Graduation Day (1981)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A tragic tale of a coach who wanted the greatest track team in the state, but instead got a one way ticket to murder.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Ok, no fucking around, right into the movie we go.

• This looks like the opening to Wide World of sports done poorly.

• Track and field highlights and a way too upbeat disco song do not imply that this is a slasher.

• The song didn’t help as Laura wins her race only to drop dead at the finish line. Disco truly sucks.

• Truck drivers who commit unwanted sexual advances while wearing ascots over a t-shirt automatically qualify for the death penalty.

• Our killer in this flick runs around with a stop watch. Timing his kills to see if he can break the record? Time will tell.

• He chases down one of Laura’s teammates and slashes her up in 30 seconds. Might be enough to qualify, what did West Germany score?

• I appreciate the effect they were going for when the killer’s arm swipes at the camera, but you can clearly see the fake blood is already applied to the knife thus ensuring the slash spatter effect.

• A truly stupid shot of the dead girl’s ass as she lies on the ground.

• No wonder things are tense for the track team, the coach is Sgt. Troy from The Rat Patrol.

• Turns out the hitchhiking Navy woman from before is Laura’s sister Anne. Home to kill? Come back after these messages and find out.

• Anne’s stepfather is set up as a world-class piece of shit almost instantly.

• Three words you have never heard again after 1981: Evonne Goolagong poster.

• Anne has packed the same black gloves and grey sweats the killer wears. Duh-duh-duhnnn.

• The killer is now heading into the girls’ locker room – finally some excitement in here.

• The killer Halloween POV’s his way to a locker where he crosses out the teammate he killed with a lipstick. A hint of haute couture possibly?

• Sally and her Trapper Keeper are being stalked along the same trail Paula (the 1st victim) was killed on, and Anne appears out of nowhere. This is hall-of-fame red herring shit.

• One of my favorite character actors Michael Pataki (Count Malachi from Happy Days to you old folks) plays the principal.

• I have never seen a senior class with so many of them wearing braces. Christ, mine were long gone by the time I was 18.

• Anne is only an Ensign? She’d be fucked if this was Star trek.
  
  
• Laura’s boyfriend Kevin doesn’t live a creepy as fuck life at all.
  
  
• Anne is terribly Foley’d. Seems to be a lot of that this year.
  
  
• Uh oh, Sally is getting naked in the locker room, and in 80’s slashers that means only one thing.
  
  
• This is the only time ever recorded on film where a misleading jump scare is caused by and starring Vanna White.
  
  
• The actress playing Sally was obviously hired because she’s real gymnast. And she shows her tits.
  
  
• With all the shit that went down with that degenerate fuck Larry Nassar, this scene with the coach watching Sally’s routine on the bars is extra gross.
  
  
• The killer just crossed out Sally with the lipstick. Fucking spoilers.
  
  
• They didn’t have Lady Bics yet in 1981?
  
  
• The stopwatch has been started and a sword stolen from a locker.
  
  
• And Sally gets stabbed right through the fucking throat. Can’t exactly say you didn’t see it coming.
  
  
• Not that I would ever complain, but where in the Hell did Linnea Quigley come from?
  
  
• Linnea always brings her great tits and that is why she is Legend.
  
  
• I’m guessing there’s more to the professional relationship between the principal and his secretary.
  
  
• I was expecting the principal to have a pair of black gloves too, but he ends up just having a switchblade collection. Odd.
  
  
• Coach Red Herring shows up to intimidate the creepy music teacher.
  
  
• Seems Linnea only screwed the music teacher to blackmail him. I told him not to wear his heart on his sleeve.
  
  
• Even the town cop keeps a joint in his gun barrel. Barney Fife always carried his bullets in his shirt pocket. Now I know why.
  
  
• If Coach Michaels was named George Michael instead of George Michaels, I would’ve had a better joke here.
  
  

• What was the point of the machines short circuiting?

• And why did Anne have to confront the coach in his wood shop?

• Are Vanna and her friend sirens? Every time they show up someone gets killed.

• A football with a two foot metal spike in it. That would make the game a shitload more interesting.

• It goes right through Ralph’s stomach in 30 seconds – I’d say the killer is getting in the groove.

