Oh, you made it. Good? This was our tenth and likely final Schlocktoberfest, so we thought about ten being a decade and so we sort of split the movies up by decade and it really didn’t work out that well or make much of a difference. Hope you enjoyed!
In order from best to worst score:
- Kingdom of the Spiders (9)
- Invasion Of The Bee Girls (7)
- The Toxic Avenger (7)
- Night of the Demons 2 (7)
- Transylvania 6-5000 (6.75)
- My Demon Lover (6.5)
- Psycho 2 (6)
- It’s Alive (5)
- Rabid (4.75)
- Psycho 3 (4.5)
- The Hitcher (4.5)
- I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (4)
- Warlock: The Armageddon (4)
- Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth (4)
- Pet Sematary 2 (4)
- The Crazies (3.667)
- The Gate 2: The Trespassers (3)
- Strangeland (3)
- It Comes At Night (3)
- Mausoleum (2.5)
- Mortuary (2.5)
- Killer Workout (2.5)
- Popcorn (2)
- Prom Night 3: The Last Kiss (2)
- Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (2)
- Plague (2)
- Zombie Death House (1.25)
- Return to Horror High (1)
- Funnyman (1)
- Skinner (1)
- Infected (1)
Wow. Ten years. I didn’t think we’d do this torture exercise for more than 2 years. Yet here we are a decade later and still having fun. Not really. Well sometimes. If I were doing this all by myself I would’ve quit 8 years ago but reading my bud’s reviews, even without seeing the movie, is worth watching absolute garbage.
If you’ve been an avid reader for these past 10 years, first of all, what’s wrong with you? Second, thanks for the loyal readership. We hope you has as much fun as we had. We’ve been saying that this is the last year and well, it’s a possibility. It’s a very time-consuming endeavor watching multitudes of schlock and taking copious notes. Plus, to be honest, these movies seem to be getting worse the deeper in the abyss we find these movies. I’m open to keeping Schlocktoberfest alive or coming back to it because it is a lot of fun as much as we bitch and complain. I’m proud of the work and gags we created all these years. It’s a great legacy to leave my kids. I’d be a shame to call it quits so easily. But who knows if we’ll even have the chance to next year; if we’re even alive after the inevitable Corona-zombie apocalypse and the MAGA/Proud Boys start the American Civil War part II.
In the beginning, we just picked random flicks and threw them at the wall to see what sticks (stinks). We actually watched classics sometimes because, hey, why not—it’s our site, our rules. But that was no fun. It’s called Schlocktoberfest after all. Then we came up with the brilliant dumb idea to incorporate themes of the horror genre to make it more interesting. Always with mixed results. This year we had a very lose one to (possibly) close out on with covering 3 different decades. Jim, being the oldest took the 70s, Brian the 80s and I, myself, tormented myself with the gay 90s. Turned out it wasn’t the theme or in this case the decades we choose but the actual flicks themselves and this turned out to be (in my opinion) the worst crop of flicks ever. All but one flick (and I was being very generous with Night of the Demons 2) was scored a 4 or less. So maybe we should go back to doing themes if we have a Schlocktoberfest 11 next year.
**Special shout out to getyarn.io for all the great short video clips that we totally went overboard with.
Movie That Was All That and a Bag of Chips: Night of the Demons 2 was the only movie I wasn’t totally bored by and it being a sequel to another mediocre movie that’s saying a lot! It was crude, brash, dumb, had some clever lines and a slew of boobs. It was the best example of a Halloween Schlock feature.
Most Fart Knocker Flick: The fact that I have the three of the four lowest rated flicks is something that I take most pride in this year. But which one is the worst of the worst? Infected was duller than ditchwater and the poorest in quality and Skinner was nonsensical and offensive but Funnyman takes the cake this year. It’s, without a doubt, one of the worst Schlocktoberfest experiences in a long time. It’s not worse than Things, Heavy Metal Massacre or Satan War, but it’s up there.
