Suburban Sasquatch (2004)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: It’s about a Sasquatch. In the Suburbs man!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• I know Red Letter Media already covered this flick and how Cromdamned awful it is but I just had to watch this for myself. Because I absolutely hate myself.
• Jesus Fucking Christ! It’s an hour and forty fucking minutes long?!?! WHHHHYYYYYYYY!!!!
• Loving the hip state-of-the-art CGI credits of names on trees.
• Nice green filter day for night effect!
• Girlfriend is complaining about driving all this way in the wilderness for a party. They’re practically already there and now she’s bitchin’?! Has she been complaining this whole trip?
• Should I even bother asking what just happened? I mean a few cuts before some furry blur dashed across their car, we saw the Sasquatch watching the car drive past it.
• And if it was a Sasquatch dashing past their car, how did they not see this massive creature?!
• I believe it’s day for night since the colors are muted. But the car’s headlights are not on. But seriously, I really shouldn’t even bother nitpicking this shit otherwise this review will be War & Peace length.
• Hahahahaha. Now the Sasquatch is in front of the car and attacks them with his hilarious growling. Which is more adorable than anything.
• BONES FLYING!!
• BLOOD SPURTING!!!


• SASQUATCH TITS BOUNCING!!

• Seriously, is this supposed to be a female Sasquatch or just some Bigfoot with a terrible dad bod?
• Mock that eagle flying effect all you want, it still looks better than any of the bird effects in Birdemic.
• I’m assuming this old white man is supposed to be an Indian Shaman or something. The girl he’s blessing looks more Indian-Indian than Native American-Indian.
• The shaman, I think, is played by Paul Sorvino.
• I refuse to pay close attention to this dreck but I believe he’s making his granddaughter go forth and defeat the Sasquatch.

Here’s $3200 and now I have to turn my back on you.

• Did that guy pick his clothes out of a cooler in his small apartment?
• Police officer at the Sasquatch crime scene: “Man. These poor kids. Jeez. We have to let their parents know.”
• I also love how this dopey cop has his pistol in his hand this whole time. He’s giving off major Lieutenant Harper from Plan 9 From Outer Space vibes.
• The other cop is either convulsing with fear or having a small orgasm at the sight of the Sasquatch foot print.
• ACTORS!
• ACTING!!!
• “That’s not a typical homicide!” Alrighty!
• So earlier the dopey cop called this Rick guy to the crime scene but now he’s being forced away by the other cop while the dopey cop isn’t saying a word.
• LEVITTOWN USA! When they say SUBURBAN, they picked the archetypical suburb!
• You can say that this flick is a completely botched piece of shit until you’re blue in the face but at least this Sasquatch is going around maiming people every few minutes.
• Hahahaha. Two fishermen. One went to investigate a horrible smell and gets attacked by Sasquatch. While this is happening his friend is watching and calling out “Dave!” like he’s lost in the woods when Dave is practically right behind him.
• HAHAHAHAHA. Sasquatch rips Dave’s arm out his socket (Like Chewbacca, this is a common way for this Sasquatch to dispatch his victims so far) and throws the arm at the other fella, who just so happens to die from that.

• I have a few more movies to go but this obviously wins the worst Bigfoot costume/make-up competition.
• I’m trying my best to completely ignore the dialogue in this flick.
• Rick is getting reemed by his Editor-in-Chief who doesn’t believe his cockamamie story nor gives him any extra time to research this killer in the woods story.
• Also of note is that it’s only Rick and the Editor-in-Chief in this publishing office.
• And by publishing office, I mean school classroom made to look like it could be something sort of looking like a bare-minimum effort to resemble a publishing office.
• Little boy almost gets attacked by the Sasquatch and the kid runs to tell his mom who doesn’t believe her son. “Monsters aren’t real like the Boogeyman; Or your father—they’re not really there.” LOL
• Mom then spots the Sasquatch about to attack little Timmy and she goes to defend her and her son with a broom. Sasquatch then chokes her and slaps her across the face and carries her away.
• Oh. That fisherman that I thought was killed by Dave’s arm just woke up after floating in the riverbank face-down for a whole day. Glad he’s alright.
• For some reason, he then wanders deeper into the forest instead of calling the police or something.
• He locates a cave and inside is Timmy’s mom. Fisherman just shines a light on her with his flashlight until he hears the dumb Sasquatch howls. For some reason Timmy’s Mom doesn’t move or try to escape but is just frantically calling out for her son.
• This is a good example of a movie I wish AI had actually made.
• The Indian girl has a bow and arrow and running around in fuzzy Uggs around the forest.

It’s Hawk(tuah)-Eye (I know! I’m sorry!)

