Demonwarp (1988)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: People in the woods run afoul of the Bigfoot.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Bigfoot came to Earth in a meteor?
• That meteor just looks like a ball of dirt.
• What a weird fucking career George Kennedy had. He won an Oscar for christ’s sake. Although, so did Gwyneth Paltrow.
• Oh, turns out he was paid $15,000 for 3 days’ work. Now I understand.
• George and his daughter are playing Trivial Pursuit and the Bigfoot just busts the god damn door down and kills her. Why was he so pissed off? Unpredictable species.
• So after the Bigfoot attack, the cabin owner’s nephew, Jack, and some of his friends come up to the cabin to party and also catch Bigfoot? Why would his uncle invite him and his friends up for this?
• Oh, George rented the house from one of the guys’ uncle. And then they didn’t clean up the Bigfoot carnage?
• Maybe the Bigfoot took George’s daughter away to breed. 
• Jack’s uncle Clem is missing? And that’s who George rented the cabin from? How could he rent a cabin from someone who’s missing?
• The woods around the cabin are called Demon Woods, but where does the warping come in?
• Wouldn’t Jack have given his friends a heads up about the Bigfoot hunt before they agreed to go to this cabin for the weekend? They were probably wanting to just drink and smoke and bang and now they get roped into this Bigfoot nonsense?
• One guy brought a gorilla mask to frighten his friends. But he didn’t know about the Bigfoot thing before they came, so he just brought this gorilla mask with him?
• The Bigfoot is attacking the group, is this the end of the movie already?
• The Bigfoot just killed two of the guys, and they can’t just leave because the Bigfoot destroyed their car. He’s very crafty, that Bigfoot.
• Did this Bigfoot come down on that meteor, and it’s at least 100 years old? That sentence sounded like Commander Riker from the Fact or Fiction show
• The remaining guy and two girls have to go through the woods to escape the Bigfoot’s territory, but the woods are the Bigfoot’s territory.
• Here’s another two girls including the lovely and amazing Michelle Bauer. You may remember her from Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers fame. And I think the other one is George Kennedy’s daughter who doesn’t really want to act but does want to make her dad happy.
• Michelle Bauer takes her top off, naturally, because she wants a tan., in the middle of the woods, under a canopy of trees.
• Boobs and gore: a better combination than chocolate and peanut butter?

• There’s also a photographer but it seems like he’ll be dead very shortly so it’s not that important.
• It does seem like it would be pretty easy to outrun the Bigfoot. He’s slightly faster than Frankenstein with a strained calf muscle.
• Is the guy in the gorilla mask before now a zombie? I’m very confused.
• Oh here’s George Kennedy again, and he stole Billy Jacoby’s watch somehow?
• Anyway the photographer’s dead. Thanks for coming.
• I guess this Bigfoot’s just an asshole?
• No better way to pad your runtime than having multiple shots of the Bigfoot’s big feet walking somewhere.
• I’m pretty sure the Bigfoot just sexually assaulted George Kennedy while he was bashing his head into a rock. His father went the same way.

• I guess if the Bigfoot snaps your neck, that turns you into a zombie. That’s just olde mountain lore.
• If they cut out all of the walking scenes, this movie would be 32 minutes long.
• So Jack shoots the Bigfoot, then it reverts back to his uncle, like a Werefoot? 
• Was the Bigfoot stealing electronics to build a spaceship in a cave, just like The Thing?
• There are a lot of other… zombies(?) in this cave? And they’re all looking at electronics or metal or something? Jack finds Fred, the gorilla mask guy from before, who explains that the priest I guess from the beginning 100 years ago who found the meteor or spaceship or whatever wants ladies for a ritual. This all makes perfect sense.
• Oh, there’s Billy Jacoby, who’s a zombie, but fully capable of talking and stuff. This all makes perfect sense.
• So now Jack is just shooting zombies in the head. He should probably just leave the cave.
• Still no explanation as to why his uncle was a Bigfoot.
• I guess all this electronic stuff is where the warping is going to come into play.
• At least the priest took Michelle Bauer’s top off again. So whatever he does from this moment on, he can’t be all bad.
• Ok, so there’s a demon that the priest is sacrificing Michelle Bauer to. 
• The demon is kind of adorable. Definite Shakma Syndrome. I hope he succeeds, the scamp.
• Oh, Jack just shot him, that’s all it took. Jack’s the worst.
• The demon sticks its dick into Fred’s chest. NSFW.
• Fred is now turning into the Bigfoot, but Jack set off some dynamite he got from George Kennedy, so we’re all ok.
• And then there’s a series of false, super-confusing Newhart endings. Please leave me alone.

Final Thoughts: This picture seems like an intern was carrying scripts to three different movies about aliens, demons, and Bigfoot, and they tripped on a curb and landed in an active tree mulching machine and another intern taped together this script as best they could after washing the gore off of some of the pages with their tears for their fallen colleague. It’s a complete train wreck, but it does have gore, boobs, and George Kennedy, so it’s semi-fascinating. 

Score: 3.5 Werefoots (out of 10)