Sasquatch Sunset (2024)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A family of Sasquatches in the woods run afoul of People.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Every day, I look at the world from my window
  But chilly, chilly is the evening time
  Sasquatch Sunset’s fine (Sasquatch Sunset’s fine)
• I should get my head examined for picking this since its stars my least favorite actor: Jesse Eisenberg. But he’s playing against type this time I hope in playing a Sasquatch. Fingers-crossed he doesn’t speak.
• But by Crom, if he’s just Sasquatch Jesse Eisenberg, I’m turning this damn thing off faster than you can say “Zack Snyder’s Justice League.”
• FUCK: Received many walkouts during its world premiere at the Sundance Film Festival.
• DOUBLE-FUCK: No dialogue is spoken by the actors, they only speak in grunts and other guttural noises.
• SOooooooo. Yeah, it’s 2024. We have self-driving cars and drink dispensers with like 50 different beverages and somehow some kooks made a non-dialogue movie featuring 4 humans playing Sasquatches going about in their daily lives in the Pacific Northwest. What are we doing?! We used to be a proper society!!
• After seeing one Sasquatch eating leaves the next thing we see is a Sasquatch grooming another Sasquatch (like chimps pick stuff off the back of another chimp) and the helper Sasquatch sneezes on the back of the other and he rightfully gets annoyed. Simply fucking fascinating and entertaining right out of the gate!
• If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that th Alpha Sasquatch is plated by Mandy Patinkin.
• SWEET JESUS! Right before the title card for SPRING came on screen I was going to write that I hope to whatever gods that are listening that I don’t have to see two Sasquatches fucking and well, fuck…
• As the two are bumping uglies, the other two Sasquatches watch. I’m gonna need stronger booze and weed for this folks.
• I should just turn this garbage off and pick something more entertaining and way less pretentious but I’m sort of in this mindset that I want to critically destroy this flick into oblivion.
• Do we really need to see the male Sasquatch use leaves to clean off his cum-soaked fur?!
• I know this is a rhetorical question, but who is the audience for this? Besides Bigfoot sex fetishists I mean.
• Bright side is with the makeup and costumes I can’t tell which one is Jesse Eisenberg.

• Now the 4 Sasquatches (I’m assuming this is one Sasquatch family unit) are just milling about around a few giant sequoias and hitting them with large branches. That’s it. Cut to nighttime.
• One male Sasquatch is, what I can only guess is counting the stars in the sky above him, grunting for each one. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
• Sasquatches sleeping and snoring. If I wanted to watch a giant hairy fella snoring I’d watch my father-in-law sleep.
• It’s morning time and they continue to build their shelter or tent.
• Alpha Male picks mushrooms off a tree and eats some. It’s not harmful so the others join him.
• Drinking river water now. Very slurpy.
• Hey a turtle! Young male (Eisenberg?) gets excited, picks it up and hilariously gets his tongue bit by the reptile and they struggle to remove it. The alpha then puts the turtle up to his ear like a cell phone and the turtle makes squeaking noises. They don’t like what it’s saying so they throw the turtle into the river in disgust.

• How many walkouts did they say there were at Sundance?
• I’m 15 minutes into this and I want to walkout into a highway with my eyes closed.
• Elder female was looking at or counting birds eggs in a nest and the alpha took the nest away from her and walked away.
• A young Sasquatch is now breastfeeding while the alpha male looks on.
• I kinda wish there were a version where someone overdubs funny narration or inner monologue for this flick.
• Almost every Bigfoot movie I watched this month gives me a good reason to post the Bigfoot’s Dick clip from Anchorman and here the mother Sasquatch just rubbed her crotch and then smells her fingers. So roll the clip!

• The alpha male just casually walks over to the female with his cock out (I’m not kidding) hoping to get some Wang Dang Sweet Sasquatch Poontang but she tries to get away!
• I swear I think this movie is some sort of weird fetish vanity project made by some freaks.
• You would think a Sasquatch would be more endowed right? You know what they say about men with big feet.

