These bounty hunters don’t instill the same sense of danger as Vader’s did.
  

• Brian: All the Bigfoot wants to do is bite the heads off of people with zero blood involved. Why can’t they leave him alone?
• Jim: Instead of “Bubbles” from The Wire, I would have went with Miguel A. Nunez Jr.
• Jim: That wasn’t a joke, I’m actually a big Nunez Jr. fan.
• Brad: “…he studied close relatives of Bigfoot all over the world…” OK. Remember when this beast used to be a myth and that usually people never find it? Now it’s all over the world.
• Brad: Unless Simon is bullshitting this new recruit to get into her pants. I’d believe that.
•  

• Brad: Hahahaha. Every time we cut to the police station it’s always the same shot of the same angle of the outside with the empty cop car.
• Jim: Davison kept his cool having to star and direct this masterpiece of cinema.
• Brad: Could Bruce Davison at least get himself a button-downed shirt that actually fucking fits him?
• Brian: He should’ve picked one up at a market on the road to Dushanbe.
• Brad: Poor Sherilyn Fenn is trying her hardest to look interested in hearing Davison’s story and acting in this dreck.
• Jim: An Aliens scanner gag. Hasn’t been done a million times at all.
• Brad: So it’s been established that Bigfoot hates loud noises and that’s why he went on a tear at the festival. But Royo is going around the woods on an ATV trying to locate him. Just fire off some shots and Bigfoot will come to you dipshit.
• Jim: Why do you need a scanner when you can hear Bigfoot coming a mile away?
• Jim: Which one of these cunts is gonna yell, “Game over man!”
• Brad: There goes one of Royo’s minions. Sorry you had to leave so soon bud.
• Jim: It’s amazing how this Bigfoot doesn’t leave footprints when runs.
• Brian: If we’ve learned anything this month, it’s that Bigfoots only ever leave one footprint at a time.
• Brad: Bigfoot has the flattest feet ever. Rob Liefeld must’ve been the CGI artist on this. (Google Rob Liefeld Feet, if you dare)
• Brad: Another minion thought he could outrun and outlast the Bigfoot. You crazy fool!
• Brad: That grenade did absolutely nothing to the Bigfoot. They are like the buzzing of flies to him!
• Jim: I hope everyone who starred in this is reminded about it every morning when they wake up.
• Brad: This isn’t even a Bigfoot really but just a giant gorilla, let’s face facts here.
• Brad: Every 20 minutes or so the movie reminds us that Howard Hesseman is in this for some reason.
• Jim: Mount Rushmore again. Something’s gonna happen there like North By Northwest right?
• Brad: Well since BonaDouché can’t kill Bigfoot he’s going to try the ol’ Carl Denham tactic of trying to exploit the beast to raise revenue for the community. Now why didn’t Mayor Vaughn think of that in Jaws?
• Brian: Deadwood is a snowy spring town, they need snowy spring dollars.
• Brad: Who’s this guy that broke into Simon’s office? He’s a Harley minion we only just met now.
• Jim: This looks like a shitty cult. As far as cults go.
• Brad: I’m sorry but Barry Williams is one of the creepiest dudes. I get uncomfortable looking at him for too long.
• Brad: Why couldn’t Chris Knight be in this? He’s not in prison is he? It’s been a long time since I watched VH1.
• Jim: Why hasn’t Brad bounce-passed me a setup to a D&D joke yet?
• Brad: I’m kinda afraid to and how it would tie in to this Has-beens fight 50-foot Sasquatch movie.
• Brad: “Simon go home!” Uh-uh-uh Sheriff Becky, you didn’t say Simon Says!
• Jim: I think Sherilyn Fenn filmed this movie with what she was wearing on her way home from Whole Foods one day.
• Brad: Things should be wrapping up soon…36 minutes left? Aw what the fuck…..
• Jim: This should have been some sort of horror version of Mighty Joe Young.