Movie That Was Just Aiight: I have a lot of love and respect for Dee Snider but was totally bummed that Strangeland was so fucking terrible. However, I made a crucial error in one of my other choices. For years now I collect as much schlock and Z-grade movies as possible. It’s a fun yet worthless hobby. Seems I mixed up two motorcycle-themed horror movies. I watched I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle but really wanted to watch The Satan Killer which is a serious flick about a widowed, alcoholic cop teams up with an old private detective to catch a laughing serial killer who rides Harleys. I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle was a terrible horror-spoof-comedy. I bet The Satan Killer probably would’ve been way more entertaining. (probably not)
Flyest Villain: I could give the easy answer with Pinhead. Yeah, I’ll do just that.
Phattest Kill: This year didn’t give me too many great kills. But after careful deliberation I’m gonna go with Pinhead flaying the bimbo’s skin before consuming her body.
Runner-up: Hate to give Funnyman any props but Velma’s face getting shotgunned off was decently done.
Scrubbiest Kill: I still can’t get past the Pinhead making a drink become vapor, then turn into his head, then into a flying spike to kill a bar patron. Fucking ridiculous.
Best Homeboy: Rick, the Uber-jock meathead from Night of the Demons 2. Probably and sadly the only character I enjoyed.
Runner-Up: Clancy Brown’s Sheriff character Gus in Pet Sematary TWO. Not great but at least it looked like he had fun in the role.
Character That Needs to Quit Icing My Grill: Funnyman. And both detectives from Strangeland were both cock-smokers.
Mad Special Effects Skillz That Paid the Billz: Most of these floating turds didn’t really have that many effects. But I’d say Hellraiser 3 or Night of the Demons 2 with it’s interesting effects.
Talk to the Hand Effects: Warlock: The Armageddon had some the most shoddiest effects for a late 90s movie. It was made at a time when in-camera effects were phasing out and CGI was becoming more the norm but either the budget was too low or the talent or tech wasn’t all there but it did not age well at all. AT ALL!
Chica I’d Most Like to Git Jiggy Wit: Jeez, Looking back I barely had any hot babes this month either. Damn what a shitty month. I guess the girls from Night of the Demons 2 were up there, especially Christine Taylor and Cristi Harris as was Paula Marshall from both Warlock and Hellraiser 3 was easy on the eyes.
My Homey’s Shiznit Reviews: Brian’s Mausoleum review. I don’t think I laughed at a movie review this much since Roger Ebert’s Speed 2: Cruise Control review. Obviously he blew his wad early on and it was all downhill from there. But I’m still chuckling at: “Holy shit the sound on this movie is like sex in the back of a gorilla car, it’s driving me fucking bananas.”
Jim’s Kingdom of the Spiders. Not too many options for Jim this year but his review will go be best remembered that his place almost was reduced to cinder especially since a week prior he just fixed up the place. Irony is far from dead my friends!
So this pretty much concludes another year of Schlock. Another decade of Schlock. Possibly closing up the Pandora’s box of weird and wacky obscure crap created on celluloid. Who knows right? See ya around kiddies.
This was the worst year in the history of the planet, and Schlocktoberfest certainly didn’t help. On top of dealing with the horrors of everyday life, Jim and I are both going through major house-changing events, and Brad had to pick up more shifts at The Bulgin’ Mussel to make ends meet, so it’s safe to say we weren’t feeling Schlocktoberfest this year as much. I’d say there’s a 50/50 chance at doing this next year, though there’s only a 10% chance of that.
Anyway, as the one of you reading may have surmised based on all of my movies being from the ’50s, I had the ’80s decade, and 87% of the movies I watched were from 1987, so I didn’t exactly spread it out. After we had already started I had a much better idea that we should’ve done one movie from each year staring in 1970 through 2000 but this leaky ship had already sailed.
Baddest Watch: The Toxic Avenger, which I had no hope for due to watching other Troma films but I was pleasantly surprised. Then Brad and I watched Toxic Avenger TWO and all that goodwill was ruined.
Runner-up: My Demon Lover, a hunka ’80s cheese that was surprisingly fun and had a good cast.
Gag Me With a Spoon: I would rather return to my high school naked and being eaten alive by fire ants than return to Return to Horror High.
Totally Disappointing: A tie between Mausoleum and Mortuary. Why was my dad excited about these? I’ll never know.
Runner-up: Killer Workout. At first this seemed like a lot more fun than it actually ended up being.