• Just like my wife, the female is annoyed that that alpha (more like beta!) wanted sex.
• One Sasquatch is now scooting on the grass on his ass. Worms or some sort of sex thing?
• Fun fact, the female Sasquatch is played by Elvis Presley’s granddaughter. “We can’t go on forever….with Sasquatchin’ minds!”
• The two younger Sasquatches play and wrestle in the tall grass. Nice.
• The alpha is enjoying sniffing a skunk. Presumedly to get a strong buzz on I can only imagine.
• I’m still not certain which one is Eisenberg. This is a win for me.
• One of them tries a new berry that they found. It seemed to like it and the others join in the feast. Did I not tell you that this movie is fascinating?!
• The alpha then goes over to a nearby bush that also has berries and they presumedly taste better. So much better that he refuses to share! Hope those berries give him the shits all night.
• There ya go, he’s passed out. Those berries must’ve had intoxicating effects. Does this matter? NOPE.
• But now he’s horny again. SUPER HORNY as he sees his mate bending over as she’s making the shelter. Again he’s denied.
• But he then proceeds to destroy the shelter. Not out of spite but because he discovered one of the branches had a dick-sized hole for him to possibly fuck. But again he’s cock-blocked by the others because he destroyed the shelter! Same thing happens to me bro.

• I’m not 100% sure but this movie could be a metaphor for the Trump family. Again, it’s just an educated guess.
• Some random Sasquatch farts. Gotta have those in the movie.
• I feel like I’m watching an old episode of Roseanne. [fix this joke] [Editor: Later, we have time]
• The Alpha then eats some more mushrooms but wouldn’t you know it—it’s magic mushrooms and he goes ape-shit through the forest.
• Clear shot of Sasquatch balls. Then he farts and vomits. David Attenborough never had to observe nature shit like this!
• I should probably mention that the Alpha male is played by one of the film’s two directors. And before you ask, no, they are not known for anything remotely famous. And probably will never make another non-Sasquatch movie ever again.
• The Alpha should’ve been played by Richard Kind. Or better yet: Brian Blessed!

• I can say something positive that the make-up and costumes look superb. Probably the best this whole month for me. It’s too bad it’s wasted on Eisenberg farting in the woods.
• Alpha is taunting a mountain lion that’s in a small cave. As Alpha’s growling at the cat, we clearly see he has an erection. A little something for the ladies ya know?
• Was he planning on fucking that mountain lion or just extremely excited to see that pussy?
• I think they are now making music as they rhythmically bang branches and wooping in harmony.
• I can’t imagine the amount of mind-alerting drugs the filmmakers took while writing this screenplay. There’s no way in heaven or hell that they came up with all this shit sober.
• In what I can only assume is that one of the younger ones just created an imaginary friend by doing a cutesy voice while making the fist hand puppet with its own hand and talking it. This is all pretentious bullshit.

• I’m starting to get Land of the Lost flashbacks watching Cha-Ka grunt and holler like a weird monkey.
• I realize it’s my second Cha-Ka reference this month—Blow me!
• He wanders over and finds his dumb-shit alpha father dead and being eaten by the mountain lion! And excitedly summons over the rest of the family to try to scare off the cat. This movie is sure keeping me on my toes! I don’t know what to expect next!
• So did Alpha try to fuck the mountain lion or not?!
• Why in the universe would a seasoned actor like Jesse Eisenberg wear a Sasquatch costume and act in a movie where he would only mime and grunt like an idiot? I mean, I can’t stand him but I can only imagine that he takes his craft seriously. Did he really think this was edgy or ground-breaking or even acting out of the box sort of thing?

• They buried the father (they’re just like us!) and also left pieces of grass shaped into different ornate shapes (How crafty and ceremonial!)
• What’s the point of making a documentary-style human-acted Sasquatch film if the filmmakers have to make up all this shit in the first place?
• Now it’s Summer. We’re halfway through so I’m assuming about equal time is spent on each season. Yippee.
• They wander around some more. They somehow caught a fish in the lake by throwing rocks into the water (I think—one shot is them throwing heavy rocks and the next the female is holding up a large fish—how else would you explain it?)
• I don’t know what they’re doing now but they are taking turns squirting fish guts or fish eggs into their mouths by squeezing said fish. This is probably the most disgusting movie I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen Cannibal Holocaust and Tootsie!
• Speaking of cross-dressing, why can’t Jesse Eisenberg professional challenge himself in a trans or cross-dressing type of role? Coward!

• The eldest female is still smelling her fingers after scratching her crotch. Is the film trying to tell us something?
• The mom is trying to tell the kids something and she’s even making them smell her fingers now.
• Jesse Eisenberg seems either confused or buzzed from the odor. Make of this what you will.
• I can’t believe it took me this long but this film is one long gag. Like this is all a big joke right?! Like I should be laughing at how absurd this flick is.
• Fuck. ING. HELL. Yeah so, Jesse is now a Man-Squatch because he is now sporting a boner after smelling the vaginal odor of his mother.
• He then proudly goes to show his mom and brother and the mom goes ape-shit on him. Probably thought he was going to try to hump her. Can I stop this now? Its half over and I have a very educated opinion to give a final score now.
• Oh no….They find a tree with a large red X on it! Maybe they’re start using tools like the apes in 2001.
• Or maybe they’ll start making X’es everywhere thinking a god put it there and they should worship the deity’s icon.
• They wandered to the highway! I feel like their luck is about to change!

