Schlocktoberfest XIV – Day 30: The Six Million Dollar Man: The Secret Of Bigfoot Parts 1 and 2

The Six Million Dollar Man: The Secret Of Bigfoot Parts 1 and 2 (1976)

Some BTS:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Cyborg against cyborg in a one fall rumble in the woods.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the show:

“Steve Austin, astronaut. A man barely alive.” still one of the greatest openers ever.
Is that a fault line or an eighty year old woman’s leg?
“Guest starring Stephanie Powers.” I haven’t heard that in forty years.
Eco-warriors in the seventies were far more tenacious than their modern day counterparts.
Colonel Austin doesn’t know to say “over” when he’s finished talking in a walkie-talkie?
I think I went through at least ten pairs of walkies from 1978-1982. Fuck you they were fun.
That machine looks like it’s saying that the ground is lying. Or at least showing deception.
Oh shit! Bigfoot legs!
This chick looks like Edgar Winter’s sister.
An underground volcanic vent in the middle of a forest, on a fault line, inhabited by a Bigfoot. Sweet Marureen of Marmalade do I fucking miss the seventies.
The Indian of the group of course is the one to find the foot print.
“My people named him Sasquatch, you call him Bigfoot.” This got weird real quick Kemosabe.
No flashbacks for his speech either, just his face in the camera. All the production’s money went to Majors sixth guy on the call sheet – live with it.
I can’t remember how many times I heard people make jokes like, “If the Bionic Man is running so slow, how come he always gets there first?” – when I was a kid. I hope they’re all drooling and babbling in a mental asylum that just lost all of its funding.
While watching Steve do his thing, these aliens look like they’re about to recreate the video for Bohemian Rhapsody.
I hope Lee Majors was eventually gifted new knees. Fuck, some of those jumps look like they hurt.
I can’t believe I used to be able to run and jump around like that. I get winded just walking to my dispensary now.
Nice dissolve.
I forgot that Oscar had a lot more pull in the government than he always led on.
I bet that’s actually a cast of Andre the Giant’s foot. He plays Bigfoot in this ‘case you didn’t know.
Bigfoot’s bionic sounds were so much more bad ass than Steve’s.
It’s still fun to watch the Giant destroy the military camp.
Bigfoot runs behind the spotlight to blind the guy about to shoot him. Sweet move.
I’m exhausted watching all of this running.
The aliens’ lair looks like the entrance to the 1960’s Batcave.
The Bionic Man vs. Bigfoot vs. The Blair Witch would be kick ass.
I wish Andre could have dressed like Bigfoot at least once in a Wrestlemania.
The Luke rolling out of the way so Vader doesn’t land on him in the carbon freezing chamber shot, was pretty much born here.
The aliens are watching live coverage of Bigfoot fighting Mr. Majors’ very obvious stunt double.
Were I Col. Austin, I would have requested to have my left organic arm lopped off and replaced with a bionic one. Not only is it eliminating a weakness, but I mean c’mon. If you’re gonna be a bear – be a grizzly.
Bigfoot gets Wampa’d, 3PO’d, Luke’d, and Vader’d. That’s entertainment!
Bigfoot could clear the river in one standing still jump, but Steve landed in the water a few feet short. I think the music score for this scene is titled, “Bionic Pissing Contest.”
I remember seeing lots of things in caves in the seventies. On TV and movies that is, I wasn’t a young Indiana Jones.
I would never run down a tunnel that looked like an electric turquoise rectum. If that’s not the name of a psychedelic band in the 1960’s, it is now.
An alien race in brightly colored jumpsuits and ascots. The seventies predicted the Teletubbies in a way.
Fuck yes! The Bionic Woman!
I had a thing for Lindsay Wagner, you’re not mistaken.
I miss the days when a computer would tell you the truth and you’d say, “well it’s just probably malfunctioning.”
One of the aliens is Sheriff Lee Brackett himself, Charles Cyphers RIP.
“First” generation bionics? What do these aliens know that we don’t?
He can still crush a Play-Doh lead pipe to mush dammit.
I’ll admit it, ‘ole Jennifer Hart looks pretty fine in that jumpsuit. Something Myers nor Venture could ever accomplish.