• Wait a minute. Did Bigfoot just literally disappear while two ladies are hiking near him? Does he have cloaking capabilities like the Predator? Or was that some sort of editing error? With this flick, both are possible.
• The movie will show a thrown severed limb like an arm in one shot and then show the victim still having both arms attached. This is the level of schlock that I’m watching folks.
• Was that a fucking NERF arrow?!
• No, actually it was CGI.
• Rick is now having lunch with a friend in a restaurant that is obviously only open to film just these two dudes in this scene. Extras? Fuck! That!
• Suburban Nature Park?
• Part of the reason Rick wants to dig deeper into this story is because there’s a whole dumb subplot about the local cops trying to keep the killings a secret.
• Dopey cop gives Rick his sidearm for protection. Cops always do the nicest things for people.
• While in his squad car talking to the other cop, Dopey cop gets attacked by Sasquatch who is strong enough to not only lift the squad car but throw it as well! And when I tell you how awesome the CGI squad car being tossed aside is, hoo boy, you better believe awesome is NOT the right word.

• Hahahaha. Next shot, the squad car is back in its original location.
• The Sasquatch vanished into thin air again! He has a superpower!
• I just don’t know if he’s invisible or he teleported to somewhere else.
• The musical score right now is just some drummer lightly tapping a cymbal in 2/4 time. Believe me, it’s way more distracting than you think it sounds.
• Sasquatch is now throwing CGI boulders at some random lady’s house!
• The lady is saved by Indian Girl who shoots Sasquatch with an arrow from 10 feet away!
• He vanished again!
• Sasquatch just ripped a little Bichon dog into pieces! Why the sound effects were of fabric ripping is a question I’d like to ask the filmmakers.
• I didn’t think that this film needed a close-up of a middle-aged lady driving and simultaneously eating a hot dog but here we are. Bask in the glory fellow movie fans!
• Every second of this movie is worth making a snark comment over. It’s like a Zucker Brother spoof but with 0% intentional humor.
• Hot dog lady and her friend are panicking because they saw the Sasquatch yards away and now are lost in the unfinished suburban development. It’s like a labyrinth these subdivisions!
• Any escape might help to smooth the unattractive truth but the suburbs have no charms to soothe the restless dreams of youth! Sorry my mind was drifting to other better things.
• Rick is waiting for a phone call from “God” because his grandmother said that God will contact him and give him guidance about the story. Rick was about to give up when his phone rang. But again, it’s Dopey cop giving Rick information about the creature sighting.
• I’m glad I’m not drunk or high (yet!) otherwise this movie would make even less sense to me.
• There is so much continuity errors in the editing in this flick that it’s making me hallucinate.
• Rick doesn’t even believe in Sasquatch when Indian Girl tells him about it. He’s one open-minded ace reporter!
• Would he be disappointed if the killings were caused by a mythical creature and not some local maniac?
• No! Not a flashback!
• The sheriff is talking about when he and his wife lived in Oregon. Did the Sasquatch follow them from Oregon to Pennsylvania?!
• Try to picture this: Husband leaves the wife on their porch swing while he gets refreshments. It’s middle of a sunny day, she’s looking out towards her yard which is completely open land for many yards. Suddenly, a Sasquatch casually comes out of a bush in front of her at the end of the yard and slowly walks towards the house. Now would you sit still on the swing and have a befuddled look on your face, unmoving, as Bigfoot continues towards you? Because that’s what this dingbat just did.
• To make matters more confusing or dumber, as Sasquatch came close to the house, the wife passed out as he vanished only to reemerge right in front of her on the porch.
• Hahahahaha. When the cop comes out with the beverages and sees the Sasquatch kidnapping his wife he drops the glasses of lemonade for dramatic effect but only one glass shattered when it fell. It looked totally funny and lame.

• He tries to fight the beast but is bitch-slapped down. The cop then runs inside and grabs a shotgun and attempts to shoot the beast but misses 4 times before again getting bitch-slapped and then getting his leg crushed. Broken and bruised, he just couldn’t do a thing to save his wife.
• Hahahahaha. As he’s telling this story to Dopey cop he casually makes it seem like he had to move because of a minor issue, like allergies or a job went sour—definitely not his wife was kidnapped and possibly raped and eaten by a mythical monster.
• HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. The sheriff just said he can’t believe the Sasquatch followed him here! So stupid!
• Bold of this flick to try to shoe-horn in a conspiracy sub-plot regarding the cops and covering up the Sasquatch killings.
• But wait a minute, without any scenes of the cops investigating the crimes or doing any forensics, how do they know it was in fact the Sasquatch? All they have is the sheriff seeing the large footprint at the first crime scene.
• Hate to admit it but I’m starting to crush on Indian Girl.
• Indian Girl says “Would I be here?!” If not for the two mythical creatures in this story. A Thunderbird (I’m guessing that was the eagle I mentioned earlier) guided her to where the Sasquatch is. Lady, asking if you’d be there if it wasn’t for the strange phenomena in the area is not a strong argument.
• So now the film is implying that the Sasquatch also has the power to take the form of a mist or vapor. So he’s essentially Dracula but in gorilla form?
• Two hapless mechanics meet their untimely demise. The one that was working under the car gets his leg torn off, Sasquatch then drinks the blood pouring out of the leg like it’s a special Oktoberfest boot-shaped stein and then beats the fella repeatedly with his own severed limb.