• They are freaking out standing on the road looking at the long road going in each way.
• Jesse then starts pissing on the road. Then his younger brother. Then his mom squats and starts pissing. This movie has it all!
• They’re not done! The mom pisses so much she starts shitting, then Jesse starts shitting, the mom starts lactating and spraying milk out of breasts on the road!
• I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS SHIT UP! I COULDN’T BE THIS WEIRD OR HILARIOUS EVEN WITH LARGE AMOUNTS OF NARCOTICS OR MAGIC BEING INVOLVED. LOOK==>

• I’m not quite sure if I’m in a sound mental state because it think this movie is starting to grow on me.
• This is easily Jesse Eisneberg’s best role to date. He should make more of these.
• If you got to this point without falling asleep you have to be some sort of super powers or are just as insane as this film.
• While drinking at the lake, the mom notices a large log also with a red X on it!

• I’m kinda happy that this dumb movie exists and that it sucks so bad. Kinda validates my opinion on Jesse Eisenberg. Little pretentious shit. (He’s also credited as Producer)
• Here’s one of my favorite Eisenberg stories:

• Sweet Jesus, he’s more awful than I imagined! From the same article:

• Yeah, he’s not my cup o’tea as an actor or a person. Sorry dude.
• OK that was gross enough, now back to the Sasquatch flick.
• Jesse is wasting time grunt-counting the rings of the log with the X on it. Meanwhile his mom is having some sort of medical issue; possibly pregnant by the way she’s rubbing her tummy. Either that or extremely bad gas.
• Jesse is having fun balancing on the floating log.
• I’m not sure what’s happening now. I think somehow, however unlikely it logically is, that when Jesse fell off the log, the log rolled over on his legs pinning him down and he’s struggling to remove it because his head is dangerously close to the water line.
• Yup, that’s it, and now his mom is struggling to get the log off. But she makes it worse and he’s close to being completely in the water, struggling to breath.
• DIE! DIE! DIE! Sorry.
• Not sorry.

• These Sasquatches are having a real tough summer. I can’t imagine how they made it this far in life being this fucking stupid.

 Wow. I was joking when I said DIE but the movie actually let him die a sad and horrible death. Bravo and thank you!
• So bold to kill off the star of the film mid-way through. Just like Psycho!
• Funny thing is, his rotting corpse is pinned under that log so whenever a human goes back for the log or whatever they will discover a half decomposed Sasquatch body.
• Never mind, The current moved the log and freed the body and the brother and mom had to chase off birds pecking at his flesh when it drifted to the lakeshore.
• Another sad and sudden Sasquatch funeral. So much tragedy for this family.
• Awwww. The brother is hugging his mom. See! They have emotions, they’re just like us!
• The two Sasquatches stumble onto a bright orange tent and camp site in the woods one autumn day. Come to think of it, it would be somewhat interesting to have a movie where the “myth” of human man is seen from the Sasquatch’s perspective. I don’t know if the rest of the movie will maybe go in this direction but it could be interesting.

• They found the human’s food. Specifically the candy! The young male is enjoying NERDS especially.
• Candy Fucking Buttons?! I don’t know who’s more savage, the Sasquatches or these people who snack on Candy Buttons?!
• The mom discovers a boombox and is now listening to Erasure?! Of all the musical choices! Is this flick set in 1988?
• And it’s a cassette mix tape….what friggin’ year is this set in? Unless that camp has been abandoned for over 25 years.
• They both seem either mortified or ecstatic at what they’re hearing. Same happened to me the first time I heard “Chains of Love”.
• The boy is holding up 6 twizzlers in his hand as he stands motionless with his mom listening to Erasure. Typical Erasure show.
• By mid-way through the song, they regain their senses and throw the boombox to the ground. It’s amazing it took them this long to hate Erasure. And now they continue the frenzy by destroying the whole camp site.