Psych! Most Pleasant Surprise: PSYCH-o II wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d heard for the past 40 years, although it gave me a headache.
Raddest Villain: This year’s crop of schlock was sorely lacking in good villains, so Rutger Hauer as John in The Hitcher kind of wins by default. Although that movie stinks, he was good in it and did the best he could opposite C. Thomas Howell.
Runners-up: I would normally give it to Norman Bates, but I’m not 100% sure he qualifies since he’s not really the villain in Psycho II and III. Although he’s definitely more villainous in III, he’s still kind of the protagonist, too. So maybe Jeff Fahey in III? Whatever. Also, Bill Paxton in Mortuary was literally the only good thing about that movie.
Most Bogus Villain: Whoever the killer was in Return to Horror High. I think it was that guy’s dad or something, I don’t remember.
Most Awesome Kill: The Toxic Avenger gets a lifetime achievement award in this category. Probably my personal favorite is when Toxie dropped the weight on that guys face in the gym. All pain, no gain.
Lamest Kill: The Return to Horror High the soundless teacher dissection kill was as dumb as dissecting a frog with your wiener.
Most Tubular Tunes:
Most Bitchin’ Character: This is actually tough. Nobody really stood out as a favorite character at all. AT ALL! I’m going to give it to Jeff Goldblum by default.
Runner-up: I like Norman Bates but he was Norman Bates, not like some exciting new character. Linnea Quigley was great in Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers but she wasn’t given a ton to do except the chainsaw dance. Toxie was also awesome but he growled too much when he fought. And of course, La Wanda Page from Mausoleum.
Biggest Spaz: Hands down Jeff from The Video Dead. Yeah that was nine years ago but I still hate him. This time it’s Detective Jack from Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers in an election year landslide. The fact that he wasn’t chainsawed balls to beard was the biggest letdown since Election Night 2016.
Runners-up: C. Thomas Howell, the nun from Psycho III, Christopher Walken’s coked-out brother from Rabid.
Gnarliest Special Effects: Here’s another category where nothing really stood out. The Toxic Avenger is kind of running away with everything but I’m a huge fan of its creative gore.
Runner-up: The Wolf Man makeup in Transylvania 6-5000 was great, and did not hinder Donald Gibb’s electrifying performance.
Grodiest Special Effects: Susan’s glowing green eyes in Mausoleum filled me with jealousy that… no, what’s the opposite of jealousy?
Most Totally ’80s Movie: This definitely goes to Killer Workout. While the movie itself was a bewildering borefest, it perfectly encapsulated the ’80s tropes of big hair, aerobics, beefcakes, and not giving a shit about homicides.
Best Quote: “No more grievin’ I’m leavin’!” – La Wanda Page from Mausoleum
Most Bodacious Betty: What this year lacked in good villains, it more than made up for in attractive ladies. Pretty much every movie had at least one and sometimes 7 righteous babes in it. and also some handsome hunks, to be balanced. The nominees are:
- Bobbie Bresee – Mausoleum
- Mary Elizabeth McDonough and Lynda Day George – Mortuary
- Meg Tilly – Psycho II
- The girl who gets her throat slit while peeing – Psycho III
- Jennifer Jason Leigh – The Hitcher
- Marcia Brady – Return to Horror High
- Geena Davis – Transylvania 6-5000
- Marisa Tomei – The Toxic Avenger
- Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer – Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
- That one aerobics girl, you know who I mean – Killer Workout
- Gina Gallego – My Demon Lover
- Marilyn Chambers – Rabid
- That one woman who played all the blonde characters I’m pretty sure – Zombie Death House
It’s a very close call, and Sonia and Aerobics Girl were way up there, but it has to go to Geena Davis for not only being the most gorgeous vampire ever but helping to shape my impending puberty back in the day.
Best Actor: Rutger Hauer – The Hitcher
Worst Actor: John Henry Richardson – Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
Best Actress: Meg Tilly – Psycho II
Worst Actress: Rhonda Workout – Killer Workout
Best Director: Richard Franklin – Psycho II
Worst Director: John Saxon – Zombie Death House
Tastiest Sponsors: Popeye’s Louisiana Kitchen and Oatmeal Raisin Crisp
Most Excellent Adventures: Brad’s Warlock: The Armageddon review mostly because the following may be this site’s funniest caption/picture combo to date:
Jim’s Video Archives Special Part TWO video for finally giving my amazing “Schlocktoberfest NEIN!: German Invasion” idea the recognition it so richly deserves.
