Schlocktoberfest XIV – Day 21: Why Would Anyone Want To Kill A Nice Girl Like You?

What are we doing for the 4th tomorrow? Yeah, I figured barbecuing but what else? Going to see Empire is a good option. We’ll see what happens, it usually rains on the 4th anyways.

So what is this movie besides a dumb question?

Why Would Anyone Want To Kill A Nice Girl Like You? (AKA Taste of Excitement) (1970)

The Whole Shebang:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Either one of the unluckiest women you have ever seen, or some sort of memory loss spy thing.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

More commonly known as Taste of Excitement for you aficionados out there. It was just an extra Google search so no biggie.
Very “Bond” opening: driving in Europe, flute-heavy jazz playing – you get the general idea.
Someone’s trying to run this woman off the road. I wonder what she did.
This opening theme has some savage fucking drums. Moon, Bonham, Taylor, Peart and Copeland be praised.
Seems the entire opening credits were still pictures instead of letting the camera run to make it, I don’t know, a moving picture?
Here come the Rush references.
This is the second time this car tried to run her off the road – she must be a really bad driver. Dumb broad.
Asking every driver of a white Mercedes in France if they ever killed anybody is truly an inhuman amount of legwork, but a damn good way to rule out the suspects.
That hotel does have one helluva view. Golly.
This shrink looks like a total creep.
Ashtrays on tables in a public restaurant. Sorry if that was triggering to all you pussies out there.
Ms. Kerrell here doesn’t seem to mind the heights. Even when asked if she’s ever tried to kill herself, she harshly stares over the edge of the cliff.
She’s now getting obscene phone calls from baboons and dolphins. Whoa.
More loud animals. Wonderful. They must all know throughout the zoo that she’s a real go’er.
All of these apes are screaming at her and not one of them yells, “Man has no understanding!’
This shrink is no Dr. Loomis.

That fucking Starmaster game is almost impossible to finish.
We’re gonna have to start keeping score I think. So far that’s two attempted off-roads, death by baboon, and almost being run over.
Those wacky French think a snifter of cognac solves just about everything.
Jesus, Paul here goes from hating her, to hitting on her, to scared of her, and back in the span of ten seconds.
She doesn’t like your art, she doesn’t want the brandy, forget this bitch Paul – get the hint.
Someone now sabotaged the railing of Jane’s balcony. Who is this bitch?
So Paul’s way of making a move on a lady is by saying please stay with me at my hotel, you’ll be safe there but I’m an artist, and do not ever disturb me. Who is this douche?
Jane truly is batshit crazy. Now she’s maneuvering her car across a cliff side that is barely thew width of her car. Sunlight on chrome, the blur of the landscape, every nerve aware!
A really well photographed stunt for such a crap budget.
Even the bad guy chasing her was cheering along her stunt and seemed happy that she made it safe to the other side. Who’s this fucking guy now?
I guess this is the production’s way of trying to sell Minis in Europe.
This Italian James Mason is the worst protagonist ever.
You know it’s always serious when the bad guys develop their own photographs.
Really terrible Italian VO guy is in cahoots with the bullshit shrink. Who, I say who saw that coming.

If I couldn’t beat Starmaster, what makes you think I can beat Space Cavern?
Jane’s going for a swim. I guess we can add attempted shark attack to the tote board now?
Jane looks rather fetching in a hot pink late sixties one-piece.
I hope we get to see more of that hot ‘lil blonde number in the picture.
A secretary calling on the behalf of an Herr Beiber. Hmmm. I think this is the 5th, no the breaking of the 6th seal.
Always take the drink when offered at a business meeting. Christ, what are you religious?
I knew the photos the paisan took were gonna haunt Paul.
Five attempts on your life = a job offer in this country. Who are these fucking people, Spectre?
German pushing around the French? Say it ain’ t so.
This kraut motherfucker’s ring tone is the baboon scream. Put his face right in the ark will ya?
Paisan’s back and his drink is the same color as his shirt.
Are we gonna get some clues as to what the flying fuckaroony is up with Jane anytime soon?
I gotta find out if this hotel still exists.
Paul can add his sniper attack to the tote board.
Weeeellll, looks like Jane took a trip through the Red Door at Elizabeth Arden.
I am not rooting for these two in the slightest.
Scotland Yard is now involved. For fuck’s sake.
Did the writer understand that if none of the characters know what the fuck is going on, neither will the audience?
Paul is a total cuckold. Christ – it’s just his big snake Reggie, show a little backbone will ya?
One cigarette makes Jane remember everything? Talk about Proust’s Madeleines.
Scotland Yard Inspectors have never heard of the phrase, “No thank you, I’m on duty.”
This better have one helluva twist ending to redeem this mess.
Worst tease of a love scene ever.