Only in the seventies can you watch your life’s story on an alien CCTV, and it looks like the clip of your new movie you brought on Merv.
Could someone please remember to take those gold headphones out of Steve’s ears! He looks like the fucking Mascinenmensch!
Seventies sci-fi had a great underlying purity – no matter the cheese factor.
These alien chicks have a weird way of flirting.
They’ve apparently mastered teleportation Steve, it’s definitely what world and not what country are you from. Stupid.
Between these aliens and Lex Luthor in two years, earthquakes must have been blushing with all this attention.
It looks like Oscar’s gonna have to make a life-changing choice…
Here we are in part two, OK fine.
Don’t let me down, gimme one of those, “last time on the Six Million Dollar Man…”
There it is, much obliged.
Marlene has certainly seen better days. Unless that’s a fembot. This show invented that, not the Austin Powers movies kiddies. Like kids know who the fuck Austin Powers is anymore.
Sleeping with Steve Austin, woke up with a Bigfoot.
Stephanie Powers has the power to control the blue crystal anus. If that’s not the name of a 1970’s progressive rock band, it is now.
Looks like Chuck Cyphers is the bitch of the batch. Meow.
Bigfoot and aliens were so on the forefront of the American zeitgeist during this time, I’m surprised they weren’t streaking and drinking pina coladas at Trader Vic’s.
It feels like we’re watching an MST3K short here with the army.
Hmmm. A nuke going off on a fault line to benefit someone. Explain yourself Lex Luthor from two years after this episode aired:
Were this a Corman movie, that little grotto would have been filled with half naked alien babes.
3-2-1-0. Nothing. No quake.
Nope, it was just a little late. Oh shit.
Steve just held up the roof of the cave during the tremor. I mean, is it just me?
It sounded like Oscar was getting the Dantooine speech from A New Hope for a second there.
Oh yeah, Bigfoot is in this.
Steve, how many more signals does this alien hottie need to send? For fuck’s sake it only took 5 notes in Close Encounters.
Steve does what no other sci-fi hero ever did: turn on the scanner TV’s that you just learned how to control to see what the fuck these alien shit-sundaes are up to.
You can only watch Steve, you can’t talk to them yet. That’s Star Trek The Original Series tech – couple a hundred years from now.
Am I having one of those Mandela Effect thingies – or were these caves the setting for The Bionic Man Colorforms?
Bigfoot and Steve are on either side of the azure sphincter. If that’s not the name of an 1980’s new wave band, it is now.
Were I Steve, I would have asked the aliens for a massive upgrade to the ‘ole OS. If you know what I mean.
Oscar didn’t take it well when Sgt. Reggie Jackson gave him the bad news about Steve.
Where’s Bigfoot? Was he really Glass-Jaw Joe’d?
Also, what happened to The Bionic Woman? Was that one scene it for her? Fucking unnecessary tease.
One minute until the Death Star clears the planet, might wanna start moving that bionic ass of yours Steve.
A bionic rescue!
Or was it?
Wait for it.
Steph got to cuddle with Steve during the quake, but two of the aliens had to hide under Bigfoot’s crotch. Talk about the fuzzy end of the lollipop am I right or wrong?
We paid for the earthquake effects, we’re gonna fucking film them!
Remote control bionics on a compact belt attachment? We’re going to Alexander’s on Saturday and getting one of those.
There’s been a horrible foam rubber boulder avalanche. I hope everyone is OK.
I bet these actors all kept repeating to themselves what they were gonna buy with the paycheck from this silly-ass show to get through the shoot.
Dig you sons of bitches! Dig!
Lee Majors perfected the cool hero one-liner right before an action scene shot.
Steve saves the alien base and makes Bigfoot smile and purr.
The price of victory: a total mind wipe of everything that happened, but given a secretly smuggled cure of all known disease for mankind to eventually decipher. Cue dramatic fucking music please.
I had the weirdest dream Oscar. You were there, and you were there…
All of this meshugas just to basically get the west coast to fart. I can’t get mad at you seventies, you make me smile.
It’s 1976 Stephanie, I think we’ll see you again in the sequel. The ratings for this episode are gonna be through the roof, trust me.