Sasquatch: The Legend of Bigfoot (1976)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A scientific expedition ventures into the wilderness to find, you guessed it—a Bigfoot!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Pumas, and Bears and wolves – Oh my!
• The Majestic Moose!!
• Someone saw Jaws with this Sasquatch POV running through the woods with a string orchestra playing.
• Even the bears want nothing to do with the Sasquatch’s shit.
• One Bigfoot fart can clear out a forest within seconds.
• The infamous Patterson Bigfoot footage. I always loved how the “Bigfoot” just casually meanders in the woods without a care in the world.
• This film is framed like a documentary but it also feels like an old Disney documentary for some reason.
• “The world’s most intriguing mystery”? Umm The Loch Ness monster would like a word.
• Joshua Aloysius Bigsby?! His name is my name too!
• Joshua Aloysius Bigsby looks like he’s about to scream “There’s gold in dem dar hills!” Any moment now.
• Poor Josh doesn’t even know what his age is!
• Techka Blackhawk, the Indian scout, is played by one Joel Morello. I bet if someone threw trash at him he’d cry on command.
• Bob Vernon is the photographer/reporter of this expedition and he claims he doesn’t believe in Bigfoot. He also wishes he was “back in New York” where “the enemy is visible”. By enemy he means Puerto Ricans probably.
• Remember folks, NYC in the 70s was a bona fide hellhole.
• He also stated that the pay was good and he’s one of the best in his field, but if he doesn’t believe in Bigfoot he naturally would assume that he doesn’t have to worry about capturing the beast on film. So what’s his point being there? Guess he loves to waste his time.
• The narration then unnecessarily describes Bob Vernon and his skepticism. Yeah, we gathered that when he said he doesn’t believe in Bigfoot and would probably rather hunt minorities in Manhattan. The narration then says that “his negative attitude disturbs me.” Probably should’ve vetted him a tad more, wouldn’t you agree Chuck Evans?!

• We all know that Bob Vernon will be a true believer by the third act. Guaranteed.
• Most of these actors look either like 70s porn actors or members of the Manson Family.
• There’s German Shepherd tracking dogs that the narration states are “Trained specifically for this mission.” Did they find a pair of Bigfoot’s briefs for the dog to sniff?
• Is this flick going to be narrated the whole time? Most of it is totally unnecessary as it’s telling us what we are already seeing for ourselves.
• All joking aside, who among you wouldn’t want to be on a horseback expedition in the Pacific Northwest searching for the fabled Sasquatch? I wonder if people still do this? I’d sign up in a heartbeat.
• The narration is now describing the weather! We don’t care what the temperature is numb-nuts!
• Close-ups of various flowers and foliage as well as random animals like raccoons, birds and elk. This flick has more B-roll than a Jim Morrison UCLA student film.
• Now we’re treated to a wolf vs. Badger fight! 10 bucks on the wolf! Unless it’s a Honey Badger, then that wolf is toast because: 

• Now I only want Randall to narrate this Sasquatch flick.
• In fact, replace Randall for every David Attenborough documentary.
• Shit. It just dawned on me that since this is a Bigfoot flick that is taking itself WAAAAYYY too seriously that we’re probably never going to see the beast or if we do it will be at the very end, meaning that for the next 70 or so minutes nothing of worth will be in this flick. I mean, the troop could get sick, attacked by bears or wolves, one fella could fall in a ravine and break a leg, another doofus could fall in a river and get his dick eaten by piranha or something but I doubt this flick will have the Sasquatch stealthily attack each member of the troop one by one causing utmost fear and confusion. The worst that will happen probably is they lose the maps and get lost in the woods. Hope I’m wrong but I doubt it.
• Hold up! The narrator, Chuck Evans, just said that the expedition has been extended due to the fact they found the Sasquatch’s lair. They must’ve lost all that footage in the bushes or something.
• It’s funny that since the 70s people have been theorizing, tracking and trying to find a Sasquatch creature with very little technology helping them. Now with satellites, HD motion-sensor cameras with night vision, drones, you name it, and there’s still no sign of the creature(s). If it walks like a hoax, and talks like a hoax….
• Gawd, this flick is so boring. Even Ken Burns would scroll through Twitter during this pseudo-documentary.
• Is British Columbia considered “Primitive Country” even by 1976 standards?
• Hahaha, the video I’m watching just cut off Vernon’s speech about how beautiful the country is. Yeah, it don’t matter.
• Joshua Aloysius Bigsby just stated that a cougar will never attack a man. Obviously, he’s unfamiliar with Demi Moore.
• Keep that Grizzly bear away from RFK Jr.!