That was weird, I was just thinking about Bigfoot. That show hasn’t been on TV for like three years too.
It seems Paul wants to suffer from persistent blue balls rather than get involved with Jane.
Is it a felony to say, “Bottom” to a C.I. in France?
An illegal search and siege of Anne’s car would not be admissible in the states, even though that’s how Berkowitz was caught but never mind.
Bugger me! Being admonished by a Scotland Yard official makes you feel like you broke the Headmaster’s favorite teapot in your Mum’s parlor.
Jane’s trying the bikini approach again much to the delight of the creep that watched her cross the cliff from before.
I really have no idea what’s going on.
Every fucking murder in this movie has been off screen.
Is this a spy movie? A murder mystery? What?
If we paid to shoot in this hotel’s area we’re gonna shoot it!
Again with the sniper.
What caliber of bullet is it that makes you spin like Baryshnikov on impact?
This ridiculousness is based on a novel in a series of adventures about Paul. So be on the lookout for the action-packed thriller, Paul Hedley: License To Say, “What The Devil Is Going On Here?”
Paul and Jane have the exact same sexual tension as Donny and Marie had.
Almost every character is in this casino room right now. If it exploded directly into the end credits, would you mind? I wouldn’t.
The Italian Mandalorian is hitting on Paul, let’s all face facts.
This movie is 25 minutes too long.
Add attempted kidnapping by the fake shrink to the tote board.
Incompetent police, incompetent criminals – no one takes pride in their work anymore.
All things aside, this is a beautifully shot film.

Dude, we are so getting tickets when they come around for the next album. Signals or something like that, I read it in Hit Parader.
Paul utilizes the seldom used, throw her clothes on the camera lens because we’re about to have sex optical effect.
My kingdom for a nude scene. Nice ass Jane, please and thank you.
Jane packed a lot of swim suits for this…whatever this is. I dunno.
Finally, a successful kidnapping of Jane. Who had 23 minutes left in the film? The pot was up to $75.
That actor really proved he could run and chew gum at the same time.
How can there be a series of thrillers about Paul? He’s no Bond, he’s no Buckaroo Banzai; Hell he’s no Remo Williams for that matter.
There was a note in Jane’s car’s air filter? From who? WTF?

Bigfoot again. Deja vu.
Paul couldn’t have at least brought a gun? How boring were those fucking books he was in?
Mandlorian Italiano really likes playing with the electric fence, ironic foreshadowing I trust.
Thank the Elder Gods, the police.
Now we got truth serum to add to the tote board as well. Ya gotta give it up for Jane, the gal never disappoints.
Holy Evander Holyfield is Paul’s fight hilarious. Keep an eye out for that kick that doesn’t even come close to landing.
There’s no appeal even in Paul’s bungling of things, it could at least have a comedic element to it if it worked.
The secretary is the true muscle behind the kraut? Guess so, she shoots Herr Bieber dead. One down.
The cop Paul beat the snot out of grabs the electric fence. Two down.
After that stupid stunt, I want to shoot Jane myself. And she got Paul wounded. Bad form indeed.
James “Big Balls” Bond would have either destroyed or commandeered that helicopter by now.
This rescue is going as smoothly as a recent event that if I made a joke about it, I would get kicked out of Tenacious D.
Now Jane’s the Manchurian Candidate? Will this just end please.
I was hoping Paul would shoot Mando Italiano.
They arrest the secretary and Paul paints Jane nude. What happened in the last hour and a half?
Who was Jane? Was it the paper in the air filter they were looking for? I can’t see it in her eyes, I can’t see it in her smile. The meaning of this movie is all I ever wanted, and my arms are open wide. Whew – went way too Lionel Ritchie there I apologize.
And who were “they” now that I mention it.
Why was she…what did the…you know what? Fuck it.

Well, that truly sucked. If Empire is sold out tomorrow, we’re gonna go see this.