Bigfoot vs. Zombies (2016)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A Bigfoot fights some zombies. Look, I don’t want to give too much away here.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• All rise! Today we’ll hear the case of Bigfoot v. Zombies. Honorable Judge Hardticket is residing.
• Oh no. The Polonia Brothers!! I should be running for the hills right fucking now.
• Location Manager: Alan Wyoming. Was Howard Colorado not available?
• In case you fine readers aren’t aware of the Polonia Brothers, let me just say that for almost 40 years, they are responsible for some of the worst schlock imaginable like Splatter Farm, NightThirst, Empire of the Apes and this year’s Jurassic Exorcist. Me and Brian attempted to watch Feeders one time and couldn’t even get 12 minutes into it.
• Lady nature photographer in the woods can’t hear Bigfoot’s growling a mere 5 yards away.
• WYOMING COUNTY BODY FARM. Body farm? I don’t know what a body farm is but it must be important since there’s armed guards.
• The Body farm is chock full of dead folk! So is that why it’s called a Body Farm?
• I’m safely assuming that all these people died while watching old Polonia Bros. movies.
• Some yokel in overalls just dumped a barrel of what I’m assuming is toxic waste somewhere around the Body Farm!
• Young lady working in a lab (she’s wearing a white coat) is looking at animated photos of half-naked men on her computer. She’s talking to the man and saying she’s going to remove his pants before her supervisor, Dr. Peele strolls in.
• Nice jump cut!
• “Let’s put them [cadavers] in Sector K this time. Out by the shed and utility barn.” Because that’s how they roll on the Body Farm!
• Kinda wish I was listening to Spinal Tap‘s Sex Farm right about now.

• Now on the road is two good ol’ boys driving 2 dead bodies to the Body Farm. I don’t know how or why or where they got these stiffs. They could’ve killed them earlier that day and the Body Farm will take them no questions asked.
• The one fella driving explains that the Body Farm is a place where they train forensics experts. So yeah, they leave out various dead bodies and people training try to figure out how they died, etc. Apparently, Body Farms are a real thing and there are 8 in the US currently. Who knew?!
• I cannot believe this movie actually taught me something new.
• Again, it’s kinda odd these two jokers are driving around 2 corpses in a beat up van.
• Oh no, the Body Farm cadavers are waking up and hungry for brains! (They aren’t going to find any good ones in this movie I can tell you that)
• Nature photographer lady is being watched by a zombie. Not sure how Bigfoot left her alone earlier. Maybe she don’t smell so good?
• As she spends some time taking selfies, a zombie attacks her from behind. I really thought she’d survive! Saved by Bigfoot perhaps? No? Oh well.
• What is the point of this security guard giving the good ol’ boys in the van with the two dead people a hard time? He literally knows them on a first name basis.
• Which brings up a good question. How many 
“cadavers” do these Good Ol’ Boys bring to this Body Farm?!
• The security guard won’t let them in until the driver gives him porn. However, the porn is a Xerox print-out that’s been crudely stapled together. It’s called “Jugz and Thugs” and has what seems to be a ninja on the cover. Sorry, I should’ve broken up this note into smaller notes because I’m sure you’re laughing too hard and missing what I’m writing.

• That was a “bribe” according to the new guy.
• This movie was made in 2016 and it’s a hot contender for worse thing to happen that dreaded year. It’s in the Top 5 easily.
• Another awkward jump cut?! This time it cut off the yokel in overalls mid-sentence.

• So Yokel is telling Dr. Peele that some dead bodies are missing and he assumes it’s animals. Dr. Peele says that nothing is supposed to get in the perimeter. But the perimeter is nothing more than a flimsy chainlink fence with one security guard! Any number of animals, insects, vagrants and Necrophiliacs could get in there if they really wanted to. Hell, what’s stopping a turkey vulture from swooping in and feasting away?
• Hahahahahaha. ANOTHER awkward jump cut mid-sentence. How high was the editor on this?
• Some zombies are so obviously fake because they are literally wearing Spirit of Halloween masks. One almost resembles Karloff’s Frankenstein monster.