• 3 or 4 more weeks until they reach the area where the Sasquatch may be?! They had a helicopter earlier, maybe they could’ve been dropped off a little closer perhaps?
• Now I want the narrator of Dinosaur Dinner Theatre from Instagram to be the one reading off the unnecessary narration.
• COUGAR!
• “Hey! What’s the matter with these horses?!” I dunno cowboy perhaps they’re terrified you’re bringing them into cougar territory.
• That was one hopeful cougar attacking a large group of humans and horses caravan style.
• Now one of the dogs is chasing the cougar! REVENGE!
• That’ll teach that damn cougar to mess with Joshua Aloysius Bigsby!
• A Bigfoot story flashback!
• Hey! There is gold in dem dar hills after all!
• So now we have Joshua Aloysius Bigsby’s narration for his flashback story. Has there ever been a movie with 2 separate narrators?
• That’s Sasquatch gold you heathens! And he wants it back!
• Charlie’s a wussy man-baby!
• This flashback is a 3rd of the film already!
• It feels to me like this flashback with the Sasquatch throwing rocks on the prospector’s cabin to scare them could be like a Scooby-Doo mystery. Like, someone dressed like a Sasquatch to scare gold miners that found gold in dem dar hills. Maybe that’s all the Sasquatch myth is. Just some fella out to scare gold miners away and steal their gold.
• This movie is too darn serious. You know what it needs? A cute montage off a bear playing with a raccoon.
• This movie is too darn short. You know what it needs? A cute montage of otters sliding down a snowy glacier.
• It’s amazing how little that white actor playing the Native American looks Native American. It’s like if a long-haired Bronson Pinchot put on a leather headband and acted like Geronimo.
• This movie is too boring. You know what it needs? An exciting montage of two grizzly bears fighting while the search party just watch.
• The majestic moose!!!
• Some animal (I think it’s a badger) is stealing their food when they ain’t looking! Everyone, including me, has a good hearty laugh at this rascally situation.
• This movie is, no joke, like 45% forest animal B-roll. I can easily get a grainy 70s photo of a raccoon and place it in my post here and you would never know if it’s from the movie or I googled it.

• I’m always game for a Teddy Roosevelt wilderness story!
• Now that would be an awesome flick. Teddy Roosevelt hunting down a Sasquatch.
• Another flashback! And another narrator!
• A beaver swamp!
• So apparently everyone on this Sasquatch hunting party has a Sasquatch legend story.
• Don’t forget the Tabasco sauce! Well of course, you can’t have roast Sasquatch without Tabasco sauce.
• They had home base fly over and drop new supplies to the search party. How convenient.
• Oh no the Tabasco sauce bottle broke when it landed. Oh que pena!
• Man, Barney is not having a good day. First his Tabasco sauce was destroyed and now he nearly drowns in the river. Poor guy.
• After 10 minutes of random hiking and camping shit, we have a scene of Vernon being attacked by a grizzly bear while he was on late night look-out. He survived with minimal injury.
• I feel like the actual Sasquatch movie just started. With 24 minutes remaining.
• Some THING is screaming in the forest and it’s scaring all the horses! And someone in the middle of taking a shit!
• Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be the poor bloke who died attacked by a Sasquatch while pinching a loaf.
• He caught the smell of the Sasquatch in the wind? How does he know what a Sasquatch smells like? Old Spice?

• Well that was exciting!
• TRACKS!
• Those are some mighty big feet!
• You know what’s harder than tracking a Sasquatch through rough mountain terrain? Watching these dudes talk about it.
• “From here we go with danger.” That should be the motto for Schlocktoberfest!
• Oh my Gawd—I could’ve just read this movie and saved myself the effort.
• “Properly set, the console here at camp, will tell us the location, speed, and erection of an approaching Sasquatch.”
• Wait. That can’t be right. Ohhh, Direction! My bad.
• OK. Even if the Sasquatch breaks the fine trip wires he’s still not going to understand the point of them so there’s really no reason to place them strategically around the forest.
• What’s a “quiet” dinner? You mean, you didn’t speak during your meals?
• I could really go for another viewing of Predator right about now. Predator vs. Sasquatch could be a good mash-up too!
• I could really go for another viewing of Predators right about now!
• So they always find Bigfoot tracks and foot prints but they never find his massive dumps in the woods? BS!
• The console’s clicking noise makes it seem like the Sasquatch is indicating a lane change in his 85 Ford Fiesta.

• I can’t tell with this low-light if the Sasquatch threw those tree limbs at that guy or if the limbs just fell from the tree.
• This is absolute chaos right now.
• Sasquatch is even hurling boulders down the mountain at the guys.
• This is pandemonium Gene!
• The Sasquatch make-up/costume looks a little like the old Lon Chaney Jr. Wolfman make-up but made with Tor Johnson in the role.
• Hahahaha! Tecka the native just said: “When can we go home?”
• Sasquatch didn’t finish the job!
• “Poor Bob Vernon was in shock.” Well that’s an understatement.
• “It looks…like we’re finished here.” Not more poignant words have ever been uttered during a Schlocktoberfest!
• “Barney! A good cup of coffee.” Did Lynch rip this off for Twin Peaks?!
• So 7 dudes ventured for over a month in the Pacific Northwest to track a Sasquatch, find one, and after one bad night they hightail it out of there?! Dopes!

Final Thoughts: A simple attempt. Not to jump ahead but it seems like the old Bigfoot flicks from the 70s especially tried to be more serious and scientific about the subject of a Sasquatch and trying to locate them and study them. Whereas the newer Bigfoot flicks seem to make him a monster and people getting killed for being in their neck of the woods kinda thing. Not sure what version of a Bigfoot movie is better. Both lack in a lot of ways. Part of me wants the gore and scares, but when it is a gory or slasher element to a Bigfoot movie, I want it be taken a little more seriously as well. I guess what I’m saying is I haven’t watched one with a goof balance of thrills and science. This one is no exception, tried too hard to be taken seriously—almost too documentary-esque—and was just boring, dated and dry. I didn’t hate it, truth is it’s one of the better made Bigfoot movies I watched this month, it just wasn’t entertaining enough either. Unless you’re into watching B-roll of woodland creatures in their natural habitat for half the running time.

Score: 6 Broken Tabasco Bottles (out of 10)