• Wait until they hear Depeche Mode, then they’d know about real pain and suffering.
• The boy throws a frisbee at his mother and she gets startled so much that her water breaks.
• Uh-oh the mountain lion is back. Once they get the taste for Sasquatch flesh there’s no turning back.
• Oh gee! I get to watch a Sasquatch baby being born. Jealous yet readers?!
• Well, that was more disgusting than I imagined.
• I wonder what Elvis would say if he was alive to know that his granddaughter starred in a Bigfoot movie where she had to distract a mountain lion by throwing her placenta at it.

• OK. I’ve had enough. Stop the ride! I want to get off!
• Winter already? I know Jim already used the Monty Python Holy Grail changing seasons clip this month but it’s too perfect not to use in this review.

• Now they found a chicken coop in the woods with one chicken. Mom checks it out and they take it with them.
• Why are they wandering around all this time? I thought the movie established that they make shelters earlier in the movie. Did the Alpha only have that technological know-how.
• Yeah, Junior, stay away from that bear-trap you dumb sonuvabitch!
• You would think they would come across dozens of bear-traps in the woods and they should know what they are.
• Oh now they’re building a shelter. Took them long enough you dumb beasts.
• Shit. The baby died. Way to bum me out movie!
• Oh wait, the mom shook it violently back to life somehow. Whew.
• 10 minutes left and I sure hope this movie toes up all these loose fucking ends!
• The kid is still talking to his puppet hand.

• Maybe the young boy Sasquatch has The Shining power and his hand is Tony warning him of impending doom. REDRUM!
• I’ll give this flicks another positive remark: The cinematography is great. I just wish it was in a better movie. It makes me want to watch the The Deer Hunter or Last of the Mohicans again.
• I’m hoping this flick has an Easy Rider ending and both Sasquatches get shot to death by some wandering hunter.
• It makes little sense that this family Sasquatches would be wandering around like nomads in the forest. Why would they wander around and not make a shelter, especially in the winter? My only guess is they are always nomadic and with the Alpha Male gone it’s harder to settle down. Christ, I’m actually rationalizing this flick.
• Also they are witnessing forest fires in the distance and looking concerned about it. 
• Maybe this film tis set in a human apocalypse and we are wiped out and the only survivors are these 3 Sasquatches and various woodland creatures. That would be an interesting ending, if true. Dammit! Why am I helping this movie?
• The film its highlighting more human-made stuff like powerlines and buildings. Not sure exactly where this is going other than living like a Sasquatch is better. No arguments there. Did you read all the fun they were having earlier?!
• They wandered to a parking lot and see a wooden sign carved to look like a Sasquatch and they are trying to communicate with it.
• It’s a Bigfoot museum!

• Apparently this film takes place in Willow Creek!
• Fin. Bravo. A pure Cinematic Masterpiece. Thank you.

Final Thoughts: Problem is I really don’t know how to approach this flick. I don’t quite understand what the point of it is. Now I’ve watched 2 pseudo-documentaries set in the 70s about Bigfoot and they approached the subject from the perspective of man searching out the truth about the myths. This one was a pseudo-documentary with 4 humans dressed-up as Sasquatches and playing with themselves in the forest. Everything they do is all a guess to what this mythical creature would act in the woods. I’m assuming it’s not to be taken too seriously—Fine, but it wasn’t funny unless you think a few Sasquatches shitting on an empty road is humorous—to each his own. But I’m torn if this was intentionally made to be all-comedy since they got serious dramatic actors (sorta) in this flick. If it was an all-out stoner/gross-out comedy you would think they would get comedians in the role. Again, this film is mystifying in its concept and approach. If given the right mood and atmosphere this flick is comedy gold. But I went in thinking it’s maybe somewhat serious. When I rewatched some scenes while making videos and screen caps I did find myself kinda chuckling at some of the performances—especially of the youngest Bigfoot. The scene with them listening to Erasure is actually funny now to me.

I already saw one stoned out Sasquatch movie and that movie worked because it was made to be stupid on purpose. I’m not quite sure the intent with this movie. It looked great and the make-up/costumes were fantastic but completely wasted in this sort of film. I know I’m biased because I can’t stand Eisenberg but I tend to be fair with my reviews. I didn’t joke too much in most of my notes above; most of the notes were me just literally telling you what’s happening on screen and how absurd it is. Now I like a good absurdist comedy as much as the next fella but I’m still torn if this flick was made with complete humorous intentions. I’d tell you to be your own judge but I do not, under any circumstances, recommend this movie because it’s a more or less a complete waste of time.

Score: 1 Glory Hole Fit For a Very Horny Sasquatch Dad (out of 10)