• Brad: It’s a large footprint sweetheart, it’s not a big deal now that everyone in town has seen and been attacked by the beast.
• Brad: Anyway, her scientific curiosity just got herself killed. Are you impressed with the size of Bigfoot’s foot now darling?!
• Brian: It’s not the size of his foot she was impressed with…
• Jim: No Fay Wray or Jessica Lange vibes here, Bigfoot is not above squashing a bitch.
• Brad: They are still harping on about the 80s music festival? It’s over, move on.
• Jim: That’s the sixth bloodless decapitation.
• Brad: Aw shit, Simon’s tranquilizer darts are gone because Harley’s minion stole them. Simon never double-checked! Such hubris!
• Jim: Cut scenes on the Playstation One looked better than this shit.
• Brad: Now Harley is there in a chopper piloted by Royo and trying to kill Bigfoot. I’m not even going to ask how they got the helicopter.
• Jim: Someone actually had to design and render this shit on a computer in an effects shop somewhere. Mind-boggling.
• Brad: Someone somehow planted a tracking device the size of a Snapple bottle cap in Simon’s jacket.
• Brad: Two Choppers now?!
• Brad: They just told Sheriff Becky that the National Guard are on their way. Are you telling me that there was a giant gorilla killing slews of folk in a cowpoke South Dakota town and the government didn’t bother sending in troops to help yet?!
• Brian: It’s a commentary on January 6th, which was still 9 years away. 
• Jim: You can download some of this movie’s special effects off of YouTube.
• Brad: Bigfoot just destroyed one of the choppers. We didn’t even find out who was in it.
• Jim: Kong vibes aplenty here, even though Skull Island this is not.
• Brad: Sheriff Becky is the real hero of the film as she just cattle-prodded Simon to unconsciousness. If we’re lucky he’ll be out for most of the rest of the film. Thank you Becky!
• Jim: Who wouldn’t want to tase Greg Brady until he hopefully shit his pants I ask you.
• Brad: Now that the National Guard are there the rest of the action will be nothing but CGI choppers, CGI explosions and CGI bullet-fire fighting a CGI Bigfoot on CGI sets.
• Brian: George Lucas directed this part.
• Jim: Worst. Marines. Ever.
• Brad: The Merchant Marines would’ve done a better job.
• Brad: Deadwood Dick’s Saloon sounds like the name of a fake bar in a lame amusement park like Busch Gardens or something.
• Brian: Deadwood Dick is not a nickname you want. Trust me.
• Brad: I like how no one gives two hot shits about the existence of a Bigfoot. They either want to save him or kill him.
• Jim: All of this because of a bad band breakup? Then I guess The Eagles had to fight the Yeti, while Fleetwood Mac and Kiss took on Nessie and Ogopogo respectively.
• Brad: Now Harley is ranting and raving to the tavern about how hot Simon’s mom was back in the day and that he banged her despite Simon also having 3 sisters. Ya know, call me crazy but come to think of it, I would totally poke Florence Henderson or Shirley Jones, so maybe this is some sort of Meta joke of some sort. Come on! Get HAPPY!

• Brad: I mean, no offense to Susan Dey. I’d still like to give her a smooch.
• Brad: It’s the gift we Gen-X always wanted. A fist-fight between Barry Williams and Danny Bonaduce.
• Jim: The bar fight every seventies kid dreamed of. Although if it were my dream, it needs Leo Sayer and Ian Schrager.
• Brian: Maybe the Bigfoot is actually a grown Lancelot Link?
• Brad: Now they’re trying to be scientific by trying to figure out the Bigfoot’s eating patterns and hibernation schedule. Again it’s just Sheriff Becky and Walt so this is all hypothetical anyway.
• Jim: I love how this movie’s flashbacks don’t flash back to anything.
• Brad: Where is Harley (remember he’s just a washed up musician turned radio DJ) getting all these minions?!
• Brad: A $5000 bounty? For that you get the head, the feet, the whole damn thing.
• Jim: Either kill this animal, or cut off its food supply!
• Brian: Is that in cash or check?
• Brad: If you’re going to show a soldier stop shooting and then throw a grenade at a Bigfoot, gosh darnit, show the impact or explosion of said grenade. The film cut to Bigfoot and that was it.
• Jim: More digital snow. Sounds like a website to buy cocaine crypto. Hiyo!
• Jim: Here in the third act, we now have the battle-damaged decals on Bigfoot.
• Brian: I think Bigfoot got the mange.
• Brad: So earlier, I failed to realize that even though Harley stole the tranq darts, he never intended to use them? Weird.
• Jim: What was that talking?
• Brad: Harley hates Simon so much that he’s willing to kill him when it looks like his tranquilizing Bigfoot plan might work.
• Jim: Don’t be a hero. Bigfoot is death.
  

• Brian: Barry Williams is wearing the same skateboard helmet to drive this glider that Bonaduce wore on his motorcycle earlier. I hope Barry sprayed it for lice.
• Jim: Is South Dakota ever this exciting?
• Brian: Now all of a sudden there’s tape over the Bell logo on that helmet. Great work, Bruce Davison.
• Jim: Ha ha hardly working cell phones from twelve years ago, ha ha.
• Brad: Let me try to understand this plan here. So Becky says she thinks she knows how to slow the Bigfoot down (Meanwhile the Bigfoot is chasing their squad car). She stops the car, pours gas around the car and lights it up with a road flare. Once the Bigfoot comes to the flames he seems transfixed and calm-ish. Then Sheriff Walt starts shooting at him, making Bigfoot even more mad than before, kicking the car towards Walk that then pins him to a tree killing him. So my question is, what was the point of the flames and why did Sheriff Walt mess up whatever plan Becky had. And why didn’t Becky explain the plan to him or at least told him to wait before he tried to shoot the beast.
• Jim: I see Davison gave himself the most respectfully acted death scene. Fucking ugh. I’m surprised he didn’t throw in the fact that he was retiring tomorrow.
• Jim: Nancy’s traps laid out for Freddy in her living room were better than this.
• Brad: OK, now the flick must be wrapping up. Fuck 17 minutes!
• Brian: Now Sherilyn, who was a visiting detective(?), is now the head police chief.
• Brad: Maybe in the future you can ask me what I really thought about this scene where Harley and Royo lie to the National Guard that they have clearance to enter the Bigfoot cave that the National Guard are fortifying. But right now, I’m going to tell you what my brain told me when I questioned it and that’s a hearty Fuck off.
• Jim: Stop saying cave!
• Brad: Priya and Simon also got into the cave (they just snuck in when no one was looking) and Priya asks “what’s that smell?” And Simon looks at the corpses and bones scattered around and replies, “It’s just his food.” I’m pretty sure some of the food was one of your friends Simon!
• Jim: We’re just gonna film everyone trying to get up this fucking hill aren’t we Kate Bush?

