Blood Hook (1986)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: “Going fishing?” “Yep!” “Got worms?” “Yeah, but I’m going anyway.”

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• It’s 1968 and this kid doesn’t know what a tape recorder is? What a dipshit.
• I guess his grandpa either got hooked in the face or his eyes got blasted with fish semen. Either way, he’s gone, to die or to live with his new fish husband by maritime law.
• The bait shop owner Mr. Luedke is just giving his inventory away. That’s no way to run a business that’s in the middle of nowhere to begin with.
• The dumb tape recorder boy Pete returns to the lake with his dumb friends who may or may not know what a tape recorder is, just in time fora festival called Muskie Madness, which absolutely should’ve been the title of this movie.
• I’ll let you know the next time something interesting happens.
• This young guy with a bunch of gray spraypaint in his beard is yelling at Pete about the way he’s acting even though he hasn’t done anything whatsoever. Also, his goon son is squatting in Pete’s grandpa’s old house, or maybe they both are? But I’m unclear as to whose house it’s supposed to be now.
• Why is this movie almost two hours long. I’m already bored.
• I was under the impression that this was like a horror comedy. So far it couldn’t be further from either one of those. Nothing anyone has said so far has been remotely interesting.
• Some woman is killed by a fishing line winding around her neck. I guess this is the titular blood hook?
• I want everyone to shut the fuck up.
• So a couple of the friends, Finner and Rod, go to local girl Bev’s house that they just met yesterday, go through her record collection, then Finner tells her, “You gotta hear this!” They’re HER fucking records!!!
• Oh no, she then specifically says they’re her husband’s records. Still, she would’ve heard them at some point. Also, what the hell is going on.
• Her son gets cut by a hook, but there’s no one around. Is this supposed to be a possessed fishing line or something?

My dad had this exact same shirt, seriously.

• Can I take this opportunity to say that Mystery Science Theater 3000 is overrated?
• Oh my cod, most of these scenes are completely pointless.
• This lake is virtually empty. What happened to Muskie Madness?
• Rod gets attacked by the blood hook and now there’s a pole involved. What the hell is going on.
• This movie should be about to wrap up but it’s not even remotely half over.
• Every time the blood hook strikes there’s a really loud sound of cicadas and distortion and it’s more irritating than listening to 2023 politicians give speeches.
• The group is talking about having a good time even though their friend was murdered in horrific fashion. I absolutely loathe when that happens in these movies. Especially if it’s a movie I’m already hating, much like this one.
• Oh boy, a side boob. If that was to keep the audience awake, it failed, because I’m still asleep, and dreaming of this movie ending. 
• Great, another death by fishing hook. This isn’t incredibly old at all. AT ALL!
• So Bev is married to the goon boy, Evelyn? None of this makes any sort of sense.
• Anyway she gets killed by the hook. Who gives a fuck. Maybe don’t go swimming at night when people are getting killed by fish hooks.
• Muskie Madness is still going on, and this asshole gets busted for metal in his fish, which is only notable because it reminds me of that funny video of that champion fisherman getting busted a year or so ago.

• So it turns out the killer is the bait shop guy, who was the only real candidate and the person you expected it was the whole time, so, great. He apparently has a metal device in his head from Korea, and the annoying cicada sounds make him do murders.
• I like that there was a lot of time taken up with the love story between Finner and Bev and now they’re both dead. Wonderful.
• So far the only thing our “protagonist” Pete has really done is wrongfully accuse people.
• There’s a total bitch who’s also part of the group but she’s so annoying I haven’t felt like writing about her to this point, but apparently she swam away from the killer for hours or something.
• Luedke has all the corpses in the water on a line, which is kind of neat, but they’re like supposed to be bloated and waterlogged, and they really look like shit. Why would they have giant eyes?
• I really hope the end credits are 25 minutes long.
• Pete finds Finner’s ear and immediately knows it’s Finner’s ear, somehow.
• So Luedke’s metal head reacts to the cicada noises and they come around every 17 years so he killed Pete’s grandpa and now the cicada noises and other music notes or something are making him kill again. The cicada noises interact with the music tones they’ve been playing, even though they’re all different songs. In a better movie that premise might be semi-interesting. But it’s still pretty stupid. How is he hearing this from everywhere then immediately making his way to the victims?
• That noise is damn near as murderous to me as it is to Luedke.
• Luedke is still psychotic even though the music’s not playing anymore and the cicadas are quiet. Fuck this jazz.
• Pete’s girlfriend just stands there and watches him cast the blood hook at her. Maybe hide behind that building you’re standing next to?
• Holy shit the “old” dude just keeps shitting on everything everyone says and it’s way more annoying than the cicadas.
• I don’t think Pete has closed his mouth once the entire movie. He looks like a large-mouth bass.
• So Peter goes to confront Luedke and save his girlfriend and he just sits in a boat all night and doesn’t do anything because he’s a huge pussy? UGH.
• Pete could just shoot Luedke in the face but he wants to honor his grandfather by learning how to cast properly and killing Luedke with a hook and this doesn’t make any motherfucking sense jesus christ.
• Does Leudke really deserve to be killed? He just has an awful handicap.
• Oh so Pete lost the big hook casting showdown. Great.

• So the cops show up and Luedke runs away. Pete really barely did anything.
• And then the movie just ends. Jesus H. Christ…

Final Thoughts: Usually in these unwatchable shitmongrels there are at least one or two things I kind of like, such as a gory or creative death, a funny quote, tasteful nudity, etc., but this flick has absolutely nothing going for it, and is insanely long and boring. It’s a ridiculous premise that could be fun if it was all done tongue-in-cheek, but it’s not, which just makes it dumb. Or if it is trying to be tongue-in-cheek, they did an absolutely horrendous job. Either way, piss on this movie and the fish it swam in on.

Score: 1.5 Local Hookers Supported(out of 10)