• This “Graduation Day Blues” scene only further proves that intensely uncool white folks with a guitar and a harmonica is a dangerous combo.

• Wow, the scene with coach and the town cop is incredibly odd and out of place. I guess they really wanted this movie to be the typical 90 minute slasher.

• I had to look up the band playing this roller skating party. They’re named Felony and the song they’re doing is called “Gangsters of Rock” and I don’t exactly hate it even though it has the exact same melody as “China Grove.”

• Linnea’s boyfriend gets his head cut off while he’s taking a leak and the Felony song is still going.

• They should have blacked out the killer’s fencing mask – you can almost see who it is.

• Holy shit, it took all 7:34 of that fucking song just to kill Linnea and her boyfriend.

• It’s been two days now, how long does it take to graduate this fucking high school?

• About time these parents start to worry where their kids are.
  

• It’s already sad that the school’s graduation gown color resembles something between piss and Crystal Light lemonade made with too much water.

• Inspector Halliday shows up to the principals office – shit just definitely got real.

• Pole vaulting Pete goes for a practice vault and gets impaled on spikes in the mat. You don’t see that every day.

• Again with the 30 seconds on the killer’s stopwatch.

• Coach’s picture of the track team has no lipstick on it, but he does have the black gloves and a stopwatch in his drawer. Subtle.

• Christ, Vanna and her friend are back. Someone’s about to go tits up.

• No, they just find Sally’s body stuffed in a locker.

• Wow, with those acting skills you can see why Vanna spent the rest of her days turning letters instead of speaking them.

• Laura’s boyfriend Kevin has a fight with coach that rivals Piper and David’s brawl in “They Live.” That was sarcasm by the way.

• Kevin is the only one without a lipstick X on his face, so he must be next as he chases Coach Michaels into the same fucking woods that have been plaguing the characters from this movie from the start.

• Kevin is also the killer. Figured that.

• Oh, it took 30 seconds for Laura to die, that’s the significance.

• Who the fuck gets married right after high school graduation when it doesn’t involve a shotgun?

• Coach Michaels picks up Kevin’s knife and is shot dead by Halliday in a jolly ‘ole mixup right out of a Three’s Company episode.

• Anne is back at Kevin’s house looking for answers to her suspicions. This movie really has to end now, let’s go.

• Kevin has been keeping Laura’s corpse in his room right out of the Norman Bates Playbook.

• For some reason the SFX make-up artist felt that black bulbous eyes conveyed rotting flesh. Laura looks like a fucking Sleestak.
  
  

• Kevin plans on marrying Laura anyway, ewww. The guy couldn’t read a get out of jail free card if it was stapled to his face.

• Does that technically make her a Corpse Bride?

• Anne pushes her sister’s corpse into Kevin and they both Louganis out of the window. Hell’s Bells.

• In the movie’s most hilarious scene, Anne goes to the front door to escape Kevin’s house, and as she opens the door Kevin walks in carrying Laura’s body with no fanfare or dialogue.

• Now Anne is in the run of her life, just like her sister. Get it?

• Holy shit are they padding out this chase scene.

• Kevin of course catches up to her, and we get to see some of those vicious self-defense moves she has previously mentioned.

• Is it ironic, stupid, or lazy that the final confrontation is under the school’s bleachers?

• Dolores’ severed head is hilariously that of the original actress that was fired and not Linnea Quigley.

• Pole vault Pete’s corpse shows up nailed to a door a la Friday The 13th and his skin is colored grey a la Dawn of The Dead.

• Anne’s navy training comes to her rescue as she blocks Kevin’s attack and pushes him on to the spikes still sticking out of Pete. Well done indeed.

• I though that fade to black was the end, I was wrong.

• Anne staying over one more night to have that flashback was completely unnecessary.

• I guess they wanted that last shot of her cab driving under the Happy Graduation Day banner.

• Hey! An after credits scene with the killer clicking his stopwatch. I guess that means we’ll see him again in Avengers: Secret Wars. Hooray.

Final Thoughts:  I need more Linnea Quigley in my life.

Score: 4 Pairs Of Grey Sweats and Black Gloves (out of 10)

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