• Brad: Royo, the infamous hunting expert, just accidentally shot Priya in the shoulder.
• Brad: And then when he runs outside the National Guard shoot him dead.
• Jim: They only shot the black guy? Little on the nose isn’t it filmmakers?
• Brian: Did the army think Bubbles was Bigfoot? “Bigfoot’s also black! Shoot him!!”
• Brad: In a moment where it looked like the Bigfoot was going to either help Priya or get the hots for her, he quickly tosses her skinny ass a few yards until she falls on a large tree branch and dies.
• Jim: Bigfoot loves killing women.
• Brad: Now Bigfoot is terrorizing Mount Rushmore! How would General Washington handle this situation?! We all know Teddy would strangle that beast with his bare hands and then skin it and make a few coats from the fur! I want to see THAT movie!
• Jim: They forgot too add a voice on the other end of that walkie-talkie. Fucking priceless.
• Brian: Why is Bigfoot always running like he has to take a massive shit? I guess it’s all the heads he’s eaten.
• Jim: Oh boy, tourists.
• Jim: Empire State Building – done. The World Trade Center – done. Uhhh…Mount Rushmore? Yes!
• Brad: Hahahahahaha. Bigfoot is climbing up Rushmore and being annoyed by a news chopper. He leaps off the mountain and grabs the tail of the helicopter, does a twirl, jumps off the chopper and lands back on the mountain all while the chopper falls to its destruction on the mountain. I’m still trying to figure out the physics here.

• Jim: That soldier in the chopper looked in to the camera. Thought we’d wouldn’t notice, but we did.
• Brian: What’s the Bigfoot’s goal here?
• Jim: Another dead woman. I’m gonna guess mother issues?
• Jim: I want to blast Greg Brady and his hang glider out of the sky like fucking Alderaan.
• Brad: As Simon and Harley are fighting again on top of Mount Rushmore for dear lives as Bigfoot and Navy jets are approaching, they are still making ‘I fucked your mom’ jokes. Simon says that he “Played ball in the house!” Was that a Brady Bunch reference or a sexual innuendo joke?
• Jim: I played ball in the house. I get it. Hiyo!
• Jim: If you were to tell me in 1976 that there would one day be a movie where Greg Brady and Danny Partridge shot machine guns at each other on top of Mount Rushmore while trying to kill Bigfoot, I would have said, “Really?”
• Brad: Harley almost falls to his death but Simon is trying to lift him back up.
• Brad: Oh no it’s Bigfoot! But he, too, wants to help but the jets just fired a rocket into Abe Lincoln’s face, thus killing them all! Where were they and hour and 23 minutes ago?!
• Brian: Aw they shot Lincoln in the head!
• Jim: Heh. They all got killed and Rushmore Lincoln was destroyed.
• Brad: Mayor Johnny Fever was talking to a crowd honoring the sacrifices of Simon and Harley and he starts speaking with the microphone on but half-way through the microphone turns off but it doesn’t matter because like the 80’s fest, only 25 people showed up here.
• Brian: Also, why did they put up a statue of them? They did nothing!
• Brad: There should be a statue of the planes.
• Brian: Why would they give Bonaduce a detailed jacket on this statue?

• Brad: Actually, it wasn’t the RPGs. It was beauty killed the beast.
• Jim: Jesus Jalopy what a horrible ending. I mean really fucking bad.
• Brad: And someone even after a year later, they fixed Abe Lincoln’s face back to its crowning glory on Mount Rushmore again!
• Jim: That looks like that stuff Freckles lets out once a mumfth.
• Brad: Well I don’t know about you guys but I’ve just about had enough of Bigfoot features.

Jim’s Final Thoughts: Nothing nice believe me.

Brian’s Final Thoughts: Bruce Davison must answer for these crimes.

Brad’s Final Thoughts: I think we’ve seen and said enough. This one was DOA before it even started. Shame on us and Alice Cooper!

Jim’s Score: -10 Seventies Sitcom References (out of 10)

Brian’s Score: 0.5 Acres of Clear Area Cleared (out of 10)

Brad’s Score: 0.5 Megabytes Worth of CGI to Render Bigfoot (out of 10)

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