• I love how inconsistent the size of the Sasquatch is. In one scene he’s huge, towering over the humans and in some he’s the same size. Maybe he has Ant-Man powers as well as invisibility.
• Rick is trying to shame Indian Girl about living a normal suburban woman life. And now this flick has gone all WOKE!
• No seriously, they are trying to shoe-horn liberal messages in this Bigfoot monster movie. It would be hilarious if this movie didn’t take itself this seriously.
• I really don’t understand why they made the Sasquatch have vanishing powers. Like, Indian Girl and Rick are chasing the Sasquatch through the woods (really peoples’ backyards) when it walks into the road. The film makes it seem like this Honda Odyssey is going to ram the beast but it cuts to the reactions of Rick and Indian Girl as we hear tires screeching but it cuts back to the Sasquatch who then disappears and the Honda Odyssey is no where to be found.
• Another funny aspect to this shitshow is that the two cops’ uniforms are just a beige shirt with brown pocket flaps and brown ties with cheap Party Fair cop hats. No badges, name tags or insignias on the shirt. They went all out with the costumes in this masterpiece.
• Seriously, this is the second Bigfoot flick I watched where the budget was so low that they couldn’t get actual cop uniforms. But yet, somehow, Alabama Sasquatch had great costumes and realistic police uniforms. I don’t get it.
• My kid’s high school musical production had more believable costume design.
• Dopey Cop isn’t fooling around anymore—he’s calling in Zeke and the Boyz!
• Rick asks Indian Girl how many Sasquatches she’s killed before. Of course this is her first rodeo.
• Hahahahahaha. I think we just saw Bigfoot’s DICK!

• Indian Girl says that Sasquatch is trying to control Rick’s mind when he starts to look exhausted and about to pass out. Next they’ll tell us that Sasquatch can control metal like Magneto.
• “You’re my best shot at getting a Pulitzer!” Cool your jets there Woodward, you work in a High School classroom made to look like a newsroom.
• These good ol’ boys must be Zeke and the Boyz!
• So the cops couldn’t handle the Sasquatch (actually, they didn’t even try) and instead called in some Mercs to try to take it down but these guys are all dressed in normal street clothes but are carrying rifles.
• Another Bigfoot bitch-slapping fatality. Yawn.
• So one dude bro manages to throw a small net over Sasquatch’s head. The net was small, sort of like the cargo nets they make for SUV trunks. Next shot the Bigfoot is lying on the ground with a large CGI net over his body. But the net is moving in waves! WHY?!?! They couldn’t afford a $23 net at Home Depot?
• Are the two cops communicating to Zeke through a typewriter? Because that’s what they are talking into.
• “Zeke? Zeke? What is it? Was it him?” No fellas, sorry it was the wrong Sasquatch we caught.
• That netting did nothing and there’s more Bigfoot bitch-slapping action.
• Zeke and the Boyz are simply charging at the beast at full speed and Sasquatch is simply slapping them away. This is so fucking stupid. Especially since we can hear gun shots in the background.
• A head-crushing/decapitation kill. Silly and badly executed but fun nonetheless.
• So much for Zeke and the Boyz.

I’m putting together a team…

• Every dude in this movie is dressed like schlubs. Shirts and pants two sizes larger than they should be.
• Rick is despondent because Indian Girl and he lost track of the Sasquatch (they must’ve missed all the shooting from Zeke a few yards away) and he tells her he has to go home and pay bills and visit his grandma.
• Now Indian Girl is doling out life coaching for Rick’s career.
• They can’t find Sasquatch so Indian Girl is going to perform some magical, spiritual ritual to find him.
• Now they’re discussing love and destiny and almost kiss before they’re interrupted by a crow.
• OK so now she’s explaining that for every “soul” Sasquatch absorbs makes his powers greater. I mean, duh, no shit. Everyone knows that.
• Sasquatch ambushed them and kidnapped Indian Girl, who I just learned is named Talla.
• So this town only has these 2 cops. If Dopey cop ever takes a personal day they are screwed.
• Why are the cops in this house? I don’t recall hearing a police call or them learning where the Bigfoot went. They just showed up.
• 4–5 dead bodies in this house that we never witnessed before.
• Dopey cop is giving his best Oscar reel performance after being so upset seeing the dead bodies.
• Talla and the other chick from the lost car are tied up prisoners by the Sasquatch. The backdrop is literally black garbage bags just like in the brilliant Neil Breen classic Twisted Pair!
• I think the girls were tied up with vines!

