Schlocktoberfest X – Day 8: Prom Night 3: The Last Kiss

Prom Night 3: The Last Kiss (1990)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*


What’s This About:
 It’s not about a prom. It’s a direct sequel to the last Prom Night (my 2014 review here) about crazy dead prom queen Mary Lou Maloney and her diabolical lust for teenage boys. Something like that. 

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • I’m still kinda in shock that there’s a Prom Night film franchise.
  • There’s a discotheque in hell and a bunch of bored women are trying to dance before their feet burn up. It’s quite ridiculous. But then again so was Studio 54.
  • One of the women, Mary Lou Maloney, somehow used a nail-file to break her chains and escaped hell. She then somehow flew out of her tombstone. Seriously, a nail file? This is the tone we’re going with eh?
  • The janitor’s name is Jack Russell. What a terrier name for a janitor.
  • This janitor apparently is Mary Lou’s old friend from 1957. Mary Lou decided that he has lived long enough and kills him with electricity from the evil 50s style jukebox in the boiler room. The jokes write themselves here folks!
  • The school’s band is really belting out this version of La Bamba.
  • I had to do some quick research because I wasn’t sure if this high school was the same as the other Prom Nights. Hamilton High is in fact the same school for the whole franchise. And Mary Lou is the same villain as the last sequel. Clearly I didn’t care to remember this from 2014.
  • I guess this film is slightly mocking itself with the principal listing all the bad mysterious happenings at the school from the previous 2 flicks. They have a new gymnasium at least. Which I’m 100% sure the prom will be at.
  • Hahaha. The principal accidentally cuts off his finger doing the ribbon cutting for the new gym. OR DID HE?!
  • No casualties says the student to calm down the crowd. The idiot doesn’t know what the definition of casualty is.
  • Remember when you were in high school and you had to decide between 2 vacations, one with your girlfriend or the other with your best bud? 
  • This movie is ripping off the object on the desk obscuring the view gag from Caddyshack. However, I’m going to give it pass because this time is a very erotic looking cactus.

Cacti are very sensual, don’t you think?

  • And there’s “The world needs ditch diggers too” line straight from Caddyshack. Not cool movie. Go suck an erotic cactus.
  • Did I miss something? Why is Alex at the school this late at night? Oh right to get the plot moving along.
  • Hahaha. His name is Alex Grey. Dare you to google that with images. There’s also a gorgeous porn actress by the same name. Go ahead google that too!
  • Alex is startled by and then starts making out with Mary Lou on top of an American Flag while the national anthem plays. bear in mind this is a Canadian production.
  • He then wakes up the next morning buck naked and has to use the flag to cover himself up as he briskly gets to a restroom. All of which amounted to nothing interesting or funny at all. AT ALL!
  • Now Alex is talking to his folks on a payphone and the voices of his parents are high pitched unintelligible silly voices. 
  • I don’t get mad. I bake.” Man, Alex has a really nice and good looking girlfriend. Obviously he doesn’t deserve her.
  • Intercom: “Today’s after school Chess Club tournament has been cancelled. Students are to report to the library and play with themselves.”
  • Not sure why Alex and his friend are in the library (not playing with themselves) but they happened to be looking at old newspaper microfiches and Alex comes across the article about the tragedy of Mary Lou. Naturally.
  • This science teacher kinda looks like Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase.

Anyone making a prom Night sequel got a price for the Million Dollar Man.

