The Badge, the Bible, and Bigfoot (2019)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Bigfoot in the woods runs afoul of Christians.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• All of the names in this are the Wright family. They invented flight and now this??
• According to this song, it’s so easy to be saved. Really makes you think.
• This seems like a lovely New England town, must be one of those districts that votes for Trump over toothpaste.
• They clearly could not film in this cafe, so we get a lovely shot of their elbows. Why even bother? Just dress your kitchen like a coffee shop. You just need a sign that says “Coffee” and a couple mugs.
• This movie has been going on for 5 minutes and there have been 137 different shots. 
• They can’t even film this sheriff? I guess his quote was too high: One case of Red Dog. Even though he’s the main actor’s dad. He either has warrants for his arrest and cannot be filmed, or he’s sorely disappointed in his son and daughter-in-law and refuses to be filmed. Or both.
• You can tell this guy is in the police because his hat says ”POLICE” in 97 different ways.
• I legitimately can’t understand 99% of the dialogue in this. I guess paying a small fee to the coffee shop so they can film elbows came out of the microphone budget. Seems like they’re just using a phone to film this. Like a phone they got for free when they signed up for Patriot Mobile.
• Is this a commentary about defunding the police? I don’t think that means literally getting rid of the police department. Which, in this town, apparently just consist of Mr. POLICE here, and the mysterious sheriff. 
• So far this is nothing but moping about POLICE losing his job, nothing so far about the Bigfoot.
• Nevermind, they just briefly mentioned Bigfoot on the radio in an unrelated scene. I wonder how many times that comes up on the radio in the Pacific Northwest. This could be set in Maine, Oregon, or any northern coastal town in the U.S. where the Bible still matters, DAMMIT!
• I guess the Badge part of our program is over. Now we’re on to Act II: The Bible. God bless.

• It seems like the husband and wife can’t be in the same shot at the same time because one of them has to operate the camera phone.
• Oh here are the homeschooled kids. Bunch of freaks. Have you ever met a homeschooled person who was halfway normal? They typically have about as much social grace as the Bigfoot.
• They’re talking about boys asking them to the dance. What dance, they’re home schooled! Do they have brothers?
• They just ran in terror from a stick breaking sound. Now they’re playing hide and seek, and the Bigfoot snatches one of them. Finally.
• It rips her fucking face off and eats it and they show everything!!!! I wish.
• I imagine the dad is also playing the Bigfoot.
• You legitimately can’t understand a word anyone is saying. It seems to be all camera audio, and they are competing with the ambient noise and blasting music for some reason.
• There’s simply not enough Jesus in this so far for my taste.
• It’s really baffling and distracting that they won’t show the sheriff’s face. Maybe he’s just hideous.
• POLICE has to get Outdoor Power to defeat the Bigfoot. You had to be there.
• The shots in this movie are so god damn random it’s really hard to write any coherent notes about it. Just a lot of wandering around and talking about their family problems, which is about as fun if you were cornered by them at a shitty party you didn’t really want to be at. And it’s a dry party. And there is no food. Why did we even go to this? What’s our code word for “let’s get the fuck out of here, already”? “Bigfoot”? Agreed.

• POLICE is determined to hunt down the Bigfoot, but doesn’t even know the Bigfoot exists, and has no knowledge that it took the girls before. Mayor Homeschool Mom goes with him, for some reason. They can’t round up some sort of posse or something? I imagine this family is very hated in the community.
• Ok so he’s just going to wander the woods for 15 minutes with like some tiny toy shotgun. For some reason they thought this would get asses in seats and dicks hard as diamonds.
• I think the Bigfoot just ate one of the girls’ brains. Or was that conservative media.
• There’s a riveting scene where Mayor Homeschool Mom has to piss in the woods and leaves the baby toy shotgun behind. None of this stupidity even seems possible.
• POLICE tells some lame story about saving kids in a school and who cares. I guess he wasn’t in the Uvalde squad.
• Oh my god they’re both in the same shot! But it looks like he was holding the camera like a selfie. You couldn’t get one fucking person to help out with your filming? Oh right, everyone hates them.
• This movie has seriously been the same scene for 25 minutes. That’s not even hyperbole.
• The girls pray for help, but even Jesus refuses to help this family make a film.
• POLICE has a handgun all of a sudden. That may have come in handy earlier when the Bigfoot was trying to kill them.
• Another peeing in the woods scene. I think we have a fetish here.
• POLICE is fighting Bigfoot in a bare knuckle contest, but he’s just punching trees. They seriously couldn’t get one other guy to be in the Bigfoot costume for 15 minutes? There are no tall teenage boys in that town they could’ve given $20 and a Jesus pamphlet to?

• This filmmaking is absolutely nauseating. I’m guess the filming took place over a weekend and the editing took 6 months to smush all these random shots together.
• You know, for having “The Bible” in the title, the Bible didn’t have a ton to do with this. In many was, as God has forsaken this production. I guess there was some Badge stuff, but their wasn’t a ton of Bigfoot. So I guess the title should have been POLICE: The Search for God and Bigfoot.
• Oh, it was all a dream, like Dallas.
• Now for the end they’re just talking about what a shitty husband POLICE is. I don’t doubt it.

Final Thoughts: This is a hard “movie” to rate because, as a movie, it’s a gigantic pile of Bigfoot shit. It’s legitimately one of the worst movies you’ll ever see, but if you, like us, are fascinated that nonsense like this actually gets made and we somehow by the grace of God and Bigfoot get to see it, it’s really interesting. Recommended for the badge, the bible, and YOU.

Score: 1 Nation, Under Bigfoot (out of 10)