Boggy Creek II: And The Legend Continues (1984)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Part two of a Bigfoot series that didn’t really need to progress past this entry.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

*Author’s Note: Once again, I never like doing movies that were on MST3K but I needed this one to complete the double-bill.*

• Another Charles B. Pierce magnum ego opus.

• Here we go again with the five minute swamp montage.

• This fucking Bigfoot comes out swinging. It kills a deer while it swims in bloody Jaws-esque magnificence.

• Even the turtles fainted after that violent scene.

• This poor actor in the Bigfoot suit is really struggling dragging that deer to shore.

• Out of all of Division 1 we have to go to a U of Arkansas game? Fuck.

• This is the worst acting of cheering on a football game ever.

• This douche running to get the Professor is the grown up kid from the first Boggy Creek. Pierce’s son plays him yet again. What are the odds?

• Is a football game really the time and place for playing the Agree shampoo, “And they’ll tell two friends and so on and so on” gag?

• This shit kicker professor wears a suit to the football game, but his street clothes in his office. The south will never rise again.

• Is Chuck’s idiot son gonna do the whole unbuttoned shirt thing the entire film?

• Or just shirtless I guess. Fucking redneck.
  

• We goin’ to Texarkana! My best to Sheriff Buford T. Justice if you see him.

• The obligatory, “You done better get outta here city boy” scene in a local general store trope.

• Mayor Vaughn did it better insulting Hooper with National Geographic.

• Doc asserts his dominance by declaring a thinly-veiled threat of murder to the local rednecks, instead of merely pissing on the floor.

• So one of the girls on this trip is dressed like Mike Reno at a softball game, the other is dressed like a model, and asshole Tim is still shirtless – he better be slaughtered by film’s end.
  
  

• No hair, no pigment, no definition at all. Only in the eighties could guys get away with being a horror movie antagonist while having the body of an alien.

• Wouldn’t be a Boggy Creek movie without a fucking flashback or twenty.

• Wow, the old farmer saw Bigfoot. Bigfoot then saw the farmer, and they both walked away from each other outta the barn. Fuck this movie.

• Ten miles to the Sulphur River, fuck the south.

• I forgot to ask, are these three kids going on this Bigfoot escapade for extra credit or just ‘cause?

• There’s been two killings in this movie and they were both deer.

• A headless deer in the middle of the road. In Texarkana. In 1984. Clearly the work of Satan.
  

• Tim has put on a shirt and shows us that he must be an art major while drawing a sketch of Bigfoot.

• Tanya thinks Bigfoot looks sexy. This might become Night Of The Demon with consent.

• I’m sorry, but only Catherine Bach looked good driving around in a white jeep.
  
  

• We’re gonna be rootin’ around a lot of old barns ain’t we.

• Tim is still with shirt, but he has opted to go with Daisy Dukes. Kill me now if you please.

• “Don’t leave me! We have to hold the door.” Were this 2016, I’d make a Hodor joke but no one remembers or likes that show anymore.

• This entire scene that should have Bigfoot in it, instead is wasted on a fucking German Shepard with cool whip on his mouth. Cujo was last year Chuck, try something else visually.

• Seems Professor Lockhart went to the fucking Sam Loomis School of How Many Shots Did I Fire.

• Christ on crutches, you had to show the dog dying on the floor without putting him out of his misery? Fucking rednecks.

• I can see why MST3K cut out that entire sequence.

• Doc’s balls are a micron away from falling out of his Daisy Dukes.

• There’s a kid Bigfoot in this as well this time – good or bad don’t know yet, just reporting here folks.

• Don’t drag the Tibetan Yeti’s good name into this southern shit fest Doc.

• Another flashback.

• Seems like Pierce didn’t have the money to properly light a night shoot, so we’ll settle for late afternoon in dense woods for the same effect.

• Pierce also felt like miking the fucking cicadas instead of the actors in this scene as well.

• Does he really have to explain the concept of radar to this dumb bitch?

• And it’s Tan-ya not Tahn-ya.

• This radar sequence with something approaching that isn’t Tim or Tanya, is a complete ripoff of Hooper and Brody finding Ben Gardeners boat with Hooper’s radar.

• I just wish it ended with their heads in the bushes.

• Tanya was most definitely hired because of her sweet posterior.
  
  

• Short shorts aside, there isn’t anything more effeminate than watching Doc yield a firearm.

• Here comes the digital yellow barrels again. He can’t breach the perimeter with three in him, not with three he can’t!

• I am, from here on out, officially enamored with Tanya’s ass.

