The Toxic Avenger (1984)
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- Why does this toxic waste look like green rock candy?
- This gym looks amazing. It’s very sexually charged with kung fu and sandwiches and also appears to be the size of a medium-sized town. I never thought I’d say this, but I really miss going to the gym. I never would have said that in 1984, because all the gyms were open, and I was 7.
- Melvin is the janitor at this gym and he is extremely happy with his job, probably because of all the boobs and sweat smells. But the muscleheads seem to hate him because he’s a twerp who doesn’t belong. This is exactly the same dynamic with me and Brad against Jim.
- Nice ‘80s boobs! 1984 was riiiiight before implants got big. It was a simpler, softer time.
- I think these gym rats are supposed to be bad because they’re playing a game with points for running over pedestrians, with different points for minorities of colorful language I can’t repeat here.
- Hahaha! They ran over a kid on a bike and it was pretty hilarious. You know what, I was wrong about these guys.
- They go back and squish his head for good measure! Great zero-budget gore there. I truly don’t understand why shitty horror movies didn’t just include 500% more brains and blood. It costs next to nothing and makes everything more interesting.
- Somehow I’ve just never seen this before. I’ve seen a good number of Troma movies, and they vary wildly in quality, from pretty good to suicide watch. But I really wish I could’ve taken that job with them after college. Even though it would’ve ended up costing me money.
- Forget what I said about this being pre-fake boobs. This blonde gym rat looks like she has two rottweiler skulls on her chest.
- She convinces Melvin to put on a pink tutu and meet her at the pool, where it’s completely pitch black somehow. He ends up kissing a whore goat and everyone laughs at him and he jumps out the window into a barrel of toxic waste. This is way too similar to Joker. Although this movie is probably better executed. Actually, Joker was just about some douchebag who painted his face and tongue.
- Apparently an 18-year-old Marisa Tomei is an extra in this scene as one of the girls in the laughing gym group, but I rewatched the scene in slow motion a couple of times and I can’t find her for the life of me.
- Melvin runs down the street completely on fire with about 200 onlookers. I miss parades.
- So Melvin runs home and transforms An American Werewolf in London style into the Toxic Avenger. something similar happened to me when I was 13.
- Meanwhile a no-good named Cigar Face and his two cronies put out a cigar on a cop’s face. His nickname goes unexplained. They’re going to blow his dick off (in the bad way) but Toxie saves him.
- I know this is set in New Jersey and I’m thrilled about that, but where? Yeah, Tromaville, but in reality it looks like Newark or West Orange or Elizabeth maybe?
- Toxie’s poking out eyeballs and ripping off noses. Why isn’t this in every movie? Little Women could’ve used this.
- Toxie’s voice is so badly dubbed it sounds like it’s coming from a different room that’s playing an old NASA filmstrip. It’s hard to tell if it’s him actually talking or like an internal monologue.
- Poor Toxie can’t go home because his mother rejects him like a vomiting dog allergic to chicken that ate all your Popeyes. FYI, Schlocktoberfest is sponsored by Popeyes this year.
- A group of Road Warrior-esque punks robs a fast food joint. Is it Popeyes? No, Popeyes would not allow such nonsense. Their restaurants are safe and clean and only offer the highest quality chicken dishes at the most reasonable prices.
- Haha oh jesus, one of the punks shoots a dog with a shotgun. That’s pretty out there even for a Troma picture.
- Oh good here’s Toxie. He rips the head punk’s arm off. Again, it may be just me but just seeing gratuitous gore that lingers for a while is enough to entertain me thoroughly. Same goes with boobies. I’m a very simple and dashing man, who loves fried chicken, especially if it’s a great deal. Like a Family Fun Feast for just $14.99. That’s 12 pieces of delicious honey-fried bird plus two sides and seven drinks!
- Ha this is going to sound wrong but the dog laying there clearly still alive but being a good girl laying on its side with fake guts all over it is adorable. Especially since my precious pooch always lays next to me while I’m watching this nonsense and I often wish she was covered in guts. But in a cute way.
- Toxie walks the blind girl home and I smell romance brewing. Mask would rip this off wholesale just one year later. But this is far more emotional.
- I love that the mayor is involved in selling drugs at the gym. He’s gotta be clearing a cool $400 with this scheme.
- Toxie drops a weight spike on the drug dealer’s face. I always thought those things were dangerous, but that’s mostly because there is never enough weight on them to challenge me.
- This chick’s areolas are the size apatosaurus balls.
- “You said you were gonna take me to see the David Bowie concert! He’s not David Bowie!” That hurts my heart.
- This pimp says, “Only 12 years old and only 12 dollars!” That’s horrible. That’s kind of funny? I mean, gross. Have you heard about Popeyes new Chicken Biscuit Bowl Bonanza?
- Nice heartwarming montage of Toxie helping children and the elderly and babies and women who can’t open jars. I feel like I would do all those things if only I had the time. But I’m busy. Doing this.
- Truly beautiful sex scene between Toxie and his blind girlfriend. I hope this ends with a toxic baby. Although I think that may happen in one of the four sequels. Or the cartoon. Or the video game.
- This movie has a weird structure where Toxie is a vigilante against the bad people but he’s also a monster and brutal murderer. A hero for a modern age.
- Speaking of New Jersey and the mid-‘80s, watch Class Action Park if you can. You’ll never be more proud to live in the Garden State.
- Toxie finally catches up to the main bad gentlemen. I still don’t get the location here. It’s supposed to be NJ but they’re driving toward the Trade Center, so they’re in the city? *looks it up* Ohhhh, Jersey City. Pre-gentrified. Ok, now it kind of makes sense.
- Toxie makes the bad asshole drive his car off a cliff, and then it explodes, because that’s just what cars did back then. Speaking of which, you’ll experience an explosion of flavor at your nearest Popeyes when you try their Twice-Fried Straightened Curly Chicken Potato Combo Fries!
- Toxie irons the face of Mrs. Haskell. Who is this? It may be from last night when I was dozing off and had to stop.
- Oh the old lady was the head of a white slavery ring. Is that a crime? If so, I need to call my lawyer…
- This movie has ground to a halt and there’s only like 10 minutes left.
- I know I was a little kid back then, but everything was better in the ‘80s. It just was. We’ve gone too far with technology and basic life now.
- They’ve called the National Guard on Toxie. It’s just like 2020 if Toxie was a peaceful black protester.
- And there’s no way you can protest the great taste and great price of Popeyes Peanut Butter Ketchup Butter Bites!
- Yeah usually moves like this drag hardcore in the middle, but this movie has decided to do it at the very end. Brave choice.
- Long story short, Toxie rips out the morbidly obese mayor’s guts. And you’ll bust a gut when you try Popeyes new Triple Tripe Chicken Pickens!
Was it Entertaining:
Any Good Gore: Oh lordy yes indeed!
Any Nudity: A good amount of boobs of varying freshness.
Best Quote: Toxie (to the mayor): “Let’s see if you’ve got any guts.” (rips out his guts)
Best Scene: Lettuce taco ’bout this:
Worst Scene: Anything to do with the mayor was just kind of there. There were like eight other villains in the movie so he wasn’t really necessary.
Final Thoughts: Having been fully aware of this movie most of my life but never actually sitting down to watch it I wasn’t expecting much based on Troma not having the greatest track record, but they saved their best for first! While it has its ups and downs it’s a fun flick and well worth your time if you’re into goofs and gore.
Score: 7 Pieces of Juicy Breast Meat (out of 10)