• The van is “acting up.” The film had to have the van stop for some reason for them to be attacked by the wandering zombies. This was the best, and frankly, the only reason.
• Also according to the main good ol’ boy, cell phones don’t work in there either.
• Hahahahahaha. The “mechanics” are wiping this here, tightening this there, tightening that over there, taking this back up, it covers the hole it should be alright. And that should do it, van’s up a running again!
• When there’s no more room on the Body Farm, the dead will walk the Earth…very slowly and be mostly ignored by the dipshit humans.
• Actually, some of these zombies aren’t walking at all but just standing, trying to maintain balance. Kinda like me at 2:00am drunk off my ass at a Dave & Busters.

• When the good ol’ boys bring the van to the main lab, Renee (the pervy girl on the computer earlier) greets them with Yokel and tells them to bring the bodies inside. Someone asks for a stretcher but Yokel quips: “What’s the matter, afraid to get your hands dirty?” Well these are dead bodies in plastic trash bags, fuck yeah I am afraid to get my hands dirty. I’d feel safer brushing my teeth using the puddle of water on the floor of a truck-stop restroom.
• Yet, more awkward jump cuts. I feel like I’m having a seizure or something.
• The younger Good Ol’ Boy is named Ed. The other one is named Stu. I’m only telling you this so I can stop typing Good Ol’ Boys.
• Hell yeah, I need a receipt for these damn corpses! These corpses are tax-deductible!
• Dr. Peele is injecting the new bodies with some formula that Yokel (Andy) explains is supposed to rapidly decompose the dead tissue. Dr. Peele says that because of his formula, they continue to stay in business and it further funds his side projects. That makes no sense as I believe he’s making this formula secretly. And wouldn’t altering the decomposing times fuck with the point of the Body Farm and the people using it for forensic training?
• Enter Duke Larson. He’s rough. He’s tough. He’s Kenough. Seriously, he looks like a cross between a washed-up ex-football coach and Rhys Darby. In other words if they ever made a Hulk Hogan-has-to-hide-from-bad-guys-in-a-gay-bath-house kind of situational comedy.

• If you already didn’t guess, Bigfoot slipped into Duke Larson’s Jeep Wrangler without him noticing while the security guard was clearing Duke for clearance into the Body Farm.
• When we think of Bigfoot we typically think of huge hairy beast right? This movie has one fit in the back of a 2-door Jeep with other corpses as well.
• “ANY OF YOU PENCIL-NECKS KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND DOCTOR PEELE!!!???!” Dude!! Duke, why are you yelling? Try to calm the ‘roid rage down, will ya?
• Ed has got to be the one of the worst actors I’ve ever witnessed.
• Stu is popping some pills in a Ziplock bag. Immediately after taking one he sees a zombie and the Bigfoot and automatically assumes that the pills are some really good shit. Surprised there wasn’t a shot of him looking back and forth at the zombies and the pills and rubbing his eyes in disbelief. But then again I highly doubt the Polonia’s have ever seen this common cliche before.
• Ed then says he shouldn’t be taking the pills on work time he can get fired. So they are working for someone else bringing dead bodies in their own van to the Body Farm?
• Seeing as this is technically my first Polonia Brothers feature I’m not sure of their nudity policy. So I’m not sure if we’ll see Renee naked any time soon. I’ll definitely keep you posted.
• However, they’ve disappointed me so much so far that there’s no chance these idiots deliver those kind of goods.
• Zombie is somehow outside the main gate where the Security guard barks at him telling him that “he’s not supposed to be here!” However, he’s outside the gate, so legally he’s fine.

