Killer Workout (a.k.a. Aerobicide) (1987)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Several people are brutally murdered at a gym over multiple days but that doesn’t deter lunatics from attending aerobics classes.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Basically I picked this one because I have the ‘80s and what’s more ‘80s than working out? Has anyone been to a gym since 1989?
• Also, 1987 was the best year for movies ever. That is simply science fact.
  
• Aerobi-cide?? I mean, that’s also a pretty rad title. Which brings me to the point that I’ve seen this movie on streaming services before but always thought it was just another title for Death Spa.
• A girl gets topless and goes into a tanning booth that looks like Spock’s space coffin. I’m going way out on a limb here, but I have to imagine that some funny business may ensue.
• Ladies, if a guy is lucky enough to see you topless, he’s not going to give a shit about tan lines on your boobs.
• The tanning bed explodes! I told you those things were a death spa trap.
• You know, things are so unbelievably shitty right now that it’s easy to forget that there was once a time called the ‘80s when things were free and fun.
• There are more gratuitous bouncing tit shots in this one aerobics scene than in all Pixar movies combined.
• I hope this just goes on for 90 minutes.
• Rhonda is complaining that he assistant didn’t make it in time to teach Rhonda’s workout even though she is Rhonda and she should be teaching this workout that is Rhonda’s Workout.

• This killer is wielding a giant safety pin. He stabs this chick in the shower 75 times before she dies. Eat shit, Hitchcock.
• Why is this detective being such a prick to these women?
• The gym is fully open for business the next day. Nobody seems to give a shit that there was a brutal murder there yesterday? Did they even clean the blood out of the locker room? That reminds me of the time I went to an amusement park on a school trip the day after two workers and a guest died in bizarre accidents. Reporters were outside the gates interviewing people coming in about it and one of them asked me how if it bothered me going to the park after three people died and I told her I didn’t care and she seemed disappointed. What hard-hitting answer was she expecting from a 14-year-old boy?
  
• This seems to just be a fetish video.
• Rhonda’s partner, Mr. Workout, hires this douche Chuck, who was the star of Deadly Prey. He takes out the garbage then gets in an inconsequential fist fight with this beefcake guy for some reason and then goes home with a member girl of loose morals as his sexual prey.
  
• 40% of this movie is just watching workouts. No real complaints here.

• The intense cop goes to a suspect girl’s house but she gets stabbed with what they say is a knitting needle but is clearly not. It’s like a giant safety pin.
• Some random weirdos come by and spraypaint “Aerobicide” and “Death Spa” on the front window of Rhonda’s Workout. The movie Death Spa definitely has some explaining to do.
  
• This movie is just a random series of scenes and workouts, and all the death scenes are pretty lame.
• Finally the killer is using a knife instead of that dumb giant safety pin.
• Three fresh murders right outside the building but the the aerobicizing must go on!
• I think the lyrics to this song are “Ramen rock!”
• Death by weight machine! That was done much better in The Toxic Avenger.
• This guy Tommy just keeps getting turned down for sex and his ass kicked. He should hit the gym more.
  
• This would be a great double feature with Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout.
• Another murder, another aerobics class that must continue no matter what.
• I have no idea what’s going on.

• RAKE FIGHT!!
• This is like the third fight between these two dudes. What’s the point.
• The girl who was like the main girl earlier in the movie is now dead.
• Two more murders, another aerobics class. I’ve come to the conclusion that these girls are just batshit crazy to keep working out at the scene of multiple homicides.
• The big beefcake guy runs over then stabs Chuck with an icepick.
• Rhonda Workout Johnson has a burned head and tits. She was the one who burned in the tanning bed at the beginning. But her face isn’t burned at all. Because she was in a disfiguring accident and changed her name for no real reason this dipshit cop arrests her. This movie makes less sense than voting for Trump after the Taliban endorsed him.
• Here’s a long chase scene with the dipshit cop and the dipshit beefcake guy.
• Rhonda shoots Jimmy the beefcake, for no reason. She’s been using safety pins and knives this whole time and now she switches to a gun? No killer continuity here.
  
• Now Rhonda is dressed like MC Hammer and the cop is taking her out diggin’.
• The cop is explaining something about his father but I’m not following at all. AT ALL!
  
• I’m watching this on Amazon Prime but there are a lot of VHS tracking issues. And I kind of love it.
• The cop is going to kill Rhonda for justice even though he can’t prove anything.
• Rhonda hits him with a shovel, and we’re back to another workout.

• So Rhonda looks at the camera and shows us the giant safety pin. Why would she keep the murder weapon like that? Well, I guess she’s happy it all worked out.
  

Was it Entertaining:

Any Good Gore: It’s mostly some stabbings with some blood, which just doesn’t get my heart rate up.

Any Nudity: Plenty of chest work in this.

Best Quote: After the first girl is killed in the shower: “She was so pretty.” “Not anymore.”

Best Scene: I guess just string all the aerobics scenes together, as long as your don’t care about grisly murders first.

Worst Part: The fact that Rhonda Workout’s entire body was burned and scarred except for her face is more ludicrous than not wiping down your machine after you’ve used it.

Final Thoughts: I don’t know how you could take a premise this simple and just make it so incomprehensible, but here you go. aside from the hypnotism of the aerobics class scenes, there is just no weight on this bar. This movie is the equivalent of leg day: you can skip it.

Score: 2.5 Hours of Aerobics after Multiple Horrific Homicides (out of 10)