  • OK. Hold on. Wait a minute. Alex is a band geek AND on the Football team?! BULLSHIT!
  • Mary Lou just assisted Alex on the field to score a touchdown by telling him what to do. She’s a better coach than Mike Ditka!
  • Holy shit! The science teacher is non other than George Chuvalo, who was in the arm wrestling scene in The Fly! 
  • Mary Lou is messing with or seducing the science teacher and she’s in the back of the empty class in a small diner set and she’s dressed as a waitress. He says something like ‘I don’t know what you’re doing here young lady but you’re in big trouble.’ He’s not at all perplexed as to how his classroom now has a 50s style diner in the back.
  • She then impales his hands to the desk with two ice cream cones and then scrambles his face with a hand mixer. Really? Ice cream cones?
  • Alex is talking with Mary Lou and he’s surprised that he didn’t actually flunk the science test (even though he turned in a blank test; Mary Lou magically completed the test and gave him an A, again not surprising the science teacher much despite the test changing right in front of his eyes). But Alex seems cool with all this magic and supernatural occurrences. Hey I am too if this will speed up the movie.
  • Alex opens up a tarp to reveal the science teacher’s corpse, which is now covered in ice cream and banana splits. But again for some reason American flags and Yankee Doodle plays in the background. Classic Canadian trolling.
  • Mary Lou can alter time and space with her voodoo but can’t hide the dead body?
  • How the hell does Alex have all this free time at school to hide and clean up the crime scene in a biology lab?
  • I’m mildly curious. Earlier in the film Alex’s friend Shane mentioned that they could be sailing across the country in Harleys but Alex’s car is a run-down station wagon that strains to even start. How the hell do they have Harleys? Was that some sort of joke?
  • Man, that ol’ adage of Canadian’s never having to lock their doors is true!
  • Alex’s family and girlfriend, Sarah, surprise him at home. Why? He got a perfect score on his biology test that’s why! The same test he just got back just a few minutes ago at a school!
  • Again with the banana splits?! 

No. Not that kind.

  • Alex goes back to the high school to finish up his deed of removing the biology teacher. Luckily the school had a ceremonial shovel in the school’s display case.
  • As Alex is burying the teacher Mary Lou is doing a strip tease in the school’s window. But this is weirdly edited to make it seem like it’s a dream or in Alex’s head since he’s simultaneously burying and making love at the same time. I mostly think about baseball when making love.
  • Hey, some bewbs. Nice.
  • It just occurred to me that I was making fun of Alex, Sarah and Shane discussing how they should spend their summer vacations earlier in the film but this film is taking place in at least autumn (since they’re playing football and wearing jackets) so why are they even discussing their summer plans so far in advance?!
  • So this high school can’t afford a football field. They are literally playing in an open field with the crowds watching just standing on the sidelines. And there are no lines on the field so how can they possibly play and measure downs?! Is this what Canadian football is?
  • Strangely enough the band plays fanfare when they win. But doesn’t Alex play in the band?!
  • What school posts the honor roll on a public bulletin board?!
  • For some reason Alex’s guidance counselor hates him and relishes in his failures. She’s steaming because he’s on the honor roll now. Can someone explain this to me please?
  • I can’t believe I’m not even a half-hour into this.
  • Mary Lou confronts and kills the guidance counselor by dousing her in battery acid which hilariously is melting her to death. Seems like a weird way to kill someone when you can easily kill someone with magic electricity. 
  • Again, why are they discussing the school’s prom this far in advance?!
  • The head villainous jock is pissed because the school doesn’t have tryouts for the football team but allows anyone on the team regardless of talent or skill. Seriously, I’m on his side on this one.
  • Alex screams at Mary Lou: “I don’t want any fucking pie!” being offered some in the home economics  classroom after finding the dead body of the guidance counselor. Kinda funny.

Look so good make a grown man cry.