• Anyway, the guard opens the gate to confront the zombie and slowly realizes that he is in fact a zombie.
• Guard was about to say something like “You folks…” before another awkward jump cut cut his sentence off hilariously as the next cut the guard is overtaken by the surrounding zombies. I dunno, maybe this movie is supposed to be inept on purpose.
• Well that’s a first for me. One zombie rips open the guards jacket to tear out what is most obviously a handkerchief sopping wet with fake blood and then pretends to eat it pretending that it’s flesh.
• Wait a minute. I thought Dr. Peele called Duke Larson to help but this conversation sounds like Duke is being interviewed for the job. Anyway, Duke’s got the job to hunt down any animals that might be taking the corpses.
• What type of lightning sound effect was that??!!
• Renee insults Duke Larson by calling him Steroid-head. Normally I’d chuckle at such a nom de plume but Duke clearly is ingesting only donuts and Mountain Dew to get his peak physical form.
• “Everyone’s trying to hit on me. Except you. You’re polite and respectful. And not always trying to get down my pants.” “Don’t think that hasn’t crossed my mind. You’re cute as a button!” John Hughes—eat your heart out!
• Dr. Peele talks to himself as if he doesn’t know himself. In fact he talks to himself as if he doesn’t respect himself.
• The security guard is already a zombie. Damn that was quick.
• Stoned Stu wanders into a barn and promptly gets attacked by zombies.
• If the van is a-rockin’ don’t come a-knockin’!
• Extended montage of Duke Larson tracking in the woods.

• There was about 6 awkward jump cuts in quick succession which leads me to believe it was done on purpose to convey confusion for Andy, who thinks someone stole the two dead bodies from his truck. But these other jump cuts weren’t done for “artistic” reasons so I’m really not 100% sure Andy’s jump cuts were done on purpose.
• The biggest factor that I think these jump cuts are mistakes is the score is affected; in other words when there’s a cut, the whole film—soundtrack, dialogue, movements—are all suddenly cut and disjointed in the next cut. It’s annoying and jarring to say the least.
• I mean, the Polonia Brothers have made over 90 feature-length films (Jesus FUCKING Christ!) AND edited most of those—how are they still making such amateurish errors?!?!
• I love how these employees at the Body Farm just handle the bodies with their bare hands with no safety equipment, no HAZMAT suits, no gloves, NOTHING!
• Andy is attacked and killed. Hope you didn’t grow too attached to him.
• I can’t believe Renee had that little self-esteem to want to hump Ed. Not only that but they’re making plans to shag later that evening. IF THEY LIVE!!
• Stu was about to make a meal out of Renee but finally Bigfoot decided to do something in this movie.
• Bigfoot wrestles Stu away from Renee, practically crushes his skull before throwing Stu on the ground and stomping his head and crushing his skull. It would’ve been an awesome effect but they covered his head/face with a blood splatter effect.
• Bigfoot has the hots for Renee. Despite all these jump cuts.
• Hahahaha. All the zombies are slowly lumbering towards Bigfoot and he’s just pushing them away.

• Ed assumed that Renee and Dr. Peele have their own vehicles but alas, both of them carpooled with Andy. Womp Womp.
• 2 miles to the front gate!!! I’m sorry, but I don’t think this whole Body Farm is 2 miles in diameter. I doubt it’s 200 yards in diameter.
• After Suburban Sasquatch, this Bigfoot’s costume has to be the second worst for me this month.
• Duke is warning the zombified security guard not to move any closer to him to he’ll shoot. So he shoots the guard in the head and he goes down. Duke then says, “I’ll blow you head off!” A. He already did shoot him in the head and B. His head was not blown off.
• Duke’s now having fun taking down zombies. I identify with Duke in this instance.
• “Maybe his broom sweeps both ways” is a new and unique way to say bisexual. Thanks Duke!
• Hahahahahahahaha. One clever zombie poured gasoline onto Duke’s car (gasoline that looks very much like water by the way) and then another zombie lights a road flare making Duke’s Jeep explode in the best explosion the Polonia Bros. could buy with the money they had saved not hiring a professional film editor.
• So the zombies can figure out to make a car explode but they can’t get into this lab that every door is a glass door?
• Renee is waxing poetic about the mental state of the zombies comparing them to us and I’m 90% sure this dialogue is ripped from another zombie movie or TV show.
• Andy’s back and for some reason, he can still communicate despite being undead. Is he saying anything substantial? Nope. Mostly begging for Duke to kill him. When Duke refuses, Andy bites his arm.
• Jesus tap-dancing Christ. Andy sprays himself with some serum (it may have been the same that made the dead be zombies—I dunno!) and he starts to melt like the Wicked Witch. Besides the smoke, they added an effect that makes the image ripple like its underwater. Short cut later and there’s a pile of Andy in liquid form on the ground.
• I like how the putrid smell of Bigfoot is a major trait to the myth despite no one actually really encountered the beast.