• Yelling, “Shut up and hold it! We lost power!” is futile during a blackout.

• Tim is shaking like Michael J. Fox so much he can barely fill the generator with gas. Again with Marty McShaky, shit.
  

• These were the days before actors in masks put black makeup around the eyes for added effect.

• Doc’s face while he shoots at Bigfoot looks like he’s just won a stuffed animal at Playland.
  
  

• Yet another flashback. This one involves a redneck shitting himself in an outhouse. Fuck this movie once more.

• Fun fact: Doc tells us that the shit-covered redneck is now a retired lawyer down in the holler. Fuck the south once more.

• Why is there a watermelon there?

• Now we have a deputy’s flashback. They’re outsourcing memories now for fucks’ sake.

• Little Bigfoot is a fish-stealing little shit.

• Seems as if old man Crenshaw is the Deus Ex Machina for the third act.

• Beans and baloney sandwiches for lunch = another attempt at the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles.

• Are the girls gonna mutiny? If not are they gonna get naked?

• If this were another type of movie, the two girls would go look for a place to skinny dip and then…you know.
  

• This stupid four wheeling scene made me miss my old Stomper collection. Those were the tits.
  

• If Pierce was hoping to build tension with having the girls stranded in the Jeep and the guys back at camp, it didn’t work and they still haven’t been killed.

• OK, we got Tanya in the mud – so let’s see what happens when we get Leslie in the mud with her.

• Holy fuck this is going nowhere.

• But it is getting a little homo-erotic, you’re not imagining things.

• Here we finally are at the Sulphur River and I hope, like the river Styx, it brings me to Hell.

• Some hot eighties ladies on the beach. Some Y&T maybe?
  

• Fuck me gently with a chainsaw – if this becomes a Jaws/Piranha ripoff with Bigfoot in the water, so help me.

• They’re playing shitty Jaws theme ripoffs so I think I’m close.

• Nope, it was just a stupid kid in a Zorf mask. Camazotz and Hare are beginning to repair the beam. Zorf is ka.
  

• Can we get Tanya in a bikini now for the love of whatever?

• That’s a fully furnished all-day boat rental?

• Is every asshole in the world on a jet ski, or is everyone in the world an asshole while on a jet ski?

• Pierce sure does love his films to have narration.

• He’s out hunting Bigfoot, but Doc wants it to be known that he’s a green eco-warrior.

• Yes, knock on the door Tim, you’re the only one here who hasn’t seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre ain’t ya?
  

• Mad goat! All hail Satan. I am the god of hellfire and I bring you… a shitty Bigfoot movie. I’m sorry.

• If I wrote this movie, old man Crenshaw here would have wound up to be Madman Marz; and he would have killed Doc, the students and both Bigfeet. Then he would have sat on his porch and laughed all the way to the end credits.

• Crenshaw told Tim to leave him alone, he’s a family man. And his bark is much worse than his bite. Do I need to show the video to explain that joke? OK.
  

• Tim takes his shirt off to placate Crenshaw or to assert his dominance as a beta. I dunno, what does the literature on primates say?

• Tanya not only had the best ass in the movie, she dips some of Crenshaw’s Skoal too. So her kisses must taste great.

• Why does it always take at least two or three claps of thunder for someone to say, “Storm’s comin’.’”

• The Skoal made Tanya puke. I bet she’s a one beer wonder too.

• I think we’re gonna spend way too much time with old man Crenshaw.
  
  

• Before they have this private talk, I trust Doc has realized that Crenshaw is in fact naked underneath them overalls.

• “Come here boy and hunker down. I wanna show you somethin’” Jesus Doc, remember what happened to Ned Beatty? Run for fucks’ sake.

• Crenshaw is harboring/imprisoning the wounded Bigfoot child he caught in one of his traps. Revenge is coming to Tombstone.

• The fact that neither of these girls got naked or killed goes against all horror movie logic.

• But douche-bag Tim still freeing the fucking nipple. Jesus wept.

• Bigfoot breaks thought he door, Doc hands him his kid back, they stop Crenshaw from shooting, they come to an understanding about the creatures; and they all sail back to return their boat rental since it’s been over 24 hours and the late fees rival Blockbuster’s.

• There’s a sort-of-semi-kinda Harry & The Hendersons ending with the creatures walking through the woods behind the end credits.

Final Thoughts:  The first Boggy Creek is actually enjoyable, but this one makes you wanna watch Kenneth Pinyan die from bovine-induced peritonitis on a loop.

Score: 4 Soiled Trips To The Outhouse (out of 10)

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