• Rick’s Editor-in-chief: “You hear any more about those murder rumors? I’m hearing wild cougar.” Rahhwr!
• And how exactly are you hearing it could be a wild cougar? There’s one reporter apparently and you think he sucks.
• Rick finds Talla in the Sasquatch cave with the help of the thunderbird. When Talla asks him how he found her he says “luck.” Dude, she knows about the Thunderbird, in fact it already helped her earlier and she told you that!
• Look, I’ve never been in a situation where I was searching for a kidnapped woman in cave by a killer Sasquatch but if I was, I would at least bring a knife or something to defend myself just in case. Rick came empty handed.
• Apparently, Talla’s arrows have Kryptonite arrowheads to kill Sasquatch. Even though she already has shot Sasquatch with her arrows like 8 times already in the course of the film. Not sure if she’s hitting him in the right place or these kryptonite arrow heads don’t do jackshit.
• Oh no Rick’s hurt!
• Well this is an awkward party. An old lady knitting while sitting on the sofa and some dude drinking a beer kinda drunk dancing to the punk rock indie music.
• I absolutely love the fact that the cops (both of them) always carry their weapons in their hands because the filmmakers couldn’t spend the dough for holsters.
• Now Sasquatch is attacking that knitting lady…in her home!
• Hahahahaha. Moments ago Sasquatch broken through the old lady’s window to try to grab her but after she gets her son to help, the son goes over to the front door and we can see Sasquatch through the front door’s window’s curtains that he’s just waiting for the son to open the door. Which the son does and Sasquatch just waltzes right in.
• Bravo on that top-notch after-effects explosion, movie.
• And yet that explosion still didn’t kill or even harm Sasquatch! He’s just a little woozy.
• I’m beginning to think that this director never saw a full-length feature before.
• Gotta have a dreamcatcher if you’re gonna have Native Americans in the film.
• Dude, Rick, please put on a shirt. Even if it’s your 4x too large for you t-shirt that you’ve been sporting this whole movie.
• “Let the police handle it!” Have you seen the local police in your town operate Rick?! Plus there’s only 2 cops, they’re gonna need all the help they can get!
• There’s like 10 minutes left and now Talla and Rick are debating about each others’ involvement and protection.
• So every time Talla shot Sasquatch with an arrow it did nothing because she never got a direct shot into his heart. But Rick hit the bullseye of course in one shot!

• Rick’s Grandma is all smiles after bering attacked by the Sasquatch and Talla is near death. But her grandson killed the beast and is a hero so she’s very satisfied.
• Talla is saying goodbye to Rick in the woods and she puts up her hands and her tent disappears. Not for nothing but if your effect is just a cross-dissolve maybe just forgo the whole mystical element from your character that never showed mystical powers before.
• Rick still thinks this story of the Sasquatch is going to make his career. But the Sasquatch is gone—he literally vanished for good after he killed it with the arrow. He has zero evidence or proof or unbiased witnesses.
• Rick, please, just stop talking. You’re fucking pathetic.
• Fuck me, this movie has an original song playing during the end credits. It’s like if cancer was made in audio form.

Final Thoughts: Not sure how infamous this hilarious attempt at filmmaking is. We’ve heard of it for many years now because we happen to be fans of Red Letter Media who did a whole video breakdown with their Best of the Worst segment. I watched it years back but the only thing I remembered was the distinct Sasquatch growl and the scene when he puts down a fisherman with his friend’s severed arm. So I went into this with a more or less fresh mind and I’m glad I gave this one a look-see. It’s bad. Like really bad! But in the best possible way—it’s Schlock Gold. I can’t recommend this farce of a flick enough to fans of so-bad-it’s-good movies. There has been very few movies that I enjoyed the absurdity and complete lack of filmmaking aptitude as much as Suburban Sasquatch. Grab a few buds, grab a few suds and just laugh yourselves silly over how ridiculous this movie is.

Score: 7 Kryptonite-tipped Arrows That Only Work If It Direct Hits the Sasquatch’s Heart (out of 10)