See you next year?
12 note pads. 25 bottles of vodka. 673 beers. 52 vape pens. That sounds about right.
I can’t believe I was able to access any sort of funny here in what can only be called end times. This time of year is always hectic with the schlock screenings and note-taking, but if you throw in a global apocalypse on top of that – it really isn’t much of a motivator. However, it’s always hilarious to hear all of us say we had a better idea for the theme of the year, yet we never seem to use them. Maybe it’ll take us another ten years to get that formula correct.
I seriously doubt it though.
Moving on, I scored the seventies as the theme to my somewhat abbreviated Schlocktoberfest. Since I only did three reviews, this is gonna be a pretty short re-cap so I’m gonna have to pad this thing like a hockey goalie with a concussion and loose bowels. Hopefully this will be at least and seven minute read so the appropriate background music below will make sense. OK that’s my intro, so let’s give Schlocktoberfest a big send off into retirement!
Who’s with me?
Didn’t think so.
Biggest Hertz Donut Of A Flick: It’s Alive was the shitburger for me this year. One of those movies you wish you could back in time to your younger self and tell you not to be afraid ’cause this movie sucks like Lindsey Graham at a truck stop gloryhole.
Most Out Of Sight Flick: Shatner’s magnum opus Kingdom of the Spiders was one of the best Schlock movies I’ve done in awhile. There were rumors for awhile that he was going to write and direct the sequel, but instead we got Star Trek 5 and I think we got hosed on the deal.
The Scene That Was The Harshest Bong: Anytime you are subjected to the stupid fucking baby puppet in It’s Alive.
Schlocktoberfest X’s Foxiest Mama: I had Anitra Ford again but pickens were slim this year, so I’m gonna order off menu and go with Rabid’s Marilyn Chambers and Hollywood Chainsaw Hooker’s Linnea Quigley for more than obvious reasons.
I saw a clip of Rod doing this song in Vegas 7 months ago. Da ya think I’m sexy? Rod, I didn’t think ya were breathing.
Movie I Couldn’t Wait To Totally Later: It’s Alive. I feel almost kinda bad shitting on this movie since I am a fan of Larry Cohen’s. I’d like to review some of his other popular flicks if there were a website that shit on bad horror movies every October.
Most Restracto Scene: Again, slim were the pickens as far as gore/violence this year.
Favorite Joke I Wrote This Year (An Exercise In Self-Indulgence Part 4): It’s not really my favorite, but definitely the most arcane: “Frank’s acting is pure shit, but he can turn on the tears quicker than Deidre Hall.”
Most Bodacious Surprise: Watching a Larry Cohen movie and not having to endure the witch hazel-to-the-shaved-scrotum hell that is Michael Moriarty.
The Grooviest Funk From My Cool Cats: Brian’s Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers and Brad’s Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth. Anything from the 80’s with Quigley in it automatically is a fave, and I have a soft spot for most of the Hellraiser movies.
Were The Last Ten Years of Schlocktoberfest Entertaining?:
The Last Caress: “That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons even death may die.” Those words were written almost 95 years ago…
…and are completely inapplicable to anything I have said or will say. It just looks really fucking cool to quote Lovecraft like that.
I’m going to throw in as many jokes about endings of things as I can in this closing. Like: we might end up having more farewell tours than The Who, Ozzy Osbourne, and Kiss combined. Or: I promised myself I wouldn’t cry and I didn’t. From the original Halloween to Kingdom of the Spiders, I think I’ve covered a good amount of cinematic bases while being subjected to some of the worst fucking movies ever made – which when you think about it is the whole point of this site. So I guess I’ll have more time in the Fall to do other things now huh? Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go count up all of the Easter eggs in the season premiere of The Mandalorian.
These ten years have been an absolute blast boys, I hope we can celebrate with drink together very soon.
This isn’t a goodbye, it’s more like a cya later.
Guess what folks, that’s the decade, and I…am…outta here.