  • Alex tells Mary Lou that he told her to stop killing people and she replies: “It wasn’t a person. It was a guidance counselor.” Womp-womp.
  • Alex sure is Mr. Average!
  • The “geeks” and “nerds” in this film are actually good-looking and cool-looking dudes. No Eddie Deezens in this group.
  • “Honour Roll?” This sure is Canadian.
  • Hey, he got his Harley after all! And all it took was for him to get on the honour roll.
  • So he and Shane were planning on taking a cross-country vacation on Harley’s when they both didn’t have Harley’s? 
  • Now all of sudden Alex is becoming a greaser. Were there any other demographics in the 50s?
  • Alex’s dad sure has a lot of pented up sexual hostility. Dude needs a subscription to Club magazine.
  • Sarah is rage baking. She must be really furious at Alex. I’m sure the only cookie Alex is interested in is whats between Sarah’s legs.
  • The asshole Jock is stalking Alex at the school late at night for some reason.
  • I just noticed that the scoreboard for the school has the home team on top and visitor on the bottom. 
  • Now for the dumbest thing I ever saw in a horror film. The jock notices someone else in their football uniform watching him and he thinks it’s one fo the needs that he cut recently. The nerd is of course Mary Lou who throws the jock a football and as it flies over to him it morphs into a giant screw that kills the jock. Yes, a giant screw. Not knives or spikes but a screw. I mean, I know a football spirals but c’mon that’s just wacky.
  • And not only does it kill him but it screws him into a flag pole. Extra dumb points.
  • Mary Lou does look very cute in the football uniform.
  • Prom-Aid?
  • Leonard Welsh already asked Sarah to the prom, despite her going steady with Alex. Alex is happy when he learns that she hasn’t said yes to Leonard yet.
  • Social Disease? Isn’t that an Elton John song?
  • This Social Disease sex-ed film Alex’s class is watching looks like an old stag film.
  • Two detectives come to Alex’s school to question him about the whereabouts of the jock that was killed recently but no one gives a hot shit about the biology teacher and the guidance counselor and they’ve been dead for a few days or so now.
  • “Bob’s Sod Farm. High School Football Fields Our Specialty” is written on a truck that Alex nearly hits with his Harley. Foreshadowing at its finest.
  • Why is Sarah even on a date with Leonard Welsh?! Talk about two-timing as well as giving mixed signals. I think all that baking baked Sarah’s brain.
  • Alex now is of course researching about ghosts, demons and exorcisms. With library books.
  • I had zero clue that Alex being attacked by the three victims on the football field was all just a nightmare.
  • The cops very quickly found the dead bodies in the football field.
  • Alex is confessing everything now to his best buddy Shane casually by the pool. Both are taking all this very very well.
  • Now Mary Lou is possessing Alex’s sister, Leah, to seduce—no wait I spoke to fast—to kill Shane. For no other reason than to spite Alex.
  • Jumping Jesus, how is there still a half-hour left?!
  • This is possibly the worst timing for a early 90os hip-hop song!? Hahahaha

  • Alex is primed and pumped and ready for Mary Lou to come to his house so her can kill her. He does know she’s supernatural and can probably take the form of any of family members right? And does he really think a shotgun will work?
  • But no, she astral-projects her voice to confuse him. And makes him hallucinate to seeing her on the TV and magazine covers.
  • Alex is now getting arrested. TWIST!
  • Hahaha. Alex’s dad is yelling at the cops taking Alex away saying: “I’m gonna get a gun! You won’t get away with this!!!”
  • What is this now? Between dumb TV static wipes there’s a few minutes of news briefs and interviews about the murders. This film thinks it’s a Verhoeven flick now.
  • BOOM MIC!
  • How is the prom happening now?! It’s still football season you dumb movie!!! Unless up in Canada they play football in the spring then this all makes total sense. I mean it’s possible, they do have weird bacon.
  • Mary Lou attempts to helps Alex escape jail but he refuses help. She then disappears after she threatens Sarah. She also left the keys so Alex can escape instead of leaving him there locked up so he can’t stop her.
  • Prom in the gym!
  • This band sounds like a hair-metal band but they’re dressed like a British new wave band.
  • Actually, they remind me of Ugly Kid Joe. And seeing that this is 1990 that’s completely plausible.
  • It’s one of those the dork dances so weird/interesting that they form a circle around him to watch scenes.
  • Sarah is having such a lousy time with Leonard that she is drinking alone in the girls bathroom. To me, that’s having a good time but to each his/her own.
  • Mary Lou seduced Leonard with displaying a state-of-the-art 1960s computer. 
  • So Alex kidnapped Larry the semi-comical police rookie and had him drive Alex to the prom. When they got there he ties Larry up and leaves him at the squad car. Why didn’t he just force Larry to give him the car keys and leave Larry at the station if he had no use for him?
  • Leonard’s death was so boring they didn’t even show it and I don’t have the care to tell you about it either.
  • I guess this is one reason why they always have proms at the school in these movies, because there’s always a scene where the killer has to chase someone and it would be a real short chase if it was at a catering or banquet hall. At least they have lots of hallways and classrooms in the school.
  • How the hell is there still 15 minutes left?!
  • Not sure of Alex’s plan here by succumbing to Mary Lou’s advances in front of Sarah and the whole prom. Anyway both he and Sarah both get sucked into a hellhole.
  • Shane is down in hell and starts to be weird in front of Sarah. Why is he in hell anyway, was he evil in the real world?
  • As are the other victims so I don’t know, I suppose this is just Mary Lou’s idea of a fantasy hell.
  • A hell that allows Sarah to arm herself with a flame thrower so she can kill Leonard, the jock and Shane.
  • This hell looks a lot like your typical spook house at a carnival or boardwalk.
  • I’m totally baffled as to how a 17 or 18-year-old high school girl would know how to operate a flame thrower in the first place?!