• This Bigfoot is about 5’8” by the way.
• So now Renee, Ed, Dr. Peele and Duke are helping the Bigfoot inside the lab. Ed just offered the beast breath mints.
• Duke just changed to a zombie and Bigfoot easily takes him down. Can you feel the tension!!
• Instead of trying to escape or get a plan made to get out of there, Ed, Renee and Peele are just watching Bigfoot take down a horde of the undead and cheering him on.
• Could they at least make sure that Bigfoot’s costume doesn’t show the human skin underneath?!
• Bigfoot was apparently bitten by a zombie at some point. So there potentially could be a zombie Bigfoot in the near future. But I’m not getting my hopes up that the Polonia Bros. could do a decent job with that idea. Hell, I bet all the tea in China that this idea never even is materialized.
• Peele is freaking out and taking Renee hostage and is looking for a way out. Not sure what his grand plan is. Maybe he has a concept of a plan.
• Peele gets ambushed by a zombie and instead of helping him, Renee and Ed leave him to be killed. I mean, he was a dick but letting him die violently like that? That’s just cold.
• They find Andy’s pick-up and make a run for it. Shucks, no keys though. Renee suggests Ed could hot wire it. Ed says “I’ll sure as hell try!” That’s the gung-ho spirit my lad!
• I’m still befuddled by all the fucking jump cuts. I don’t think you can realize without watching how annoying and jarring it is to one’s brain, trying to watch a movie and having it spliced and cut so terribly.
• Like there’s probably 10 minutes at least of cut footage that’s supposed to be in the movie.
• Nice. As they leave (Ed must’ve been successful hot wiring the truck) Bigfoot swats one of the zombie’s head splattering it all over the screen.
• Renee and Ed are having a blast seeing their new friend, Bigfoot, enjoying himself riding in the back of a pick-up truck. It’s good to see such a happy ending for the big lug.

• Unfortunately he’s a mythical creature and belongs in the wilderness so they have to say good-bye.
• But wait! As Bigfoot walks away, he’s then swarmed by more zombies. And of course, Renee and Ed are completely taken by surprise at this scenario happening.
• So they both take some garden tools and start attacking the zombies and helping Bigfoot. That’s fucking TEAMWORK!!

• Now the flick is ending on a dour note as we slowly watch Bigfoot amble around the woods until we also meet a new character, some douche with a rifle, who just shoots Bigfoot and then is “jump scared”/attacked when he approaches the fallen beast.
• Holy fucking shit. Even the fucking credits have awkward jump cuts. Fuck the Polonia Bros.

Final Thoughts: In the spirit of this piece of garbage, my review should’ve just cut mid-way and just jump to my Final Thoughts, save me and you a whole lot of precious time. Anyway, yeah, the Polonia Brothers. I’m assuming they followed the Edward D. Wood Jr. school of filmmaking. They are not good. In fact they downright stink if I can give them my 2-cents. I really don’t want to chat more about them or this movie if I’m being honest. My notes say enough. This film will be hard to beat for the worst entry of mine this year. I still have 2 to go but I can’t imagine they could be worse. I mean, all those other flicks weren’t edited by Helen Keller, so they automatically have a leg up on Bigfoot vs. Zombies. I’m graciously giving this “film” (I’m slowly & cautiously putting the gun down) a 1 even though it sure as shit deserves a 0.0 because I didn’t have that strong of a desire to slit my throat while watching it. Fix the jump cuts/continuity errors and maybe I’ll bump it up to a 1.5.

Score: 1 Worn Out Smudged Copy of Jugz and Thugz (out of 10)