Roast ’em!

  • All Mary Lou wants is to be Prom Queen it seems. This is stupid.
  • Sarah had a great before-the-kill quip in the “I don’t get mad. I bake” but her flame thrower didn’t work. 
  • So Sarah ignites one of the flame thrower gas tanks like a Molotov cocktail and in the skuffle with Mary Lou she shoves it down her gown. For some dumb reason Mary Lou panics and doesn’t even attempt to remove it before she explodes.
  • Again, why are flame throwers down in this hellscape?
  • I guess this hell is actually Mary Lou’s idea of an evil school. There’s even a shop class with classic cars that Sarah miraculously knew how to hotwire. This whole movie is a series of conveniences.
  • Alex runs down Mary Lou with the car and they teleport back to modern day. Sarah is thrilled that they’re home despite it being dark and they’re in the middle of nowhere. How does she know this their hometown or in the modern day? 
  • Because it’s not! It’s still the 50s and Sarah was just killed by Mary Lou in the car outside a diner. 
  • Alex slightly freaks out and yells out to Mary Lou that she wins and that’s it. Seriously that’s the finale.

 

Was it Entertaining: I had some fun poking fun at all the dumb shit and plot-holes but ultimately I’m lesser a man than when I began the movie.

Any Good Gore: It tried to have some decent kills but they were really dumb like the ice cream cones through the hands or the football screwdriver.

Any Nudity: Brief glimpse of Mary Lou’s boobs.

Who’s the most dull one of them all?

Best Quote: “Today’s after school Chess Club tournament has been cancelled. Students are to report to the library and play with themselves.” Not the best line but considering the source this is the best they got.

Best Scene: As incredibly stupid football becoming a screw to kill the jock. If I were to give this film any credit, it would be that I think they were spoofing Phantasm and the killer silver balls but again, I’m giving this film way more credit than it deserves.

Worst Scene: There’s more bad scenes in this film to choke a camel. But I’ll go with the death of the biology teacher.

Final Thoughts: Why does this movie exist? Why did the Prom Night series go this long (I’m declining watching the 4th one)? I mean, this brought nothing new to this genre or any genre. It wasn’t that funny or cleverly written. the kills were unimaginative and boring. Who the fuck was this made for? Anyone who watches this is just wasting their time.

Score: 2 Erotic Cacti Set Aflame and Rammed Up My Anus (out of ten)

One thought on “Schlocktoberfest X – Day 8: Prom Night 3: The Last Kiss

  1. I liked the movie overall, just a fun little comedy. As far as I know, this one & Prom Night 2 were supposed to be their own franchise “Haunting at Hamilton High” or something. Which would have made sense but I guess they wanted the Prom Night name on them.

    Anyway, my favorite death and character was the Guidance Counselor. I just thought it was funny how much of a bitch she was, her death was pretty brutal too. The running joke of “She’s just a guidance counselor” was pretty neat too. Though I never understood that cactus bit. She was pretty too at least. Anyway, PN3 is one of my favorite guilty pleasures.

    Like

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